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Those "what ifs" are very, very normal.
That's the thing to keep in mind when death is on the table: whatever you're experiencing is very, very normal. Don't fight whatever feelings you might have about it--including apathy.
It's really easy to get yourself into a serious twist about how you should be feeling a certain way that you aren't, or shouldn't be feeling a certain way that you are.
And of course, even having thoughts like that is (say it with me) very, very normal.
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