Samalie

Suicide is far too easy.

I remember perfectly. It was my 16th birthday. It was also the 5th anniversary of my Grandmother's funeral. Yes, the powers that be scheduled her fucking funeral on my birthday. I cared deeply for her, and her loss still affects me to this day, even understanding how how much of a blessing it was for her to pass - she put up a long battle with cancer.

Sorry, I got off track there....so I'm in the bathroom, having a shower - I was scheduled to go back to school that night to run the lighting for the Drama 30 annual play. And I thought to myself, what the fuck is the point? I was young....pissed off at the world....depressed, and it was compounded that I was what many others called a "loser" back in high school, which meant I really didn't have any friends - at least none that I trusted enough to confide in.

So I'm standing there, under the shower, realizing that there wasn't a fucking point. Or at least, thats what my fucked up teen mentality made me realize. So I climed out of the shower, and grabbed a knife I knew was in the drawer - one of those stupid scraping blades you can buy for a buck at those shitty dollar stores.

My tub had a ledge, and I sat down. I kept trying to come up with a reason to keep going, and I couldn't find anything. No girl - life at home sucked (not that my parents didn't try - but I was a rebellious teenager, and dad tried to go ultra-authoritarian on me, and I pushed back hard) - no car, no sight of the future.

Damn, looking back on it right now & re-hashing it - I'm amazed at how close I came. I wasn't gonna pussy out with a slit of the wrists - takes too much time. I rased the blade to my throat...going for the jugular (sp?)...

And stopped. I realized that despite everything I was needed that night. I made a promise to show up & run the lighting....sure someone else would have taken over, but I made a promise, and despite all the fucked up things in my life, I was a man of my word.

I got out - and went to do the damn drama production. And I don't know who spotted it, but somebody realized I wasn't quite right that night. Someone found out it was my birthday - and by the end of the production somebody took the time, energy, and imagination or organize a quickie party for me. Hell, the called me out on-stage and recognized the work I put in, and presented a birthday cake.

And something deep down snapped in me - I realized I wasn't alone - that there were people out there who gave a shit about me. Poor little insigifigant me. And suddenly the world wasn't such a fucked up place, and I didn't have such a fucked up life.

I went into councelling, and I worked through the shit I had bottled up for years. And life went on.

I still don't celebrate my birthday by choice, although I have kids now who want to make a big deal about it, so I play nice. But its still to easy to associate my birthday with death - and if I didn't have the support, and love, of those around me, I know I could easily fall back into the life that almost was lost - but thankfully I do have that.

I know, this rambled on and on, but the topic stirred up alot of shit in the back of my brain, and I've learnt that sometimes it just needs to be let out.

To the original poster - I want you to know you were in no way responsible for the suicide of this person - suicide is a dark road with too few off-ramps, and once someone finds themselves on it, very very little will bring them out of it. In my opinion as someone who stared into the abyss, it was only myself that could pull me back from the edge. I knew many others, and one friend in particular, who couldn't find a path out - and I know that it was not a single event, but a multitude in a line that he felt he couldn't recover from, which caused him to give up.

My heart goes out to you - its easy to feel responsibility for the actions of others. I seriously recommend you speak to someone about it, and let your feelings about it out.

Sorry for the rambling post everyone - if you made it this far, treat yourself to a nice frosty adult beverage. I think I'm gonna need one too tonight when I get home.

Sammy