warrrreagl

My worst concert experience was a concert I PLAYED in back in the late 80's.

Somehow, I found myself playing rhythm guitar in a country-western band that year. The band was called "Second Wind," but the bass player and I always called it "Suckin' Wind." The leaders of the band (the two folks who owned the sound equipment) were the lead guitar player and his girlfriend (the lead singer), and they were by far the weakest links. The bass player, the drummer, and I were pretty good, and we propped up those other two mightily.

We somehow won a Battle of the Bands in Columbus, Georgia, and the prize was that we got to be the opening act for Billy Joe Royal on his tour-stop in Columbus for Memorial Day. So there we were, 105 degress in Columbus, Georgia right as the sun was going down, opening for Billy Joe Royal at Columbus Astros baseball stadium.

One of our songs was "Harper Valley, PTA," and we performed it in B Major. In the history of country music, nobody EVER did a song in B Major, but we sure did. The reason was because we included a half-step key change to C Major in the last refrain, and the chick lead singer's highest notes were in that key. Therefore, it allowed her to really screech out those high notes right at the edge of her range. In retrospect, probably not a very good idea.

Also, her dumbass boyfriend couldn't play guitar in B Major, so I taught him how to play in A Major and use a capo on the second fret to take it up a whole step to B Major. Therefore, when the key change occurred, he would actually be fingering notes and chords in Bb Major and the capo would raise the notes up another whole step to C Major. Problem solved, right?

The stage was set up on the pitcher's mound and we were playing toward home plate, where the audience was sitting (THANKFULLY) behind the backstop. When we started "Harper Valley PTA," everything was perfect at first. But for some mysterious reason, the chick singer changed keys one refrain TOO SOON. She began singing in C Major while the rest of the band was still in B Major. At first, I thought she'd catch her mistake and scoot back down to B Major, but she doggedly hung on to C Major and kept singing one half-step higher than the rest of the band. So, the bass player and I nodded at each other and we changed up to C Major with the singer. Nifty idea, until we realized the dumbass boyfriend on lead guitar was too stupid to change keys somewhere other than the prescribed place, and he stayed in B Major all by himself. The first half of that misreable refrain was performed with one singer in C Major, and three other musicians in B Major. The second half of that same refrain was performed with one lead guitar player in B Major and everybody else in C Major. The only thing that could save us from such a horrible country-western train wreck would be the actual arrival of the correct key change, and dumb-bunny boyfriend would finally change up to C Major with the rest of us.

Which he did. Except....

At that same instant, bird-brained chick singer decided to change keys YET AGAIN, and she slid on up a little further to C# Major. So now the whole situation repeats itself; the first half of the last refrain had a chick in C# Major and everybody else in C Major, and the second half had a lead guitar player in C Major and everybody else in C# Major.

However, the whole thing was complicated by two additional problems; first, in order to play in C# Major, the lead guitar player would have to finger notes in B Major, and the 2nd-fret capo would transpose everything up a whole step, and we all KNOW he can't play in B Major. Second, the chick singer's high range ended at exactly C Major, therefore C# Major was exactly too high for her to sing in tune at all. So she screeched. And screeched. And screeched...

As to the unholy sounds that must have been coming through that sound system, all I can say is thank God for backstops at baseball stadiums. I'm also guessing Billy Joe Royal wasn't very impressed, either.

__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.