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I am a bit prone to wordiness, I'll be the first to admit.
So, cut back on the descriptives you reckon, just let the story flow without qualifyinf everything?
Sound advice.
but you like the premise. Well, like, cool. It's kind of hard to explain, but the wierd stuff makes sense, in context.
I'll give this a bit of an edit, and maybe continue it a little.
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