01-09-2005, 02:01 PM
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#14 (permalink)
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Sky Piercer
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On a related note, does god have a sense of humour?
Quote:
It's a question, I think, that no religious text has adequately explored.
Suppose, just for example, you die and go to the Christian heaven. You wait around for ages at the gates, finally get in and here's your chance to talk to God. Everyone is listening.
"Hey God," you say, "what's the difference between God and a UFO? Give up? People actually believe in UFOs" You giggle for a moment, awkwardly.
What happens?
Here's my theory, based on whichever God happens to be in charge at the time.
Old Testament God: Gets really angry, throws lightning bolts at you and threatens to smite you and turn you into a pillar of salt and brutalize your family and destroy your city with giant flaming fireballs of death.
New Testament God: Smiles, nods, gives you some vague, unspecified threat and leaves.
Jesus Christ: Smiles, nods, blesses you anyway, and everyone smiles and laughs and you feel really foolish and walk away, vowing revenge.
Fundamentalist God: Smiles, nods, and tells you that everyone who has been home-schooled properly believes in God and not in UFOs. Condemns you to Hell because you went to public school and learned about "Evil-lution".
Calvinist God: Smiles, nods, and tells you that everyone who believes in God was predestined to believe in God, and that everyone else was predestined to believe in UFOs. Then asks you if you wish to believe in God so you won't go to Hell and accurately predicts your answer before you say anything.
Arminian God: Smiles, nods, and tells you that through witnessing and evangelism, people are led to believe in God and not in UFOs. If people still believe in UFOs, then believers have to sing LOUDER! Says that you'll be saved from Hell if you start singing.
Scientific Creationist God: Throws a lightning bolt at you (inaccurately) and then tells you that you have to believe in a 6,000 year old Earth and a global Flood to believe in God. Immediately condemns you to Hell because you don't.
Theistic Evolutionist God: Points out that the process He began millions of years ago has now led you to a belief in God, a bit too late to make a difference. Condemns you to Hell but is not specific about how long it will take you to get there.
Catholic God: Instructs the Pope to issue a new encyclical addressing the existence of UFOs. Adds: "Make sure that however you word it, Cal Thomas will feel that it threatens Western Civilization."
Skeptical God: Asks you if you believe in God now, and if not, what level of confirming evidence will be necessary for you to accept that God might possibly exist? (while holding a lightning bolt aimed at your forehead)
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