TheProf

Thanks for everyone's feedback - it's helping me a lot.

People are asking about our backgrounds,up-bringing, etc. as important factors; they may be factors at some level. We were both raised and lived with our parents until we were married (except for her going away to university, but it was still close to home). We also knew each other as friends for many years before we became engaged, and our families have been welcoming for us and our families.

abaya: We and our families are both Orthodox Christians (and please note, orthodox does NOT mean strict. Not at all - I'd rather not have people read that and nod, going "ah - that's why they are having problems - end of discussion", because it's not the case. Example, many orthodox Christian denominations, including ours, have no problem with sex for pleasure only as well as procreation). We waited for marriage because neither her nor I are the sort of people who wanted to just sleep around. For myself, I wanted to keep such an intimate experience until I was married (doesn't mean it wasn't hard!). Same with my wife, and since we both thought the same thing, it wasn't a matter of incompatibility in that issue. A couple-counselling program did not exist at our church, but it definitely is something I will recommend for them to start.

My wife did come from a more strict family and more religious up-bringing (Her parents are higher-ups in the church service), and I know it plays a part in her views about sex. Originally, when we first got married, she would be VERY uncomfortable during sex. We're talking having panic attacks, getting very emotional,etc. We did go to speak to a church priest/counsellor about this and she now agrees that sex is not bad, but has a hard time acting on that since she says she just has no drive. A benefit from the counselling was that she no longer has those strong emotions when we have sex, thankfully. She is now just not interested at all.

little_tippler: It is possible I suppose that she's had all this expectation and the reality is a let-down. I will in no-way claim to be any good at love-making, but I try. And I would think that if I had high expectations for something, and it didn't work out the first few times, I'd want to try it again, non? I always enjoy pleasuring her, but I don't think she can relax enough to let me do so. And you did raise an interesting point:
When I think about it, this is probably true. While engaged, she liked being a 'bad girl' as it turned her on while on the phone, masturbating, or if I touched her. Nothing at the level that can be considered S&M as I've seen on this board, but more along the lines of dirty talk. We did talk about this, and she realized that it turned her on a lot. Example: if she is coming close to climaxing during sex, she will be able to orgasm strong/easier if she's a 'bad girl'. However, she *hates* doing it. She feels she's acting and has to play a role to be turned on. She wants a more straightforward approach to sex, as I suppose she's learned is appropriate in the past. So she will refuse to get into that frame of mind. This topic was also brought up with our church priest/counsellor who told her that, within the bedroom, everything is acceptable as long as it is done in love. However, I don't think this convinced her.

I am, however, starting to place a heavy interest in the possibility that the Pill is causing this change in her sex drive. As I mentioned before, she did have a very healthy interest in our future sex-life before she went on the pill. She was not on it during the engagement period - only once we got married (technically a week or 2 before the wedding) - and we were both, to put it straight, very horny for each other. However, once we got married, which coincided with starting the pill, that has vanished at a fundamental level.
I sometimes wonder if she's actually feeling down about the issue. She has said at times she is upset at herself, but then simply reconciles this by saying that's the way it is, and that sex isn't very important in the grand scheme of life compared to work, family, etc. It's frustrating to hear that. ANd I do tell her that she's beautiful, special, etc. not for any reason except it is the truth. But it is getting to the point, as was stated before, that it's like being constantly sexually-frustrated because you have such a hot roommate that you cannot touch. I can't imagine that it's healthy to be masturbating while married because of lack of sex, but that's how I'm dealing with this frustration. She knows this, and has said it's fine with her since it takes the pressure off of her.

Is this clarifying the situation at all?

Thanks.