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The LARK Program
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C. ,20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment
of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,
Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion
was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that,
thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of
the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the
guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under
your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali
Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help
him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing
these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the
chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills
at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items
locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters
(except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will
come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time. Just remind
them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs"
-- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our
job.
You take good care of Ahmed - and remember... we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially... Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld
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