Charlatan

The closest I've come to this was a shart.

I was on the highway driving to my brother's place, about an hour and half north of the city. I felt the full feeling of a fart coming on and lifted a cheek to let one fly... To my dismay instead of a nice crisp fart I was served with a soft squirt.

I immediately clenched and held the rest in. Needless to say, I was pissed and embarassed. As luck would have it I was just coming up to an exit with a mall. I did the quick mental debate... get off and go to the mall or drive for an hour like this until I get to my brother's place...

I quickly exited the highway and high tailed it into the Eaton's department store. The whole time, my son asking, "Why are we stopping?" and me tersly replying, "I'll explain in a minute."

I raced to the men's department, picked out some replacement underware and proceeded to the checkout. The whole time, I am distincly aware that I have what amounts to a mini load in my pants. I am clenching to keep from increasing that load, praying that I don't smell and walking just like you would expect someone to walk in this situation...

At the checkout, I am sure the woman is aware of my predicament as she sees my red face, awkward stance and my only purchase... one pair of underware. I pay, and feeling her eyes boring into my back, I beat a hasty retreat to the men's room.

Once there, I duck into a stall, make a deposit and change my clothes. Relief.

On the way out, I calmly explain to my son what just happened. He can't decide whether to mock me, commiserate or laugh... The range of emotions that crossed his face was amusing to say the least...

Ultimately he just laughed right along with me.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke