alicat

Christian upbringing, birth control, self-image. All those issues have been brought up and are possible reasons you wife is not interested or withholding sex. One thing that no one has brought up that surprises me, your wife very well could have been raped or sexually molested between your engagement and marriage. I'm sure everyone is aware of the low incidence of these abuses being reported. The fact that she enjoyed everything "but" intercourse, masterbated, engaged in talking dirty on the phone and then suddenly lost all interest is a huge warning sign to me.

There are many emotions that go along with being sexually violated, among them humiliation, hatred, fright, feeling weak, and sometimes guilt. I have never been outright raped (with violent penile penetration I should say) but have been violated twice. Warning: as will be visually obvious, this will be a bit long for me to relate my experiences.

When I was 14, I was dating one of my first boyfreinds, an 18 yr. old senior. I was a bit star-struck as he was one of the star wrestlers at our school and I was a wrestling cheerleader. He was sexually experienced and I was not (kissing and mild groping the extent I'd had). We had maybe 6 encounters at his house after school of making out. The last one before the day I'm about to relate, he had coaxed me into stripping naked except for my panties because he said I had such a beautiful body and he just wanted to look at me. Which is all he did along with our usual make-out session.

The next time I was there, he asked me to do the same which I niavely did. He then said he wanted me to take off my panties so he could appreciate my body fully, again, I stupidly complied. We started making-out and he said he had to go to the bathroom, I know now (or rather shortly after the fact) that he left to put a condom on. Most of you can see where this is going. At that time, I did not. I was 14, a virgin and trusting, he had been in a 4 yr. relationship (and still was I learned) and was quite sexually experienced. He came back, we resumed making out, he got on top of me (the dry hump position we'd done before) and within a few minutes, he thrust inside me. I was shocked and horrified, but did I scream, beat at him or tell anyone afterwards? No. Nearly twenty years later I still remember wearing baggy stirrup pants and a long sweater to school the next day so it wouldn't be quite so noticable that I was walking stiffly. I was so humiliated and confused that I was petrified at the thought of anyone knowing what I had been through. I felt guilty because even though I did not give my consent to have sex, I felt I had asked for it because I was there naked and making out with my boyfriend of 6 mths.. Did that give him the right to assume he could screw me? No it did not.

The second incident: The same time period. I had (obviously) broken up with the previous boyfriend and yet like most school girls, I had a crush on another wrestler. One day on X-mas break he (the crush) and two other guys from the team showed up at my house, supposedly just to shoot the shit. As they were walking out the door to leave, one of them (a 320 lb. heavyweight) picked me up, threw me over his shoulder and carried me out of my house, with me giggling at his antics and my mother in the next room. I was wearing a pair of panties, a U of M sweatshirt and sweatpants. I was laughing "o'kay guys knock it off already" when one of them opened their car trunk and threw me in. The 3rd. one (not my crush or the heavyweight) got in after me and they closed the trunk and took off. Initially I thought this was some kind of joke or cheerleader "hazing" until the dick in there with me started grabbing me and trying to force my clothes off.

He eventually did get my shirt off and through some sheer force of will I was able to fight him and he wasn't able to get into my pants or get them off. Then (about 5 min. later-time almost stood still) the car stopped and the trunk opened. They let me get out (topless with my arms crossed over my breasts) and get into the back seat with the heavyweight (we were somewhere in my subdivision). At first they were laughing like it was some kind of test (hazing) and I'd passed. Then the 320 lb. fuck started attacking me in the back seat (I weighed 95 lbs.). He stripped my pants off and as hard as I tried to fight him, I couldn't stop him from fingering me violently. As this was happening, I could see my "crush" watching in the rear-view mirror. As absolutely terrifying (undescribable really) as this was, I could see that they were taking me back to my house and therefore I had to endure this abuse only for a few minutes before we got there. I think the huge fuck realized this and got his times worth, harshly, on the way. They let me dress a block away from home and then dumped me at my driveway. I was in such shock, I limped into the house, yelled some lame excuse to my mother and crawled into my bed. Why did I never tell anyone until my father and husband a couple of yrs. ago after seeing a made for tv movie of an almost exact crime? Because a few days after this happened to me, the wrestling coach pulled me aside from cheerleading practice and told me I "better not fucking tell anyone and get any of his fucking boys in trouble!". How's that for leadership. This grown man, supposedly a mentor, threatened an already violated girl to protect his "boys" from a crime. And you know what? It worked, it clamped my mouth right up.

I'm sorry that was so damn long. Maybe it should have been a thread instead of a post. My point in relating all that is that hopefully I've shown that women can be victim's of rape or sexual molestation and there are many reasons and emotions that can keep them from confiding to anyone what has happened to them. The fallout from being abused can manifest itself in many ways, not the least of which (understandably) is sexual.

TheProf: There have many great suggestions in this thread as to why your wife is shunning sex. I am by no means saying that her behavior is the result of unwilling sexual contact (or by a far stretch of the imagination, willing, which could also lead to guilt). It is simply something I've experienced and know first hand can affect the sexual relations of even the most loving, devoted of couples. I am just offering up another possibility (which I sincerely hope is not correct). I'm a long lapsed Catholic so forgive me if I'm off here but even the bible endorses sex within marriage "Go forth and multiply", so Catholicism shouldn't normally cause a believer to not embrace sex after wedding. Good luck to you and your wife and your relationship.

Ali

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'Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun, The frumious Bandersnatch!'--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson