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SecretMethod70 · 09-26-2004, 01:28 PM

A couple things to say here:

First, I don't disagree with your actions really. Perhaps you could have gotten across the importance of them to your daughter better, but I get the impression that you tried and she's simply to young and naive to understand.

A lot of comments have pointed out that he did not forcably have sex with her. This is true. However, the reason we have statutory rape laws is because when there is an age difference such as this one, it is easy to coerce the child - and that's what she is - into sex. She thinks she's in love; he's enjoying a good "lay."

The fact is, ignoring the nice "moral" reasons for trying to do what you're trying to do, I'm going to look at it from a "selfish" perspective. Right now, YOU are funding her and her child's life. It sounds to me - especially given that she's on welfare and hanging out with gangbangers - that her mom is pretty much a deadbeat too. If you don't mind my asking, why don't you have custody, and why didn't you fight to get custody once it became clear her mother was not providing any authority? Either way, with a deadbeat mom and the guy not paying child support - and her not WANTING him to - YOU are the one funding her and this child. Even if you get him to pay child support, she will simply return it to him. However, the good side of it is that when she finally realizes she needs it, she may start to keep it.

And now for the "harsh" part: I think she's a lost cause. By this time in her life, I don't think there's much you can do to help her see the "error of her ways" so to speak. Make sure she knows you'll always be ready and there if and when she decides she would like to speak with you again, but when she turns 18, *DO NOT GIVE HER ANYTHING.* Yes, it's hard considering it's your grandchild, but if you continue to support her out of guilt or love or whatever after she is 18, YOU will end up being the financial father to this child - and whether or not you get this guy to pay child support won't matter because, like I said, she'll just return it or find some way to not use it. Not only will you be their financial support now, but you will be for a significant time to come. And it will only perpetuate her own irresponsibility, because whenever you decide to stop, there will always be welfare available as well. At this point, I would do what's best for YOU financially, while trying to secure the future of your daughter and grandchild. Make sure that she has child support to lean on once she's 26, living on the streets and off welfare and hasn't talked to this guy in 6 years, but don't give her ANY money until she starts acting more like an adult and more like the parent that she now is (if that ever happens which I don't think it will). Hopefuly, when she's working in McDonald's in her mid-20's she'll realize that she can lead a better life and perhaps reinitiate a relationship with you. Once she realizes she has more worth, then help her all you want.

09-26-2004, 01:28 PM	#19 (permalink)
SecretMethod70 Human Administrator Location: Chicago	A couple things to say here: First, I don't disagree with your actions really. Perhaps you could have gotten across the importance of them to your daughter better, but I get the impression that you tried and she's simply to young and naive to understand. A lot of comments have pointed out that he did not forcably have sex with her. This is true. However, the reason we have statutory rape laws is because when there is an age difference such as this one, it is easy to coerce the child - and that's what she is - into sex. She thinks she's in love; he's enjoying a good "lay." The fact is, ignoring the nice "moral" reasons for trying to do what you're trying to do, I'm going to look at it from a "selfish" perspective. Right now, YOU are funding her and her child's life. It sounds to me - especially given that she's on welfare and hanging out with gangbangers - that her mom is pretty much a deadbeat too. If you don't mind my asking, why don't you have custody, and why didn't you fight to get custody once it became clear her mother was not providing any authority? Either way, with a deadbeat mom and the guy not paying child support - and her not WANTING him to - YOU are the one funding her and this child. Even if you get him to pay child support, she will simply return it to him. However, the good side of it is that when she finally realizes she needs it, she may start to keep it. And now for the "harsh" part: I think she's a lost cause. By this time in her life, I don't think there's much you can do to help her see the "error of her ways" so to speak. Make sure she knows you'll always be ready and there if and when she decides she would like to speak with you again, but when she turns 18, DO NOT GIVE HER ANYTHING. Yes, it's hard considering it's your grandchild, but if you continue to support her out of guilt or love or whatever after she is 18, YOU will end up being the financial father to this child - and whether or not you get this guy to pay child support won't matter because, like I said, she'll just return it or find some way to not use it. Not only will you be their financial support now, but you will be for a significant time to come. And it will only perpetuate her own irresponsibility, because whenever you decide to stop, there will always be welfare available as well. At this point, I would do what's best for YOU financially, while trying to secure the future of your daughter and grandchild. Make sure that she has child support to lean on once she's 26, living on the streets and off welfare and hasn't talked to this guy in 6 years, but don't give her ANY money until she starts acting more like an adult and more like the parent that she now is (if that ever happens which I don't think it will). Hopefuly, when she's working in McDonald's in her mid-20's she'll realize that she can lead a better life and perhaps reinitiate a relationship with you. Once she realizes she has more worth, then help her all you want. __________________ Le temps détruit tout "Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling Last edited by SecretMethod70; 09-27-2004 at 07:08 AM..