thefictionweliv

Don't care to much to explain. I tried to add as much as a positive twist as possible as to be more for a reader than a reflection of my own demons.

Clamping the cigarette in my mouth as I fumble for a lighter. I used to dwell on the fact that these could kill me one day. Yet in anything in life you could ask how many times has it allowed you to live? The one moment where we die, the one that ironically releases all caring of the physical form, is the one we are haunted by in a stream of endless worry. With the inherit inevitability of it all the idea that any lifestyle choice can careen us down on a path of longevity seems futile. Even this monologue could keep me one step behind the assailant exiting my apartment, preventing him from panicking and sending a bullet to rip my torso to shreds. On the other hand it could keep me here just long enough to catch his car peeling out of the alleyway, of course he isn’t going to stop, he was never meant to, I should have been in the apartment lying on the floor. So I open my eyes for one last breath as the rear tires barrel over the length of my face snapping my neck. Now that wasn’t so bad, quick, relatively painless. Somehow my tar soaked lungs must have slipped my mind while my face was implanted with a rubber finish.

So it brings you back to wondering what it is worth for those few more years. I might be adding a rasp to the mirage of my older self, or helping the beer-belly along by sitting in front of the TV for a few more hours on end because I never ventured out for a smoke. I never knew why I smoked outside, sometimes venturing even to the 24 hour diner down the street. Hell I’m already smoking why not join the billion people who drink coffee not so much to wake up in the morning anymore but to prevent the splitting headache that would ensue if they didn’t. Soon the first time it woke you up really didn’t matter anymore. Even I have forgotten how I would have dealt with stress before smoking, or if there were instances where I wouldn’t have been stressed at all. If anything I never feel guilty leaving a room, for any situation, pull out the stick and a free ride.

Anything and everything kills you, there is nothing to make you younger. For possibly one day I might not have been able to leave a room causing my high blood pressure to finally reach its boiling point sending me into a cardiac arrest. You’re dead. The sooner you can accept that you are a walking corpse the sooner can stop worrying about petty nuances in life that won’t matter longer than it takes to auction you belongings off to some other chum bound for the same note. You can even share tips on interior decorating in the afterlife.

I’m not there at all though. I’m here in another time another place. An endless stream of choices conscious and unconscious has landed me here. Not just my choices but the instincts of animals and the billions of misplaced carbon molecules walking around this planet. There is no control there never was. So one day you think to yourself that you will sit in your room…your choice….a good feeling about self control, free will, yet alienation in itself is a system, a process, a curse. It has held through time that knowledge is power. Fuck power.
Knowledge is fear, pain, agony, strife, and every other thing wrong with the world. Why do people close their eyes when a gun is to their head? Because they do not want to see that trigger being pulled. They want to be in a better time and a better place, in their head they are with their wife and kids at the fucking park. If he didn’t cherish that memory then he certainly is now. The fact that he is going to die is being buried in memories. Yet its not only death, its someone at a bar drinking away the wife that left him searching for a single moment where he is no longer alone. The 5 year old boy is happy on that swing in the park, because he does not have the ability to yet comprehend the arguments of bills, jobs, adultery, war, religion, and regret that his parents are throwing across the room.

Maybe all of this was meant to be a warning to you about how detrimental knowledge can be. Perhaps a sign to be happy with a simple life and do not seek out the other side of everything. For one day you may stumble on the ultimate extreme and you may wonder the streets and wonder why you even fucking bothered. You will watch your favorite TV show and you will no longer laugh. You will eat a food you used to so much enjoy and all you will be able to think about is the time 15 seconds later when the flavor is gone, was never there, and does not matter. If it was bad you washed it out, if it was great you swallowed it.