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Old 02-28-2005, 01:30 AM   #27 (permalink)
alicat
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Location: West Michigan
This will be long as most of my posts are, and maybe longer because I have to respond to another member.

whtnoise: That was very sad and also unbelievably beautiful. I am finding it hard to type through my tears. I don't know, but assume your father died and I am sorry. Your last few sentences remind me in some small way of Robert Frost. I have never known another person that made "lucky" smokes. I have two. One for my husband and one for our son who died, S and L (12 and 19 in a pack). My husband has been gone for nearly three weeks in South Africa, the longest we have ever been apart in 16 yrs.. I am sad, lonely and (tonight, of a few during his absence) running on vodka and coke.

I don't agree that your memories don't compare with most. Everyone's thoughts and memories mean something to them if not to others that weren't there when they were built. We are all impressed upon by the events in our lives, whether someone else can relate or not.

My saddest day ever was the day our son died. He was born prematurely by 2 1/2 months because of an extremely rare genetic disorder (still not fully understood). He was born on my birthday. We went day after day to spend as much time as possible with him (while there were babies in the NICU just called "Baby Doe" because their parents couldn't deal with them or didn't want to). Our child was wanted practically from conception and we spent every minute possible with him. He struggled starting with his first breath. We were there when, at one point, he crashed and had three nurses and two doctors working to save a tiny preemie from dying, which they did.

For 2 1/2 monthes we practically lived at the hospital (mostly me 'cuz hubby had to work). Our son gained strength with each passing day. On the day of his "expected" due date, I went to the hospital as normal and spent a few hours with our son. Once home, I went next door to my friends apartment. Then my sister called. The hospital couldn't contact me at home so had called my dad's house. I needed to contact the hospital, which I did. Our son had died. I can't explain the emotions so I won't try. We got to the hospital as soon as we could. Nothing can prepare a person to hold their dead child in their arms. He was always beautiful, but in death, he looked peaceful, released from his suffering. Still, it was our child that we'd nurtured for 2 1/2 months. And he was lifeless in our arms. That's enough. Nothing against anyone on the TFP, but it almost seems wrong to explain further the heartwrenching moments that we went through, it's just to personal, so I won't (although I had at first and deleted it all).

Despite coming up on nearly 12 yrs.(my birthday every year), it never gets easier (possibly because he was born on my birthday). That may be a blessing in desguise, so that we never let his memory fade...

There are two more saddest days that I wanted to post but I must go to sleep, they will have to wait until tomorrow.

Ali
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Last edited by alicat; 02-28-2005 at 01:35 AM..
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