Blah, well most of the time, I am "afraid" to voice my thoughts/opinions but here goes:
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Originally Posted by filtherton
What i'm afraid of is falling victim to an out of touch, disney-esque, idealized image that our society has of love. Right now for me that means completely abandoning my society's oft unquestioned concept of what it means to be in a successful romantic relationship.
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What Disney-esque image do you speak of? Does that mean a throwback to the 50s perfect, happy "white picket fence" family? Because society is becoming so out of touch with that idea in itself that what you are proposing with polygamy being ideal to you is
not uncommon at all, by any means. If you think you are rebelling to unquestioned norms, and more and more people are right there with you, is that really rebelling? We are living in a postmodern world in which the reality around us is constantly changing. The "norms" aren't really norms anymore because even the norms are changing. In fact, I think more and more people are going to find themselves in "open" relationships or swinger relationships
or at least seriously think about it/want it as this trend picks up. Our American society is very individualistic and this may be where the polygamous idea is coming from.
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Originally Posted by filtherton
Most interpersonal relationships involve some form of compromise. Polyamory is just a different set of boundaries, with a different set of compromises.
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I don't understand... he is saying that compromises are true in any caring relationship, so what are you defending here? It seems like you care about your primary partner because there are obviously feelings there. We know there are different sets of compromises for any different models. Also, why do you think that monogamous relationships are inherently codependent? They don't have to be, and a healthy "ideal" monamagous relationship is more along the lines of
interdependency, which is a big difference. You have to constantly re-evaluate your feelings and communicate effectively for a healthy, monogamous relationship to work also.
First of all, there is no "perfect" Disney-esque relationship, it does not exist except in our minds. Relationships take work, no matter what model you choose to take (polygamous, monagamous, etc.) Codependent relationships tend to function when one person is unhealthily attached to someone else for the wrong reasons. They define their self-worth based on external sources like the relationship. This puts the person in a position of powerlessness and the other person having all or most of the power in a relationship. The codependent partner has no control because they have given away power over self-esteem. Their self-esteem is *defined* by the relationship.
Interdependency is about mutual partnership and giving another person *some* power with our feelings. The dynamics of codependent vs. interdependent relationships are very different. Interdependent relationships are much more balanced (although not perfect). Of course, when we care about someone, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in any way to another person, we are giving them some power with our feelings. Interdependency is normal and natural and happens in many monogamous relationships.
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The only thing one can't get from a polyamorous relationship that one can get from a monogamous one is monogamy itself.
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You keep saying this and I do agree that some people just don't seem to be fit for monogamous relationships, or marriage for that matter. But why are you asking to justify monogamy when it seems like you are just trying to justify polygamy? So far, I haven't heard any good reason why polygamy still supports the same love, respect and committment, trust, growth, etc. that comes from a monogamous relationship because those dynamics would be completely different in a polygamous relationship. Leaving a monogamous relationship and switching to a polygamous one would change everything. Like wilbjammin said, you would have to change your philosophy, and everything you knew about the relationship would have to change to accommodate to other people.
If your claim is really true, then doesn't that mean that codependency could still exist in a polygamous relationship? If your goal is to get away from codependency by trying different relationship models than the society standard/ideal, then I don't think you'll get very far. Codependency is still codependency no matter what relationship you are in. The fight to end codependent relationships is really a fight to end dysfunctional cycles within yourself. It seems to me as if you are trying to gain control, as well as a sense of individualism by entering polygamous relationships. Trying different relationship models could work, but it won't escape any problems that monogamous relationships could have.