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Uptown, it seems to me in my limited understanding of your feelings, that you are really suffering from low self-esteem. It also seems that your partner may be contributing to that if he really is saying things that lead you to believe you're getting a mercy fuck. This sort of negative reenforcement can only snowball...you seem so angry. I'm really sorry you feel this way. Making love is an expression of affection and closeness with your partner, not a porn movie...that's what fucking is. Fucking has its place, but making love is much more satisfying and should never make you question your sexiness to the person who is loving you. I hope that you can share your frustrations with a good counselor or friend who can help you find ways to reaffirm your sense of self, your beauty (internal and external) and your love for yourself. Who gives a flying fuck what others think about your appearance when you are happy with yourself and enjoying your life?
And please, go to the beach in a bikini if it would make you happy...no one else, just you!!
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Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)
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