There has been a few things said here, and I think it is time for me to chime in now
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I want to be happy with myself, and i want to be with people who are happy with themselves. I don't want to be with someone who needs me and i don't want to need someone. I don't think that is healthy. I want to enjoy the company of people who enjoy my company. Monogamy can have different meanings, often i think it is just another word for codependence. I currently favor polyamory because if it seems nearly impossible to be successfully polyamorous and codependent at the same time because, like i said before, if you want to have an open relationship that works out for everyone involved you have to constantly re-evaluate your feelings and communicate effectively.
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Being in a monogamous relationship does change the way that you make decisions. On one hand, you do give up a little in the way of doing things you once would do on your own. But that should be true in any kind of caring relationship. I do see many relationships that fall victim to the codependency problem, particularly because people are so willing forego responsibility for themselves. It is much easier to get through life if you don't have to face challenges, if that is how you want to do it. But that is true with anything and everything.
I could easily say that polyamorous relationships can fall into the same category, by being unwilling to face the challenges that strong one-on-one relationships need. Truly, I think it is more complicated than that, but for all choices there is a sort of "opportunity cost" to use generic economics terms. We're always making sacrifices by choosing one thing over another. I think that I would feel that I was giving up too much by entering an open relationship or polyamorous relationship because I would be spreading myself out, and I can't imagine how I would ever feel like I was doing justice to anyone including myself. I think that life is necessarily different when you are in a committed relationship, because you have to assume responsibility for how your actions affect another person.
I find that the biggest challenge in a committed relationship is to communicate effectively, and to evalute how things are going. Relationships are challenging, that's why they're worthwhile. If a relationship is totally easy with no challenges, then you aren't getting anything of value from it. I'm constantly learning about myself and my partner, and we work together to make decisions and challenge each other. It is a very enjoyable process, but it is not one that skirts responsibility, the engagement of self, or being needy.
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Originally Posted by filtherton
I'm not afraid of monogamy, i am choosing to not be in a monogamous relationship because i don't buy into what the monogamy salespeople are selling. There is no emotional scarring going on here. There is a conscious, noncoerced choice to avoid buying into the idea that someone has to commit their life to me and me alone to prove their love to me. It works for some people, and not for others. It all depends on how realistic you are about what it really means to be in a relationship with another person, as opposed to what our society tells us it means to be in a relationship with another person. I think polyamory is about being a realist. Your perspective is exactly what i am trying to avoid, because you can't seem to fathom how someone could go about being in a relationship that is fundmentally different from the kind you choose to be in and still have a successful relationship. It is condescending for you to imply that my lack of enthusiasm for monagamy is a result of some sort of fear and that if i could only overcome this fear i would see that monogamy really is the one true way.
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From my experiences in this committed relationship that I'm in, I don't feel like I'm proving anything or that I need things proved to me. I firmly believe that love is something is demonstrated, love without action (like anything without action) is dormant and meaningless.
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The only thing one can't get from a polyamorous relationship that one can get from a monogamous one is monogamy itself.
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I think this statement is fundamentally abstract. If I left my monogamous relationship, my life would have some radical changes. The chemistry of my relationship would change, I would have to fundamentally change my philosophy of how I approach the relationship that I'm in, I'd have to fundamentally change the way I deal with others. In essense, I would have to become a new person to accomodate a different lifestyle. Would I lose in this situation? I certainly would. Currently, my life is full... I'm busy, I feel as though I don't have enough time to do everything I would like to do in my relationship, and to open that up rather than spending effort to strengthen the relationship I am in I would likely become more fragmented and I think I'd lose out on the intimacy that gives my relationship value.
When it comes down to it, I think there is a simple question that I keep asking and answering similarly, "Do I want more than what I have or seeing getting in this relationship?" I don't, and I don't feel as though I'm a victim of brainwashing or other social pressures to be here.