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Originally Posted by wilbjammin
Being in a monogamous relationship does change the way that you make decisions. On one hand, you do give up a little in the way of doing things you once would do on your own. But that should be true in any kind of caring relationship. I do see many relationships that fall victim to the codependency problem, particularly because people are so willing forego responsibility for themselves. It is much easier to get through life if you don't have to face challenges, if that is how you want to do it. But that is true with anything and everything.
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Most interpersonal relationships involve some form of compromise. Polyamory is just a different set of boundaries, with a different set of compromises.
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I could easily say that polyamorous relationships can fall into the same category, by being unwilling to face the challenges that strong one-on-one relationships need. Truly, I think it is more complicated than that, but for all choices there is a sort of "opportunity cost" to use generic economics terms. We're always making sacrifices by choosing one thing over another. I think that I would feel that I was giving up too much by entering an open relationship or polyamorous relationship because I would be spreading myself out, and I can't imagine how I would ever feel like I was doing justice to anyone including myself. I think that life is necessarily different when you are in a committed relationship, because you have to assume responsibility for how your actions affect another person.
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I see what you're saying, but i personally feel like i can do justice to someone just fine in an open relationship. Being in an open relationship does require responsibility for how your actions affect another person. It isn't about unprotected sex with anything warm. It is about looking at a romantic relationship with a different perspective. Just like any other successful relationship it requires honest communication and respect.
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I find that the biggest challenge in a committed relationship is to communicate effectively, and to evalute how things are going. Relationships are challenging, that's why they're worthwhile. If a relationship is totally easy with no challenges, then you aren't getting anything of value from it. I'm constantly learning about myself and my partner, and we work together to make decisions and challenge each other. It is a very enjoyable process, but it is not one that skirts responsibility, the engagement of self, or being needy.
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I have the all of the same qualities in my relationship with my primary lady, we challenge eachother, learn from each other, and make some decisions together, i worry about the things she goes through, and she worries about things i go through. We support eachother emotionally, but we also realize that love does not require attachment. It takes just as much work and is just as challenging as any monogamous relationship that i've been in, probably moreso. Like monogamy polyamory is not the shirking of all responsibility, it is just the acknowledgement that exploring sexual and possibly romantic relationships with more than one person can also be rewarding, often for all of the same reasons that you cite your monogamous relationship as rewarding.
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From my experiences in this committed relationship that I'm in, I don't feel like I'm proving anything or that I need things proved to me. I firmly believe that love is something is demonstrated, love without action (like anything without action) is dormant and meaningless.
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I agree. I don't think love need be demonstrated by monogamy. Despite the fact that many people prefer their love with a side of commitment, they are two seperate things. You love your close friends, right? And it doesn't bother you that they have other friends, i presume. It doesn't cheapen your friendship with them when they hang out with someone else. Are romantic relationships so entirely different? I would die for all of my close friends just as quickly as i would die for any girlfriend i've ever had. I can't speak for anyone else, but the only difference between a good friend and an SO is that conventionally you don't fuck good friends.
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I think this statement is fundamentally abstract. If I left my monogamous relationship, my life would have some radical changes. The chemistry of my relationship would change, I would have to fundamentally change my philosophy of how I approach the relationship that I'm in, I'd have to fundamentally change the way I deal with others. In essense, I would have to become a new person to accomodate a different lifestyle. Would I lose in this situation? I certainly would. Currently, my life is full... I'm busy, I feel as though I don't have enough time to do everything I would like to do in my relationship, and to open that up rather than spending effort to strengthen the relationship I am in I would likely become more fragmented and I think I'd lose out on the intimacy that gives my relationship value.
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Aside from the inherent abstract nature of language, how is it that abstract? All of the things that are held up as clear and unarguable justifications for mongamy: love, respect, commitment, trust, companionship, growth, etc, can all be achieved in polyamorous relationships. The only difference is that there isn't any monogamy in a polyamorous relationship. It isn't like all of the ingredients for a good relationship are meaningless without monogamy as a catalyst, because they all exist in relationships where monogamy is irrelevant, such as friendships or familial relationships or polyamorous relationships. Of course your life would change if you left your current relationship, that isn't relevant to the issue at hand. The point, which is obscured by my poorly thought out thread title, is that i personally don't think monogamy is all it is cracked up to be. I don't think monogamy needs to be justified beyond the whole, "If it works for you, do it" rationale.
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When it comes down to it, I think there is a simple question that I keep asking and answering similarly, "Do I want more than what I have or seeing getting in this relationship?" I don't, and I don't feel as though I'm a victim of brainwashing or other social pressures to be here.
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Nope, there's nothing wrong with agreeing with the status quo; it doesn't amount to brainwashing. This raises an interesting question as to whether the idealized concept of what it means to be in a romantic relationship defined by our society is actually ideal, or whether it is just "the way we do things".