Have you ever <A HREF="http://www.edwardwillett.com/Columns/skunks.htm"target="_BLANK">smelled</A> a <A HREF="http://www.deadoraliveinfo.com/dead.nsf"target="_BLANK">decomposing</A> <A HREF="http://www.askmen.com/money/mafioso_100/103_mafia.html"target="_BLANK">rat?</A>
So the other <A HREF="http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/image/0011/earthlights2_dmsp_big.jpg"target="_BLANK">night</A> I was <A HREF="http://www.cubikforce.com/index.php?subaction=showfull&id=1092200056&archive=&start_from=&ucat=8&"target="_BLANK">awoken</A> by a <A HREF="http://www.idsoftware.com/public/patrick/FUN/1074025558202.jpg"target="_BLANK">strange</A> rustling noise in bed. After checking if it was Mrs Mephisto (no such luck), I slowly realised it was coming from the ceiling above me. Now, Mrs Mephisto's parents live in a single-storey home (like most <A HREF="http://homepage.powerup.com.au/~manfred/jeremy_australia.htm"target="_BLANK">Australians</A>), on a large property in the <A HREF="http://www.all-free-big-huge-tits-boobs-breasts-nipples-pictures-sex-porn.com/image121.jpg"target="_BLANK">hills</A>. The first thing I thought of was that some little <A HREF="http://www.angelescity.com/aussie_slang.html"target="_BLANK">Australian</A> <A HREF="http://homepage.powerup.com.au/~manfred/jeremy_australia.htm"target="_BLANK">beasty</A> had made its way up into the roof-space and was merrily knibbling away at whatever heirlooms were stored up there. I tried to ignore it, but there was no way I could get back to sleep. Eventually it got so annoying that even Mrs Mephisto woke up, followed shortly thereafter by her father. I met him in the corridor outside the room, as I had to get up for my early conference calls in anycase.
"Do you hear that?" I asked.
"Yeah," he mumbled, "bloody <A HREF="http://www.hotboxdesigns.com/Worlds%20Largest%20Mousetrap!.html"target="_BLANK">rats</A>." With that he took a broom-handle and <A HREF="http://movies.sidetraked.com/jdamboom.mpg"target="_BLANK">banged</A> the roof yelling "Get out of there, ye little bugger!" and wandered off to bed.
Well, we heard no more from it so I assumed it was scared away. A few days later the <A HREF="http://www.smellyshit.com/"target="_BLANK">smells</A> started...
Now, it later transpired that Mrs Mephisto's father had laid rat poison down (which I'm led to believe is meant to make the rat seek out water and thereby ensure it doesn't die beside the bait), so it could have been this that spelled <A HREF="http://www.bifrost.com.au/hosting/gnomes/"target="_BLANK">curtains</A> for ratty. Personally I think the poor thing died of a heart-attack when it got a broomhandle nearly rammed up its <A HREF="http://www.well.com/www/cynsa/newbutt.html"target="_BLANK">ass</A>, but that's not important. What is important is that the little fecker died, not far away but right above our bedroom. At first I didn't know what to do. I _thought_ I could smell something odd, slightly <A HREF="http://www.simpelmail.com/zooi/pretty.jpg"target="_BLANK">unpleasant</A>, slightly putrid, but I couldn't really ask Mrs Mephisto's folks. I left it for a day or so, and then began to drop <A HREF="http://www.uhs-hints.com/"target="_BLANK">hints</A>...
"Did you <A HREF="http://www.talkingpresents.com/productpages/fart_detector.html"target="_BLANK">fart?</A>" I asked her.
"<A HREF="http://www.misternicehands.com/"target="_BLANK">No!</A>" my wife replied, boxing me on the arm (she does that a lot).
"Did you bring <A HREF="http://www.calumm.uklinux.net/vdsc/vdsc_options.php"target="_BLANK">dog</A> <A HREF="http://www.turdtwister.com/"target="_BLANK">shit</A> in on your <A HREF="http://www.parents-talk.com/cgi-bin/passer2.pl?passed=asqretrwiuwqweialsdkjfosis&userloginname=0&filename=talking_teen/messages/990.html"target="_BLANK">shoes?</A>" I asked the next day.
"No I did not!" came the curt reply.
Despite her cold, by about the third day even Mrs Mephisto began to smell it. Both her parents were suffering from the flu, so they were apparently immune and I alone was left <A HREF="http://www.simpelmail.com/zooi/cola.jpg"target="_BLANK">gagging</A> each time I went to the bedroom, wallowing through the putrid smell of decay. <A HREF="http://www.scarefactory.com/catalog/animated.htm"target="_BLANK">Lovely jubbly</A>.
Eventually Mrs Mephisto herself began complaining to her father . Now Mrs Mephisto's father is hard as nails, a <A HREF="http://library.trinity.wa.edu.au/subjects/sose/austhist/vietnam.htm"target="_BLANK">Vietnam</A> vet, a very successful business man and the best handy-man I've ever met. I think he probably thought we were just soft but, welcoming as he is, he went up into the ceiling and removed one dead rat, along with some "soiled" cladding.
Well, unfortunately the <A HREF="http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/tv/humansenses/programme1.shtml"target="_BLANK">smell</A>, though much reduced, is still there. I think it's permeated through throughout the curtains and bedding. I guess I'll have to launder those tomorrow.
So what's the moral of this (excuse the pun) unpleasant little tale? Well, there is none; apart from advising you <B>not</B> to let a rat decompose just feet above your bed. But then again, you proably already knew that, right?
* * *
Who would have thought <A HREF="http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200408/s1185358.htm"target="_BLANK">Australia</A> has <A HREF="http://www.muchosucko.com/link3805comments.html"target="_BLANK">Nazis</A>? I couldn't believe it when I got over here, but some <A HREF="http://saait.be/images/linkdump/Yamaha.wmv"target="_BLANK">fuckwit</A> called Von Tongren is on trial for conspiracy to firebomb ethnic businesses. Some of his followers were recently convicted of daubing anti-immigrant slogans and swastikas on walls and shops. Stupid fucking <A HREF="http://www.clumsycrooks.com/"target="_BLANK">criminal</A> <A HREF="http://www.insults.net/"target="_BLANK">assholes</A>. I thought Australia was the one place in the world that was <A HREF="http://www.tolerance.org/"target="_BLANK">immune</A> to that kind of <A HREF="http://gold-exp.hp.infoseek.co.jp/yukari3.htm"target="_BLANK">shit</A>...
* * *
We just finalized our mortgage the other day. What a feckin' pain in the ass. I signed so many forms I actually had a bloody cramp in my hand. Our "Personal Banker" (spelt with a W) was this absolutely <U><B>enormous</B></U> woman called Tammy. Not fat, just fucking <A HREF="http://www.teamnull.com/blog/archives/Huge_Tits1.jpg"target="_BLANK">HUGE</A>. She must have been over 2metres tall (that's over 6'6" to you <A HREF="http://americanhistory.about.com/library/prm/bllaststandcrazyhorse1.htm"target="_BLANK">crazy Americans</A>) and built like a <A HREF="http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/placebo/brickshithouse.html"target="_BLANK">brick shithouse</A>. And (as they say down here), she was as rough as guts and had a <A HREF="http://www.nbcolympics.com/athletebios/5026808/detail.html"target="_BLANK">funny name</A>. At first I thought she had wandered into the bank by mistake from some outback farm, tying up her horse outside having perhaps mistaken the business centre for a industrial <A HREF="http://www.uswa.ca/eng/steelpride/steelpride_2.htm"target="_BLANK">steelworks</A> or something. But apparently not. I guess she wasn't that bad, but she still works for the <A HREF="http://www.darklinks.com/"target="_BLANK">Dark Side</A> in my <A HREF="http://www.askmen.com/money/mafioso/32_mafia.html"target="_BLANK">opinion</A>. I hate banks. I know we need them, but that doesn't mean I can't hate them. I hate <A HREF="http://www.scripttease.co.uk/Diarrhoea.jpg"target="_BLANK">diarrhoea</A>, but I suppose that has a function too...
Anyway, it will take us about a year to get our plans completed, approved by the local council and then having the house actually built. "What's this?!" I hear you ask, "You're going to stay living with your Mother-in-Law for another fucking year?!! Are you crazy?!!"
Well, no and yes. No, I'm not going to stay living here with my wife's parents, despite how good they've been to me everyone needs their own space. So.... I'm moving NEXT DOOR!!! Yes, can you believe it? It's like some fucking "<A HREF="http://www.cbs.com/primetime/everybody_loves_raymond/"target="_BLANK">Everyone loves Raymond</A>" <A HREF="http://www.scarefactory.com/catalog/animated.htm"target="_BLANK">nightmare</A>.
To be fair, whilst it <B>is</B> next door, in this case next door means about 400 metres up the road. As we all live "<A HREF="http://www.funny.co.uk/keywords/inbred-mountain-men-legends.html"target="_BLANK">in the hills</A>" at the moment, the blocks of land are pretty large. And Mrs Mephisto's folks own about 20 hectares here with three houses. Basically they got rid of the loser <A HREF="http://www.themovechannel.com/howto/let/evicting-tenants.asp"target="_BLANK">tennant</A> who was next door and are letting us live there for the next year or so while we get our own house built. Originally I felt <A HREF="http://www.guilty-soft.com/"target="_BLANK">guilty</A>, but when they told me he was 12 weeks late with his rent, never paid a bond and was an <A HREF="http://www.glenstark.org/SongOfTheWeek/asshole.mp3"target="_BLANK">asshole</A>, I <A HREF="http://ballz.ababa.net/uninvited/groping.htm"target="_BLANK">felt</A> a little bit better. We just need to redecorate it. Talk about <A HREF="http://www.crimsonbird.com/cgi-bin/a.cgi?j=1400046408"target="_BLANK">retro</A> style! You have no idea. It's like something out of a <A HREF="http://www.comeasyouare.com/index.cfm?&FA=Catalog.show&sPage=VideosClassics"target="_BLANK">70's porn movie</A>. I feel like <A HREF="http://www.eonline.com/Features/Features/Boogie/Holmes/"target="_BLANK">Dirk Diggler</A> just walking in the door, and expect <A HREF="http://www.moviegrooves.com/shop/by_genre/sexy.htm"target="_BLANK">cheesy guitar music</A> to start any minute. All I need now is the <A HREF="http://www.bullz-eye.com/gnd/default.htm"target="_BLANK">girl next door</A> to "drop by" and have the <A HREF="http://www.greataupair.com/fastfind.cfm/page/7/pagelist/1/aupairGender/0,1/countryList/220/location/1/displayRows/25/aupairPhotos/1"target="_BLANK">au pair</A> to join us as we get it on...
Erm... What was I saying again?
Oh yeah... So the whole situation is good (in a kinda cringe-making way). It's very cheap. It's very convenient. But it's also so very very close...
* * *
Next time, how <B>not</B> to decorate a house. Getting old and shopping for curtains. And trying to fit stuff into places they shouldn't go....
Mr Mephisto