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Originally Posted by irateplatypus
the point of a monogamous relationship is to devote your life to someone else, not to satisfy internal needs. if you're feeling trapped or confined by a monogamous relationship then i would argue that the relationship, in certain fundamental ways, has ceased to be monogamous.
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I think the conclusion i have come to is that it isn't healthy for me to devote my life to someone else. I guess i think that it is less than ideal to devote my life to anyone who isn't my child. I understand the sentiment of monogamy, but to me it just seems like most people are coerced into monogamy by the idea that they can't be happy unless they are devoting their life to someone else.
I want to be happy with myself, and i want to be with people who are happy with themselves. I don't want to be with someone who needs me and i don't want to need someone. I don't think that is healthy. I want to enjoy the company of people who enjoy my company. Monogamy can have different meanings, often i think it is just another word for codependence. I currently favor polyamory because if it seems nearly impossible to be successfully polyamorous and codependent at the same time because, like i said before, if you want to have an open relationship that works out for everyone involved you have to constantly re-evaluate your feelings and communicate effectively. Such things are great in monogamous relationships, but aren't completely necessary to have a successful monogamous relationship, sometimes such things are even a detriment. My ex thought my overall lack of jealousy was a sign that i didn't really love her. Nevermind that jealousy is manifested insecurity. She thought that since i wasn't getting all bent out of shape about her hanging out with other men, that i was somehow not into her. It was this attitude, that somehow i should be more insecure in our relationship to show my love for her, that eventually led me to stop caring for her in a romantic sense. Her idea of a monogamy involved me becoming a stupid gorilla anytime she made friends with another guy. Now, i know that monogamy on its own is only a concept, i know that it is humanity eventually turns to shit anything that looked good on paper. I just think that, for a lot of people, monogamy means a great many things that are antithetical to respectful, equality based relationships.
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Originally Posted by shyguy
Isn't the idea of an "open relationship" inherently selfish? I have a hard time believing that a relationship between two people can be at all for each other when each person is going off to satisfy their own desires. At what point do you actually consider the other person (if there is a main one) or one of the other people (if they are all equal)? Do you even care if you lose one or more? Do you continue to have the same ones?
The idea that ratbastid put forward is not really what I'm talking about. Him(?) having a three way relationship could work with just as much giving but then you are giving to more than one.
I'm not saying that being selfish is wrong. But I believe you must be selfish to be in an "open" relationship comfortably.
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Could it not also be argued that monogamous relationships are also inherently selfish? Monogamy is essentially askind someone to foregoe loving or even thinking about another person as a sign of their commitment to you. How selfish is that?
Polyamory is only as selfish as those who engage in it. It isn't any worse than monogamy in terms of selfishness, it just involves different boundaries.