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onetime2 · 09-27-2004, 04:46 AM

Like others, I tend to think you are heading in the right direction but took a path filled with brambles. I'm certain it was not an easy decision (if I'm mistaken and it was then that should tell you it wasn't the right one) and I have little doubt that a large part of your actions was looking out for your daughter and grandchild.

But, from your writing it seems that you have taken the act that resulted in your grandchild as an affront to your family and yourself. You portray it as a crime against your whole family.

This was certainly a crime and your daughter is, in a way, a victim but she is not nearly the victim that the law treats her as. I hope that you see this too. She's guilty of making bad decisions and the man in her life is guilty of slightly more than that since he had to know what he was doing was illegal. But they are both really just kids. It's possible that this man could mature and be a stand up guy. It may not happen in the time frame that you would like but no court is going to force him to mature. This man will hopefully be in this child's life for the next several decades. The actions you've already taken and those you take in the very near future will color the relationship you have with him, your daughter, and your grandchild. Beyond that your attitude and actions will shape the relationship your grandchild has with your daughter and its father.

Your daughter seems to have written you off right now. What about the father? If you want him to start acting like a man perhaps it's time you treated him as one (whether he's proven that he deserves it or not). Talk to him and explain the things you've outlined in this thread. He probably understands a lot of your concerns and he probably shares a lot of them. He may just surprise you. You can't dictate the pace of him taking responsibility but you may be able to remove some of the barriers to it.

And please, do not use the support you provide to her as a lever. You want what's best for your daughter and grandchild. I hope that you would consider continuing the support so long as it's being used responsibly by her to care for herself and the child.

Good luck.

09-27-2004, 04:46 AM	#20 (permalink)
onetime2 Junkie Location: NJ	Like others, I tend to think you are heading in the right direction but took a path filled with brambles. I'm certain it was not an easy decision (if I'm mistaken and it was then that should tell you it wasn't the right one) and I have little doubt that a large part of your actions was looking out for your daughter and grandchild. But, from your writing it seems that you have taken the act that resulted in your grandchild as an affront to your family and yourself. You portray it as a crime against your whole family. This was certainly a crime and your daughter is, in a way, a victim but she is not nearly the victim that the law treats her as. I hope that you see this too. She's guilty of making bad decisions and the man in her life is guilty of slightly more than that since he had to know what he was doing was illegal. But they are both really just kids. It's possible that this man could mature and be a stand up guy. It may not happen in the time frame that you would like but no court is going to force him to mature. This man will hopefully be in this child's life for the next several decades. The actions you've already taken and those you take in the very near future will color the relationship you have with him, your daughter, and your grandchild. Beyond that your attitude and actions will shape the relationship your grandchild has with your daughter and its father. Your daughter seems to have written you off right now. What about the father? If you want him to start acting like a man perhaps it's time you treated him as one (whether he's proven that he deserves it or not). Talk to him and explain the things you've outlined in this thread. He probably understands a lot of your concerns and he probably shares a lot of them. He may just surprise you. You can't dictate the pace of him taking responsibility but you may be able to remove some of the barriers to it. And please, do not use the support you provide to her as a lever. You want what's best for your daughter and grandchild. I hope that you would consider continuing the support so long as it's being used responsibly by her to care for herself and the child. Good luck. __________________ Strive to be more curious than ignorant.