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Originally Posted by filtherton
That they are more ideal is a matter of perspective. Obviously, you will probably disagree with any advantages i bring up because you believe monogamy is sacred. That's fine, i respect that. I just feel like polyamory, since it is agreeably more difficult to achieve, is a higher standard of relationship.
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I don't claim that monogamy is sacred. I wasn't trying to make a blanket statement. I only meant that from my individual experience, I feel that it is. I feel that most relationships today probably aren't sacred at all whether it's monogamous or polyamorous because most people don't regard it as such and that's fine. What does marriage mean besides some legal documents? It's what you make out of the relationship that determines its value. Simply having a relationship that exists doesn't make it work automatically and it doesn't make it special. A relationship could have bad chemistry, constant bickering, physical abuse or whatever other negative extreme you could think of. What makes a relationship special is the time and effort you foster. I've dated several people that weren't anything special because it was so casual and frankly, based on sex and objectification.
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The monogamous part of a monogamous commitment is above all about denying one's urges. Even in the most ideal monogamous relationship, there will always be attraction to other people. One can claim that true love wears blinders, but in the end, we are all animals, with animal urges.
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I'm not denying any urges because all of it is fulfilled with my relationship. True, I can be attracted to another person. I can agree when someone is attractive either in looks, personality or both and I may even point it out to my partner. But I don't want to fuck every attractive person I see. There's a major leap there.
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I don't think the denial of sexual urges is a necessity in proving your love to someone.
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I don't come from the perspective that I should be "proving" my love. That is like coming from the perspective that you don't trust anyone and they have to "earn" your trust. I have always trusted my partner and we don't have to prove ourselves or our love. We just are who we are.
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It is part of my personal philosphy that attachment to anything is to be avoided when possible, and recognized and accounted for when avoidance isn't possible. I don't mean "avoidance" in the avoiding responsibility sense, more in the avoiding influenza sense.
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You are going to be attached to any person you have a relationship with whether it is a friend, pet, relative, or significant other. The attachment doesn't have to be big. But as long as you have emotions, and a capacity for memory, attachment is pretty much unavoidable. All it means is a close adherance or affection towards another...a bind or connection. When a close friend or relative dies, you may feel sadness and might even cry because you feel a sense of attachment to him/her, etc. We even give a sense of attachment to inanimate objects! Momentos that have sentimental value that we can't throw away, etc. If your house burned down, what one thing would you save? For me, it would be my violin. That's attachment.
The opposite of attachment is detachment. Are you distant, aloof and indifferent to your lover(s)? There is a difference between attachment and codependency. There is a difference between being attached to someone, and NEEDING someone...
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I am not cynical about finding the "right" person for me, because i don't believe that there is a "right" person for me. An athiest isn't cynical about religion. You can't be cynical about something that doesn't exist. I think the idea that there is a "right" person for anybody, in the cosmic, soul mate sense is a convenient hallucination people have when they want to believe that there is justice in the universe. I believe that everybody has something to offer me in terms of emotional and spiritual growth. In light of the belief that all good things monogamous can be achieved through polygamy i feel that monogamy would be limit my opportunities for growth and experience.
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Let me redefine what I meant by "right" person because I think you've misunderstood. I agree that everyone has something to offer me in terms of emotional/spiritual growth. I believe that many people have the qualities that match what i'd want in a lifelong partner. Some people believe that there's only ONE person out there for them and they either find it or they don't. This is the idea of a soulmate and I don't believe in that or any sort of weird cosmic connection. By "right" person, I was only referring to anyone that has all the qualities that you'd like for a lifelong partner. I've always believed the point of relationships was to search for this and as soon as you see something you can't live with that can't be solved, you must dump them and move on. The reason I don't choose polyamorous relationships if I believe many people could posses the qualities I seek is because I've already found it. One is enough and I am completely satisfied. To search out of my relationship would mean something was wrong, something was missing or I am unsatisfied
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See, i think that to make a relationship special, all you have to do is realize that all relationships are fundamentally special. The the relationship that i have with my lady is fundamentally unrepeatable.
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That may be true but that doesn't mean you won't repeat a similar relationship. I've had many relationships that seemed to "repeat" itself with the same kinds of patterns. People go through cycles throughout their lives and repeat patterns all the time.