Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

Echodork · 11-01-2004, 12:42 AM

Ok, I need to get all of this straight. Your wife has done the following:

- Admitted to you that she is not attracted to you, yet she feels attracted to men she meets at the bar.

If you needed a place to start raising the red flag, this is it. Relationships are about attraction. You haven't had sex but 10 times in 6 months, yet your wife is fantasizing about other men when she masturbates. You don't need a therapist to see that there's something wrong with that.

- Dumped the kids off on you on multiple occasions so she can go out and drink with her "friends."

You're being used. You're a convenience, a babysitter. You're like her free ticket out of responsibility. She doesn't need to be a mommy, because daddy is willing to shoulder the burden while she goes out and downs daquiris with the guys from work.

- Made out with another guy on at least one occasion, and admitted to wanting to fuck him.

If my wife did this, she wouldn't be my wife anymore. There wouldn't be any forum posts or marriage counselling. She'd be on the curb with the kids and whatever she brought into the relationship, and no jury in the land would take her side.

- Lied to you about her whereabouts on more than one occasion.

Not even the most severe of her transgressions, but certainly a warning sign that your relationship is in trouble.

- Discouraged you from hanging out with (or meeting?) her friends in their natural environment (the bar).

Let me tell you what this means in plain English. It means "I want you to remain a concept, a vague footnote who I can blame for my sadness. I don't want my friends making a connection between 'my husband' and a real person, because then they will see that I am not as sympathetic as I make myself out to be in front of them." However, maybe I'm overanalyzing. Maybe it just means "The man I want to fuck is going to be there." Can you think of any acceptable reason why your wife wouldn't want you to hang out with her friends? I can't.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of this. There's a lot of good advice in this thread, and a lot of it involves ways you can move on with your life. Look, it sucks shit, it really does. But if what you're saying is true, then your wife does not want to be with you. Your wife is the one laying down all the terms of your relationship... you're always accessible to her, she's never there for you. You take the kids when she wants to go get drunk. You pack up her stuff for her. You agreed to switch jobs to one with a schedule that would accommodate HER job. I mean... come on, man. This woman has your balls in a vice grip. Are you getting anything at all out of this relationship? Maybe you're only telling us the negatives, but from where we're sitting, it looks like you're just being stupid by refusing to see the truth.

Talk to your lawyer, get things in writing, sign papers, get the process moving. If things stay on course, the day will not be long before she comes to you and says that either she has met someone else, or that she wants to sever the connection completely. The best thing you can do at that point is reach into your briefcase and hand her the papers, already documented, already signed. You need to be the one to take the first move. She already dictates the terms of the marriage... if you let her dictate the terms of the divorce too, you'll be working three jobs and eating ramen until your kids are 18.

11-01-2004, 12:42 AM	#113 (permalink)
Echodork Tilted	Ok, I need to get all of this straight. Your wife has done the following: - Admitted to you that she is not attracted to you, yet she feels attracted to men she meets at the bar. If you needed a place to start raising the red flag, this is it. Relationships are about attraction. You haven't had sex but 10 times in 6 months, yet your wife is fantasizing about other men when she masturbates. You don't need a therapist to see that there's something wrong with that. - Dumped the kids off on you on multiple occasions so she can go out and drink with her "friends." You're being used. You're a convenience, a babysitter. You're like her free ticket out of responsibility. She doesn't need to be a mommy, because daddy is willing to shoulder the burden while she goes out and downs daquiris with the guys from work. - Made out with another guy on at least one occasion, and admitted to wanting to fuck him. If my wife did this, she wouldn't be my wife anymore. There wouldn't be any forum posts or marriage counselling. She'd be on the curb with the kids and whatever she brought into the relationship, and no jury in the land would take her side. - Lied to you about her whereabouts on more than one occasion. Not even the most severe of her transgressions, but certainly a warning sign that your relationship is in trouble. - Discouraged you from hanging out with (or meeting?) her friends in their natural environment (the bar). Let me tell you what this means in plain English. It means "I want you to remain a concept, a vague footnote who I can blame for my sadness. I don't want my friends making a connection between 'my husband' and a real person, because then they will see that I am not as sympathetic as I make myself out to be in front of them." However, maybe I'm overanalyzing. Maybe it just means "The man I want to fuck is going to be there." Can you think of any acceptable reason why your wife wouldn't want you to hang out with her friends? I can't. I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of this. There's a lot of good advice in this thread, and a lot of it involves ways you can move on with your life. Look, it sucks shit, it really does. But if what you're saying is true, then your wife does not want to be with you. Your wife is the one laying down all the terms of your relationship... you're always accessible to her, she's never there for you. You take the kids when she wants to go get drunk. You pack up her stuff for her. You agreed to switch jobs to one with a schedule that would accommodate HER job. I mean... come on, man. This woman has your balls in a vice grip. Are you getting anything at all out of this relationship? Maybe you're only telling us the negatives, but from where we're sitting, it looks like you're just being stupid by refusing to see the truth. Talk to your lawyer, get things in writing, sign papers, get the process moving. If things stay on course, the day will not be long before she comes to you and says that either she has met someone else, or that she wants to sever the connection completely. The best thing you can do at that point is reach into your briefcase and hand her the papers, already documented, already signed. You need to be the one to take the first move. She already dictates the terms of the marriage... if you let her dictate the terms of the divorce too, you'll be working three jobs and eating ramen until your kids are 18.