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yeah, there is a stigma, I pretty much grew up thinking "big boys dont cry" - and mostly definitely not in front of anybody if you do. There have been times I have felt like I might cry, but I can't, something in me holds it back. probably the last time I cried that I can remember was when I was 9/10 and people at school had made fun of me for being fat, and I told my dad about it and I was upset, and he told me not to be a baby - and started called me "fatso" "fat pig" and so on "to toughen me up" apparently. I cried and tried remember keep asking him to stop but he wouldnt and I got kind of hysterical in the end, and tried to hug him, but he threw me off.
I dont remember any time after that I cried, but I might have done, but Im pretty sure not since I was 11 definitely. I remember when I was 14, on christmas day, with my dad again, he blew up (cos I didnt buy him an expensive present, and I wasnt interested in this lego kit he bought me) and he started telling me how much he hated me, how I was a piece of shit, I was evil, I had destroyed the whole family, etc etc etc... and I remember trying to cry to make him feel sorry for me, and he could tell I was faking it, and then I just thought "wtf, why do I bother"... I remember v clearly thinking that it would be nicer in a foster home, I'd have more friends etc etc.
sometimes when I think about it I get mad at myself that I dont hold the hate I felt then inside myself still, but it all just broke up,,, and I suppose if you only think of the worst times... there were a lot of good times too you discount. I think certainly from that age I never loved him, but i cant really hate him either. One time I quoted something back to him he said to me that night (he said he would burn all the photo's of me and forget he ever had a son) and HE started crying about it... I suppose maybe he felt guilty about it, but I dont see why he has any reason to cry about it,,, he shouldnt have said it if he doesnt want it to be said.
I guess, Ive alwats been quite an emotionally distant person, I honestly dont feel that Im not in touch with my emotions, I just dont have very strong emotions at all.
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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."
The Gospel of Thomas
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