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fuqnbastard · 08-26-2004, 03:17 PM

Thanks to everyone for your answers. I actually started working for university yesterday. I read a hundred pages and started writing my essay. It felt good, it felt like I was on the right track. This morning I stood up, washed my due dishes, continued writing. A few hours in, it started as a reluctance to continue, I thought "Ok, that'll go away, just get a bit of distraction and continue working later". However, I believe what I got yesterday was rather a loss of ability to concentrate, which came back after some time; not reluctance. Thinking about it a bit, i think I motivate myself by imagining what it'll be like when I successfully complete the task. In my current state, those hypothetical situations just don't seem rewarding for me.
roboshark and Turboslut suggested that I should find what I reallly want in life, something that I find thrilling in itself. The problem is, that this is varying for me, and I have no idea how to control it. Seen naivly, it's a bit like a mild multible personality disorder: What's interesting to me changes in time slices, preventing me to bring forward a consistent effort, when I'm not physically forced to do so (like sitting in a classroom). Unfortunately I believe it's only consistent efforts that will give me purpose in life.
The two sides to me are very different. One part of me wants to be entertained 24/7, it cares little about what's going to happen to the world, as long as I have a front-row seat. The other personality questions everything that comes to it's attention, it has set its abstract goal and demands me to attain it. Unlike in the real illness however, the knowledge of the other mode isn't blocked when the interests change. When I work towards my abstract goal, the other half will tell me about how stupid I am to bore myself with stuff like this. When I'm in entertainment consumption mode, the other half will make me hate myself for being a useless piece of shit. Those are only two of the more dominant modes. They usually change too fast to produce useful results in one go.
maleficent suggested that I have to concentrate on more immediate goals, rather than the abstract longterm ones, and he's absolutely right. I was too lost in abstraction to see the next step ahead. It worked fine yesterday, however it seems it's only a part of the solution.
NotMinus is right in that personality is pattern in how you behave. But because what thrills me is so fluctuating and I live a life that is supposed to be self-organized, there is not much left to identify with.
Several people suggested that I might be suffering from ADD. That's a distinct possibility, I guess I cannot really judge whether that's a problem I have, and if that is the main cause of my current difficulties.

I currently can think of two possible ways to cope:
(1) try to organize my stuff into batches to resume, when the corresponding mode comes up
(2) see a psychiatrist

I'll try both in this order.

08-26-2004, 03:17 PM	#9 (permalink)
fuqnbastard Upright	Thanks to everyone for your answers. I actually started working for university yesterday. I read a hundred pages and started writing my essay. It felt good, it felt like I was on the right track. This morning I stood up, washed my due dishes, continued writing. A few hours in, it started as a reluctance to continue, I thought "Ok, that'll go away, just get a bit of distraction and continue working later". However, I believe what I got yesterday was rather a loss of ability to concentrate, which came back after some time; not reluctance. Thinking about it a bit, i think I motivate myself by imagining what it'll be like when I successfully complete the task. In my current state, those hypothetical situations just don't seem rewarding for me. roboshark and Turboslut suggested that I should find what I reallly want in life, something that I find thrilling in itself. The problem is, that this is varying for me, and I have no idea how to control it. Seen naivly, it's a bit like a mild multible personality disorder: What's interesting to me changes in time slices, preventing me to bring forward a consistent effort, when I'm not physically forced to do so (like sitting in a classroom). Unfortunately I believe it's only consistent efforts that will give me purpose in life. The two sides to me are very different. One part of me wants to be entertained 24/7, it cares little about what's going to happen to the world, as long as I have a front-row seat. The other personality questions everything that comes to it's attention, it has set its abstract goal and demands me to attain it. Unlike in the real illness however, the knowledge of the other mode isn't blocked when the interests change. When I work towards my abstract goal, the other half will tell me about how stupid I am to bore myself with stuff like this. When I'm in entertainment consumption mode, the other half will make me hate myself for being a useless piece of shit. Those are only two of the more dominant modes. They usually change too fast to produce useful results in one go. maleficent suggested that I have to concentrate on more immediate goals, rather than the abstract longterm ones, and he's absolutely right. I was too lost in abstraction to see the next step ahead. It worked fine yesterday, however it seems it's only a part of the solution. NotMinus is right in that personality is pattern in how you behave. But because what thrills me is so fluctuating and I live a life that is supposed to be self-organized, there is not much left to identify with. Several people suggested that I might be suffering from ADD. That's a distinct possibility, I guess I cannot really judge whether that's a problem I have, and if that is the main cause of my current difficulties. I currently can think of two possible ways to cope: (1) try to organize my stuff into batches to resume, when the corresponding mode comes up (2) see a psychiatrist I'll try both in this order.