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webfiend · 03-05-2005, 10:40 AM

Ah, the muddy muddy waters of sexual identity

The stuff I've got may only be true for my part of the world. Maybe even just my part of town. Sexual values vary profoundly even from neighborhood to neighborhood. Try to bear that in mind when interpreting the opinions and experiences of other people.

Many people identify themselves at each end of the spectrum - exclusively straight or exclusively gay. They often view the other end as wrong or at least mildly perplexing. I guess that's okay. Works for them. Unfortunately, these people also tend to be very hostile towards those who don't identify themselves as straight or gay, accusing them of everything from "straddling the fence" or "being trendy" to being completely indiscriminate sluts.

Okay. Some folks are straddling the fence as they try to figure out whether they like men or women more. Others are being trendy, I suppose, because for some reason they got it into their heads that being bisexual doubles your chances of getting a date on Saturday night. (Sadly, the evidence suggests otherwise.)

And, of course, some people are just indiscriminate sluts, bless their filthy minds.

But it's a whole spectrum, not just a few neat categories. When I was younger I was straight - no, bisexual - no, bicurious - no, straight - no, bisexual - no, mostly straight but there was that one time - no, two times - no, bicurious - etcetera.

As I get older, I define myself less and less by my sexuality. It's just not an important part of my public persona. I've come to the conclusion that I wasted a lot of mental energy and anxiety thinking I had to be something, when it really had no bearing on how well I do my job or how supportive I am as a friend. I've been in a relationship with a woman for about six years now. Our relationship is the most wonderful thing in the world except when it's not, and any folks who have been together for a while know exactly what I mean

Anyways, I'm in a lasting relationship with a woman, but I don't consider myself straight. I can't picture myself in a lasting relationship with a man - not that it's impossible, I just can't picture it - but I don't consider myself straight. I love beautiful women. I love handsome men. I notice the women a lot more than I notice the men, but I do notice the men. In the words of my girlfriend, that makes me "straight ... ish". So my sexual preference is "straight ... ish", but my chosen sexual identity is fairly private. It's not something I feel that the world needs to know as I'm walking down the street to get bread and milk.

So ... choice. Hmm ...

I think your sexual preference is a mix of genetics, environment (family as well as peer), and circumstance, with a heavy dose of social norms and a light sprinkling of plain old dumb luck. I don't really think that you have a whole lot of choice in what sort of sex you prefer or what sort of people you prefer to have it with. Or if you do have a choice, it's a choice you made before you were really aware of it.

Your sexual identity, on the other hand, is completely up to you. That's the identity you share with the outside world, with rainbow flags on one side and "girls on trampolines" on the other. Make whatever choice you like, but kindly remember that what you have chosen is the only possibility in the world. It isn't.

Now, I should get back to work. Does anybody need this soapbox?

03-05-2005, 10:40 AM	#18 (permalink)
webfiend Insane Location: Seattle?	Ah, the muddy muddy waters of sexual identity The stuff I've got may only be true for my part of the world. Maybe even just my part of town. Sexual values vary profoundly even from neighborhood to neighborhood. Try to bear that in mind when interpreting the opinions and experiences of other people. Many people identify themselves at each end of the spectrum - exclusively straight or exclusively gay. They often view the other end as wrong or at least mildly perplexing. I guess that's okay. Works for them. Unfortunately, these people also tend to be very hostile towards those who don't identify themselves as straight or gay, accusing them of everything from "straddling the fence" or "being trendy" to being completely indiscriminate sluts. Okay. Some folks are straddling the fence as they try to figure out whether they like men or women more. Others are being trendy, I suppose, because for some reason they got it into their heads that being bisexual doubles your chances of getting a date on Saturday night. (Sadly, the evidence suggests otherwise.) And, of course, some people are just indiscriminate sluts, bless their filthy minds. But it's a whole spectrum, not just a few neat categories. When I was younger I was straight - no, bisexual - no, bicurious - no, straight - no, bisexual - no, mostly straight but there was that one time - no, two times - no, bicurious - etcetera. As I get older, I define myself less and less by my sexuality. It's just not an important part of my public persona. I've come to the conclusion that I wasted a lot of mental energy and anxiety thinking I had to be something, when it really had no bearing on how well I do my job or how supportive I am as a friend. I've been in a relationship with a woman for about six years now. Our relationship is the most wonderful thing in the world except when it's not, and any folks who have been together for a while know exactly what I mean Anyways, I'm in a lasting relationship with a woman, but I don't consider myself straight. I can't picture myself in a lasting relationship with a man - not that it's impossible, I just can't picture it - but I don't consider myself straight. I love beautiful women. I love handsome men. I notice the women a lot more than I notice the men, but I do notice the men. In the words of my girlfriend, that makes me "straight ... ish". So my sexual preference is "straight ... ish", but my chosen sexual identity is fairly private. It's not something I feel that the world needs to know as I'm walking down the street to get bread and milk. So ... choice. Hmm ... I think your sexual preference is a mix of genetics, environment (family as well as peer), and circumstance, with a heavy dose of social norms and a light sprinkling of plain old dumb luck. I don't really think that you have a whole lot of choice in what sort of sex you prefer or what sort of people you prefer to have it with. Or if you do have a choice, it's a choice you made before you were really aware of it. Your sexual identity, on the other hand, is completely up to you. That's the identity you share with the outside world, with rainbow flags on one side and "girls on trampolines" on the other. Make whatever choice you like, but kindly remember that what you have chosen is the only possibility in the world. It isn't. Now, I should get back to work. Does anybody need this soapbox? Last edited by webfiend; 03-05-2005 at 10:42 AM..