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I fully support anti-smoking laws. I love having cleaner air. I also think that we should ban motor vehicles, fireplaces, public flatulence, oil-burning heaters, wood-burning stoves, campfires, charcoal grills, and the outdoor grazing of cows and other farm animals. They all produce pollution that gets into my lungs and acid rain that falls on my property. I feel that we should raise income taxes by at least 10% across the board to support enforcement of these laws.
Additionally, since indoor air eventually circulates to the outdoors, we should mandate smoke alarms in every room of every building in the country. Any time one of those detectors is set off, the owner should be arrested and fined for negatively affecting the air quality in our country and shortening my life by forcing me to inhale their pollutants.
Since air can easily flow across national borders, we should look out for ourselves, and declare war on any country that does not immediately agree to conform to our new standards. To avoid the dangerous levels of pollution created by a typical war, we will mount our horses (who will be outfitted with diapers made of gas mask filter material to prevent gaseous emissions,) and pick up our spears, swords, bows, and arrows and invade. For the overseas countries, we'll man the canoes and sink enemy ships with ballistas.
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