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Originally Posted by filtherton
I guess the difference, and this is me speaking only for what i have experienced personally, is that in polyamorous relationships, there isn't generally this fantasy based expectation of what it means to be a participant in the relationship. No boundaries are completely predetermined.
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No boundaries are completely predetermined because of the experimentory nature of polyamorous relationships. I think the "disneyland ideal" is in the minds of people because the marriage paradigm has been in use for years.
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I do concede that there are most likely just as many codependent polyamorous relationships as there are codependent monogamous relationships. It was silly of me to say or imply that polyamory had an advantage in this respect.
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My point with that was that you thought it gave polyamorous relationships an advantge over monogamous ones and since we agree that it doesn't really, then what *is* the advantage of polyamorous relationships? If you're trying to avoid monogamous relationships because you think they're mostly codependent, why do you think entering a polyamorous relationship will be different? You seem to be making the argument that you can get all qualities of monogamous relationships except for monogamy itself in polygamous relationships so what
is the difference? I understand you can fuck more than one person, that's obvious but how does that fulfill a persons emotional needs other than making it more complicated (and thus harder to attain)? I guess what I don't understand is how polyamorous relationships can be more ideal because it would seem much harder to balance.
Your codependent views on monogamous relationships gives me a little perspective of where you are coming from and why you are trying to avoid it. Are you afraid of attachment? You mention that you and your primary partner understand that love does not require attachment, which is what I think your view of a codependent relationship may have. Perhaps you're cynical of what love is and finding the "right" one for you. Each persons individual experiences on relationships are different from the next person. A lot of people haven't experienced a monogamous relationship worth lasting for more than a couple years. I know what it feels like to be discouraged and cynical and closed to the idea that a meaningful relatonship exists. And I guess that's another question. Could a meaninful relationship exist in polyamorous love or is it just a way to escape from the confinements of "meaningful" monogamous relationships?
Currently, I come from the experience of basically finding who I want to be with for a very long time, if not my lifetime, so it's very different from yours. In my opinion, love requires at least some attachment because you give yourself a little vulnerability towards the other person. Like i've said before, when we care about someone, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in any way to another person, we are giving them some power with our feelings. And that can be an attachment, connection, or bond with another person.
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Look, it boils down this: People are what make relationships what they are, not some symbolic commitment or lack thereof. I think that the type of relationship is far less important than the people involved. The only important difference between monogamy and polyamory is that in one you can fuck more than one person.
What i'd like to hear is what the signifigance is monogamous relationships in agreeing not to have sex with another person. Though i've heard a lot about how that is what makes a relationship worthwhile, what i haven't heard is how.
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Fair enough. How does being with one partner make it worthwhile? I think that by dedicating yourself to one partner, you are choosing to commit to them in a way that makes it special to both of you, and no one else. You give eachother the 'gift' of your bodies and love and it can be almost sacred. Having multiple partners would give you more risk of objectifying yourself and/or your primary partner or any of the other parties involved because it would be harder to maintain balance and love them equally. Open relationships seem to be more about the ability to fuck more than one person, like you've said, than it is to maintain love, committment, growth, trust, etc. Although that certainly happens too, the "trap" with open relationships is that it tends to focus much more on the sexual act.
If my partner and I decided to bring in a third person, we would *obviously* love eachother more, and that other person would just be there to treat us. We would be objectifying the third person, or perhaps eachother, and I don't like reducing myself to others. You may feel empowered, and in control, but I think that all gets lost when you become a sexual object. I know I have the abilities to turn other people on or get into the possibilities of open relationships but for me, I wouldn't even consider that unless I was missing something, or was unsatisfied in any way. But instead, I am more self-confident than i've ever been about my body and have my own self-affirmation (instead of looking for affirmation from others). I feel empowered by being comfortable about myself, my body, and my looks and I get all that from being with my partner. I just can't imagine ever reaching a point where I would be unsatisfied and want to look outwards by opening up the relationship to other people. We are constantly changing, learning and growing with eachother and that's enough for us. We will never reach complacency. Like wilbjammin said, we value our intimacy and it is intimacy that gives our relationship value (among other things). Of course, I realize not everyone experiences that, so perhaps polyamorous relationships are justified in a fragmented society.