SpoilSport

I have been here at TFP for about 18 months. I have added my reply posts but never STARTED a thread. This is my first one. *deep breath*

I have exceptionally vivid dreams. I can FEEL things in my dreams. Pain, especially, quite clearly.

It's 02:43am, and I just woke up from one of the more unsettling nightmares I have ever had and I do NOT want to go back to sleep. I'm tired. I am very tired. But there is NO way I am going back to sleep. First a disclaimer: Normally, I do not retell my dreams. I am sure they do not carry the weight that I, the dreamer, had. I am sure that is as boring as piss to listen to. But part of the reason I do not want to go back to sleep is that a sensation remains from that dream, still. It's been about 20 minutes now. And it still hurts. Allright, now...I am not sure what I was accused of, I think it was a murder that I allegedly committed while on drugs. Now, I don't do drugs. I don't even drink, except for once in a blue blue moon, maybe once or twice a year. Even then it's usually *A* drink. Okay, so I was convicted. But it was an outpatient type thing where I had to show up at this sort of lethal injection clinic and see if I was to be executed that day. I showed up at the appointed time. I signed in. No one talked to me for about two hours and then an annoyed nurse told me basically to go away, nothing was happening today. My next check in was several days later at 14:00pm. I missed that appointment. I was in my parent's apartment in Hawaii (? - my parents live in a single family in Virginia) and my sister was there (I lost my sister in April this year). Two men showed up to execute me. They were annoyed, sarcastic, and patronizing. Telling me details from the events leading to my execution that I knew could not possibly be true, and that everybody else KNEW was untrue. They sneered and told me how drug use will make you conveniently forget thinks little details like killing somebody and the fact that I vehemently denied any drug use was typical of heavy drug users and was not going to get me out of this predicament. One man did not say much. He told me that he needed to administer a preliminary injection, a sedative. - Bear in mind that I was never placed in restraints, I was able to move about this small apartment freely. So, one guy holds me while the other puts TAC (topical anaesthetic cream) on the injection site (high on my right butt cheek, almost my hip) and then in goes the needle, which I do not feel, I feel like a very slight pinch and then warmth. He leaves the needle in me. he tells me to leave it, it's okay. So I am wandering around the apt. back and forth from my father whose in one room, to my sister and mother. I am frantic to find a ring and a rosary that I want my sister to have. It's important. I am trying to reach my fiance, but cannot. I find the ring. I put it on my sister's finger. I tell her that I love her, this is all a mistake, and I'm so sorry. My mother's upset and will not look at me directly or acknowledge the pending execution. I keep asking the two gentlemen for a little bit more time to say my goodbyes and telling them that it is all a mistake. The talker laughs and continues to mock me in that stupid patronizing tone. The needle is still hanging off me. I am distantly aware of it, but the sedative makes the thought of the needle breaking off or my impending death less important than the fact that I didn't do it. The talker tells me it's time, no more stalling. He's leading me to the living room where my father sits, devestated. I realize I haven't said anything to my mother. I ask to speak with her, to kiss her goodbye. As I turn around I see that my sister is visibly pregnant, she is walking away with my mom. She touches her belly, speculating on whether or not it is a boy or a girl. They walk away and I am somewhat relieved that they will not be witness to this. My father, however, is putting on a brave face for me, and offers to hold me in the last moments. I am thinking that there's no way in hell I am going to have him cradle his child as I die, and I back away a bit and bump the needle. At this point I tell myself that I cannot take this anymore and I am going to wake myself up - most of the time I have this kill switch if the dream is TOO intense and it's all about "Fuck this, I am OUTTA HERE". I wake myself up. My first response is to touch the injection site, which still feels as if there is something there, and then to call my father. I touch the spot and spare Dad the 02:20am phone call because I had a bad dream. There is what looks like a mark, but think that it's my imagination. The injection site still hurts, in that distant way when you've had a topical anaesthetic applied. I checked the bed and my clothing for anything that might have stuck me or poked me. Nothing. But now I do not want to go back to sleep. No WAY.

Now, I am a little too old to be behaving this way. A LOT too old. I was wondering if some of you out there have the same problem. And request that you tell me about them. I dream a LOT. I have a lot of nightmares. But I have always thought they were kind of fun, in a roller coaster/horror book/movie sort of way. Every once in a while I have one that throws me for a loop like this and it's always a BAD one. This was one of the bad ones.

So, do you feel pain in your dreams? Are your dreams vivid? Do you remember your dreams clearly? And do you have some that are so bad you don't want to go back to sleep?

I don't mean to be shitty, but I'll head you off at the pass; 1) yes, there's a LOT of stress in my life b) yes, I recognize that I have authority issues 3) I know that the pain was probably caused my real sensation that happened to my body and incorporated into the dream e) yes, I know that I am a big baby and that I should just go lay the fuck back down. But I feel better after typing this (albeit a LITTLE bit, I'm still kind of freaked) and want to hear about your dreams. Thanks for the therapy and in advance for your responses.