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OK well I was hoping that I would not have to go through the long and boring story of my life so I will try and keep it short.
We met through a mutual friend and we hit it off right away, within a few months she was pregnant. She was seventeen and living with her sister who adopted her cause her mother died and her father went to jail on sexual abuse of her younger sister. So we thought about adoption first and we decided that we had a good support system and we had inherited her mother’s life insurance when she turned 18. It was about 40K we bought a car paid off another and bought a condo. We invested the rest into Williams communication stock and eventually lost it all. But that’s another story. So I had a decent job and we were both happy until I got laid off. I eventually found another job, but she had to start working. Then she gets pregnant again and I want to get a better job and I start working for a mortgage broker. I think I am going to make a killing so I bought a new house. So far so good. We move into our house and everything’s OK until the mortgage payments start taking a toll and my job which is based on commission is getting less and less stable. Things start to get worse between us. She is going to school full time and working full time and so am I, but we are barely getting things paid and we start having to use up our credit cards. Things start going from bad to worse when she stops having a sex drive after the second one was born. She gets on the shot and she dried up, we had sex maybe 10 times in a 6 month period. We have problems but we don't get into fights. She gets depressed sometimes but nothing to the point of breaking. So then comes winter when the slow time in the mortgage industry starts and I have no income for two months. We decide that the only thing that we can do is file for bankruptcy. Our condo and the house and all the credit cards were over 250K. But I though that starting over without all this debt would change things and she would be happier cause there would be less stress of having to pay the bills. But we start getting into more fights over stupid shit. She does not like the way I wash the kid’s juice cups or something like that. we hardly ever yelled before and now she is throwing shit all over the place (note: she is fillipino so they do have tempers) So I am thinking that if I take care of the house as much as possible she can concentrate on schoolwork. But she gets depressed and "unmotivated" to do anything and she says it’s my fault. I found a piece of paper that she was writing on that had some clues that she was planning on moving out. And I asked her about it and she said that she was seriously thinking about it. She wants to get away so she can do her school work and she thinks the only way she can do that is if she is not near me. As if I am some black hole that swallows all motivation and inspiration. So she thinks by doing this it will allow her to get to know herself and what she wants from life. She does not have many girlfriends and she wants to have more time to spend out with the friends that she does have. (By the way any time she ever wanted to go out I would have not problem with it and I would watch the kids. But if I ever wanted to do something like play basketball once a week she would give me all sorts of shit.) The only problem is that by moving in with her sister who also works full time and goes to school is that she is not going to have any time. I will have the kids from Thursday evening till Sunday evening, so I would have to get a job that did not work during the weekends; she won’t have them on the weekends because she is a server at a restaurant and cannot make any money by not working weekends. She is planning on paying rent and her car and insurance and utilities, but I have to pay for the day care. Which she wants to be every day M-F which I say ain't gonna happen. Just on Tues and Thurs when she is in school. But anyway no I do not think she is seeing anyone else. I don't think that she has the self confidence to do that. She is very self conscience about her breasts that deflated after pregnancy. (She wants implants) plus that fact that she has always said I was the best sex she has had. And without having much of a sex drive anymore I doubt that is the case. Although I do not rule it out.
So going through all of that and I never treated her poorly. I have tried to do my best to provide and unfortunately I have failed miserably. I just would to fail at this marriage too.
I have never been a jealous person and I keep my temper at bay most of the time, so when she laid this on me I just listen and make suggestions but did not get upset. I don't know if she was mad or relieved that I did not get enraged, but she did say "this is exactly how I thought you would respond" so I don't know what that ment. I would like to think that she is just saying this to get me to chase her or somehow show her that i will fight for her, but after today when she said she just does not like being around me and wants to get away and be herself, I have my doubts.
So again I would have to ask how much should I let her go? should it be ok if she wants to see someone else? should we continue to have sex? would we go out at all or do we just not see eachother unless she is dropping off the kids? She has said that she will go to a marriage councilour, but when I asked her today if she would fight to keep our marriage she said no, but that might change cause I really don't want to get a divorce, I just need so time.
So now I wonder just how much time is she talking. And why is it that she "does not like being around me"?
Just for the record no we did not use condoms cause she does not like them, and we tried counting days which does not really work all that well.
The funny thing is that I have sort or been expecting it and I have kinda kept myself from getting too attached, which did not work cause I know this is going to be very hard on me. I just did not think it would be so soon.
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It's hard to remember we're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time
It's hard to remember to live before you die
It's hard to remember that our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember when it takes such a long time
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