xim

[originally from my blog, thought you guys might like]

[...]I'm so sick of not being able to get to sleep. finally I got up and took two benedrils on top of the melatonin and finished off a hot bottle of wine from our broken freezer. Oh and I took two of my antidepressants, since I left them at home last week on my cruise. Then I went running in my underwear barefoot until it hurt so bad I wanted to bust guts. Now I'm writing to get it all out so that hopefully when Im through I will be so bitterly sick of thinking that I can stop.

I'm not trying to change anyones mind about anything, this is just me venting about some frustration I have in my life right now.

I had a long conversation today with [girlfreind] about spiritual things. My grandfather is a Southern Baptist minister, and my family would love to see me a baptised card carrying Christian. Alas, When I was 4 years old I became an Athiest. Even as a young child God was only fairy tale to me. I could never swallow any of what they had to say, not even in kindergarten. Now, maybe its teenage rebellion but I'm finding myself spending more and more time searching for spirituality. Maybe I feel an inferiority because I dont *own* any spirituality as if it were a possesion. Who knows? One problem, what the fuck is spirituality? It seems like I've looked everywhere, from Christianity to Buddhism, Universism, Satanism to Chaos Magick. Did I learn anything? Did I find out what the "spirit" is? No. Have I any clue what people mean by the word "soul"? Nope. What exactly are people talking about when they say "God"? I have no idea. But I have learned something. Nobody else really knows what they mean either, people just think they do. Everyone makes up their own definitions for these words. Each word is a complete abstraction with no meaning that exists outside of the individual persons mind. But people sure would like to beleive that whatever arbitrary meaning they assign to each of those words *is* the real meaning of the word.

I've been going to yoga, seems great for physical relaxation, and if what they say about how it stimulates the glands to level out your hormones is true, then its great for mood stablization too. But then he wants me coming to meditation sessions where we sing goofy songs and I start hearing people talking about "Vital Energy". Now I'm back up to my eyeballs in abstract words.

Now, after looking around, even if only for a few years, I feel like all religions are bullshit. Can you experience anything outside yourself? I think its impossible. The very phrase is meaningless. Just because you *feel* like you are outside of yourself or you *feel* "God" doesn't mean anything. When I got off the cruise ship onto land I could still *feel* the rocking of the boat, but I was on land. You are always in your own conciousness. You ARE your conciousness. Just because you talk yourself into beleiving that you have experienced something "other than yourself" doesn't make it so. So I guess its all about what abstract concepts you can convince yourself of and start building new abstractions on top of. There. I said it. What lies can you swallow to make life bearable. Man needs some make-beleive to fill the void in his mind left by the things he doesn't understand or doesn't want to accept. There are plenty of people in the world willing to feed you some makebeleive, always amply mixed in with some "advice" on how to live. If you want to use their makebeleive to fill in the holes in your head youd damned well better live the way they want you to. What a great way to control people. Thats what humans all want. Control. Everyone wants to be the alpha. Unfortunatly I am usually the omega. The last of the pecking order. Thats why I resent christianity. I was brought up pointed towards it. Christianity praises the meekness. "The meek shall inherit the earth" You know why the Devil was cast out of heaven? "Non servium" He told god, "I will not serve". God, the biggest alpha male of them all, said to the non-submitter: "if you wont serve, get the fuck out of my kingdom!" A religion to comfort the slaves. Well its survival of the strongest, there is no prosperity in submission. Funny how the leaders of the religions aren't that meek, or else they wouldnt be at the top of the power structure. Leaders are dominant by definition. Interesting... A bunch of dominant folk leading a movement that instills a supreme respect for sumbission in its followers. What an incredibly well thought out way to keep people where you want them.

Why do I pick on christianity so much? It's just another set of abstract ideas and rules. Just like those of any other religion. I honestly dont know why I am so bitter towards it specificly. Maybe because I am most familiar with it, and the effects it has on people.

I'm tired of looking for spirituality, and I'm finished. It has become such an ass backwards situation for me to be just using all of my strength trying to get a taste of something that, if it had any transcendant meaning whatsoever, should come to me naturally.

I'm going to meditation next week, and If I still feel this way, im gonna tell my dada that I appreciate what he and his organization have given me and maybe make a donation to them, but that no matter how hard I try to ignore it, the spirituality just makes me cringe and shut my mind off (maybe not in those words). As for the yoga, [girlfreind] asked me "If you can't accept anything spiritual why do you goto yoga?" I dont know. I still may go to my yoga, because it is still valuable for health, although as she also pointed out, even something as simple as massaging pressure points in your hand for a headache never works, so maybe every bit of it is made up crap, just like the spirituality. Im also going to have to change the context of my therapy from spiritual chat sessions about hinduism to talking about my REAL EARTHLY PROBLEMS.

But its an hour later now and Im feeling the tiredness so ill see what I can accomplish sleepwise. I actually feel a million times better now. I need to just start writing every time I feel shitty.

__________________
If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com