To be honest, men will never totally understand women. I've learned to accept this fact, but I'll still never stop learning as long as I live. After posting several 'help for men' threads, I realized that any information I have on women should be shared. I am also tired of giving out tiny amounts of info in response to others posts. Keeping that in mind, Here's what I have time to put down for now.
5 PLACES TO DO IT:
-On the washer: Your washing machine produces more vibration than any other appliance in your home. Problem is, most people don't use it right. You (yes, I'm talking to guys) should be the one with your butt on the lidd. The motion will be transmitted through your pelvis, essentially turning your member into a life-size vibrator. Run a warm water load so the top won't be cold.
-In the vault: To really add some spice to your sex life, make a quick stop at your bank. A safe-deposit-box room is quiet, the door is locked, and there's no camera. It's a great place to make a deposit and withdraw.
-At Victoria's Secret: The best dressing rooms for sex are at Victoria's Secret. Sometimes they have love seats in there. Ask the saleswoman if you can go in to make sure you like what your SO is trying on.
-In a beanbag chair: A beanbag chair is great for sex. You can contour it to any shape, and it'll support you in ways you're not accustomed to. Doggy-style works great when she's on her belly, draped over the amorphous blob (the chair, not you). Stick a couple of thick books under the bag to prevent sinking in too far.
-During Christmas at the in-laws': There's only one thing that might make the marathon holiday family visits bearable: a little covert sex. Here's the best way to pull it off: Bring the kids' gifts - wrapped, but in a bag. Say you haven't wrapped them yet and duck into a spare room. Have fun with the bows.
BEST GIFTS FOR HER:
-First, tell her what she wants to hear: The top three things women like to hear most from men are: 1. "I can't wait to see you." 2. "I love waking up with you." 3. "I brought you something."
-Find something at the last minute: Stop at a drugstore. Buy a decorative gift bag and stuff it with as many bath products as you can find (bubble bath, sponge, shampoo, lotion, etc.). Attach a note that says, "Tonight, your body is in my hands." (I realize how awful that sounds, but suck it up and be a man!) Flash your eyebrows, wink, and head for the bath. Oh, don't forget to clean the bath first.
-Go to a video store and rent the first movie you ever watched together in the theater (unless that movie is Alexander or Jawanaman). She'll be so touched you remember that she won't notice the gift cost you like $3. Make popcorn, drink wine, and see if that old stretch-your-arm-around-her-shoulder trick still works.
-Pick her up after work, but don't tell her where you're going. Then take her on a tour of places that are special to the two of you - the bar where you had your first date, the park where you dropped the L-bomb, the parking lot where you dropped your virginity. At each spot, reminisce about your relationship. Memories are almost as good for her as ESPN Classic is for you.
DON'T LET HER FOOL YOU
-Tell if she's faking: The most important thing to know about a woman's orgasm is this: if she screams during the middle of it, she's faking. While climaxing, it is nearly impossible to exhale. The female orgasm is not an explosion of endorphins and genital juices. It's an implosion. She'll draw her breath, tighten her muscles, suck every scrap of energy and sensation into the tiny nuget core of her being, and then give way exquisitely, the flow of goodness spreading up her chest and down her legs like someone kicked a can of red paint. After she may sigh, pant, or moan. But scream? Never. (this is based on testimonials of dozens of ex gf's and my beautiful wife, who is much better than my exs in every way)
-Tell if they're real: Breast implantation is surgery; surgery leaves scars. Look for twin scars underneath the breasts, under the nipples, or under the arms, close to the torso. It's more fun than an Easter-egg hunt. If she hasn't achieved nudity, check the outline of the top of her breasts. If one or both are perfect semicircles, suspect implants. If all else fails, cop a hug. If they don't compress at all, they're capsules.
-Tell if she's cheating: Send her flowers at work without your name on them and see if she mentions them to you. If not, go get your louisville slugger and a bottle of gin.
GET OUT OFF HOT WATER:
-Remove a lipstick stain: If you get lipstick on you collar and it's not your wife's shade, spray the spot with hair spray or dab it with rubbing alcohol. Let it sit for a minute or two, then wipe it carefully with a cloth. Or place a piece of masking tape over the stain, then yank it off. If that doesn't work, put the tape over your chest hair and do the same thing - that'll teach you to wise up.
-Make a brilliant save: When your wife or girlfriend catches you staring at another woman, keep staring. Stare as if you were catatonic, and respond only when she pokes you in the shoulder three times. Act startled - as if you've been awakened from a daydream - and say, "You know, I was just thinking about that wonderful weekend in the Poconos, and how much fun we had in that heart shaped bathtub." Just like that, you'll be off the hook.
IS SHE THE ONE?
Complete the good-wife checklist:
-Good wives are interested in being good moms.
-Good wives have that sex trigger you want to keep pulling.
-Good wives drive like guys. Driving is a great measure of competency.
-Good wives understand how to nurture and grow your money.
-Good wives have a sense of humor (after all, they are considering you).
-Good wives are not being treated on an outpatient basis for anything.
Give her the After-sex test: You can tell if the girl you're dating is worthwhile if you really enjoy talking to her after you have sex.
LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER
-Ask for her hand: Before you get married, ask permission from your fiancee's parents. This may seem old-fashioned, but research shows that 80% of the marriages that fail within the first year don't have parental approval. Another study showed that 70% of couples who divorced in he first years named in-laws as a big factor.
-Never argue about money again: To avoid marital money problems, view yourself as a financial team. Decide what's important to both of you (home, kids, college, retirement) and open a joint account to manage these areas. Deposit 90% of both paychecks there. Then, to keep each of you happy and to prevent arguments about 'frivolous' spending, open two individual accounts. Agree that the remaining 10% will be divided and can be spent however the earner wants. No questions asked.
-Teach your dog to defuse an argument: Think of what you normally say to your wife when you're having a fight. Repeat this word or phrase every time you play ball with the dog. Eventually, when he hears it during an argument, he'll obediently bring the ball and help defuse the altercation (thank you , Pavlov!).
-Have makeup sex anytime: Makeup sex is the best. When you fight, anger drives up testosterone in both men and women. If you go to bed with increased testosterone and agitation, the sex drive is going to be stronger. You can even reenact fighting - with the emotions that go along with it - without hurting each other. Try something that will create a little physical tension between you two like...1. Miniature golf 2. pillow fights 3. naked wrestling.
GET WHAT YOU WANT IN BED
-Turn your good girl bad: Here's a sneaky strategy to propose acting out your wildest notion: Portray your fantasy as a dream. For example, if you'd like to make love on the observatory deck of the Empire State Building but you're nervous about suggesting it, phrase the whole scenario as a dream: "Honey, I had the wildest dream last night..." Dreams are blameless, subconscious thoughts that sneak into our sleep. If she's turned off, simply dismiss the dream. If she wants to hear more, travelocity.com has good rates for going to NY.
SUCK ON THIS
-If your partner sucks on a breath mint before giving oral sex, it'll be more pleasurable for you. The peppermint oil in some mints can cause a mild irritation that brings a flushed, warm sensation to the skin.
-Sweeten your semen: An apple a day takes the taste excuse away. High in natural sugars, fruit blesses men with sweeter seminal fluid.
-Create a fantasy box: Take an empty tissue box and make it your 'fantasy box'. Write five secret sexual desires on individual slips of paper, have your partner do the same, then deposit them in the box ( NO menage a trois). Take turns drawing one whenever you make love.
-Play battleship: It's Saturday night. You're snowed in with nothing but old board games and two warm bodies. That's all you need to score.
--Monopoly: Make up your own Community Chest and Chance cards.
--Twister: You've already thrown down the plastic wrap. Now make it slippery.
--BattleStrip: Draw your clothes, and hers on two paper grids. You say E5, she loses her bra. She says F7, you unleash the torpedo.
7 WAYS TO DRIVE HER WILD
-Find her G-sopt: The g-spot is located inside the vagina on the forward wall (toward the navel). When stimulated, the g-spot swells to about the size of a half dollar and has the puffy consistency of a marshmallow. To find it, insert a finger and curl it toward you, in a kind of 'cum hither' motion.
-Hum during oral sex: Anytime you touch the skin with something vibrating, you transmit sensation to a wider area than you would through simple stroking. So relax your lips (think Mick Jagger) and hum a tune (try to be appropriate in your choice of song) as you bring the outermost portion of your kisser in contact with her vaginal lips.
-Lick, then blow: By licking her nipples, private parts, and neck, then blowing on the wet patches you've created, you can generate a sexy tingle that'll drive your woman wild. To make her head spin even more, use alcohol. It evaporates more quickly than water or saliva, producing a greater cooling effect.
-Hide the honey: You're blindfolded; she hides a dab of honey somewhere on her body. Try to find it - using only your tongue.
-Lose the tie: A necktie is the one article of men's clothing that women love most. The way silk feels against her skin, the way it smells after being tied around her neck all day. So take it off and rub it on her skin, or, even better, use it to cover her eyes. She won't be able to anticipate where or when your next kiss or touch is coming, so every touch will be more intense.
-Play the alphabet game: Make capitol letters with your tongue very slowly on her clitoris. See if you can make it to M.
-Shower her with flowers: Put flower petals on top of the blades of a ceiling fan. Turn it on when she lies down.
*stretches fingers* That's all for now. I figure by the time I get cracking on the next one of these, you'll just about be done with this one.