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Well folks its been a few days now. To clarify some things, I am moving out also. I cannot stay where I am at and I am packing everything up and putting it into storage. I am moving into my parents house for now.
We have talked about our problems a few times now and what I am getting from her the most is that she is upset that I never went to college and that I am not dependable financially. I have had a lot of jobs in the past and its not like I am lazy, but the jobs just never seem to last. She feels that she will never be able to come back to me cause she cannot trust me and depend on me. She has also said that she just wants to see other people now too. I have made a deal with her that if she will go to counciling with me and it still does not work out I will be willing to get a divorce. But if she does not go, and she just gives up without trying then I am not going to be nice and will not co-operate. She said some things that were really hurtful when we were talking and I have to think that she said them just so I would get mad and want to get divorced too. That way she is not longer the bad guy. But its just so hard being alone. I have only a couple friends cause I was always working or watching the kids that I never went out. the places I have always worked at were with older people so I never met anyone there. So now having someone to go talk to is hard. Seeing her everyother day is really hard too. I just want to hold her and love on her. I don't ever want to go to bed cause I hate sleeping by myself in a cold small bed. Really the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my kids. I love them so much and I want to see them grow up. But I never thought it was going to be like this. I feel like such a pussy. I have not cried in years and now I can't even watch my kids without breaking down. You never really notice how much sex in on TV till your not getting any. I don't even know the last time I got sexually excited. Damn depression sucks.
Everyone says i should leave her and move on, I just don't know how to do that. I am going to have to see her almost every day. I love her so much I don't even care if she is doing this to me. I thought a couple weeks ago that I was prepareing myself for this to happen one day, man was I wrong. But even as I write this I just wonder how much of it is love and how much of it is my not wanting to be alone.
Sometimes I just wonder if I could leave and just walk away from the whole thing. kids and all, just move out of the state and never think about it again. seems sometimes like the only way I could do it.
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It's hard to remember we're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time
It's hard to remember to live before you die
It's hard to remember that our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember when it takes such a long time
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