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I'm closest to happy or normal two weeks out of the month when I go stay with friends.
The rest of my time is spent figuring out a way I can manage to kill myself (I'm not talking methods, I'm trying to find the will to succeed should an attempt be made), figuring out ways of alienating myself through observing the input of others when they deal with other people ("Man, that guy is fucking fat as hell," "Look at his face, he'll never find love."), and bitching about my problems when I am not paranoid of my friends or the people I am talking to.
Using the word "bitch" reminds me of the word "nagging" which reminds me of your stupid whiney bitch wife that cooks you dinner while you tell her to shut the fuck up while your fat slob ass sits on the couch watching his Monday Night Football. I don't want to be seen as a naggy wife, so internalization it is.
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