Averett

My throat is sore. The left side hurts when I swallow, and I’m convinced I’ve caused it.

Stress. I’m stressed out. It’s money. I owe too much, I spend too much, and I don’t make enough.

I’m trying to figure out how I can fix this. There are little things like not going out for lunch. That $6 I spent at Brueggers for lunch yesterday doesn’t seem like much, but it can add up. If I put change into a change jar instead of spending it on chips at the snack machine it will add up. Cut coupons. And use them! I just threw out 3 yesterday. One for chicken, one for cat litter and one for cat food. Sure, it’s not much, $0.50 here and there, but it’s something. I can cut back on the gas I use by not driving around during lunch. Sometimes I’ll use my lunch break just to drive around the area. It’s wasteful.

And then there are the big things I can do to save money. One thing I already did was switch my car insurance companies. That’s going to help out a ton. $500 instead of $800 every 6 months? I’ll take that! I’m going to go to basic cable too. After the Olympics that is. Bravo is showing the Equestrian events and I really enjoy watching that. So I’ll wait until it’s done to cancel standard cable. I’m struggling with another thing too. Internet. If I canceled internet I could save quite a bit of money each month. I could do without it but… I talk to people online. I have friends who I would miss terribly. Sure, I could email them while at work, but it wouldn’t be the same. I love chatting with my guy and typing out (K) and seeing the cute lips. And I wouldn’t be able to email him at night when he’s out with friends. It’ll make it so hard though. As it is we’re 7 hours by car apart, it’s the emails and chatting and phone calls that fuels this. And how would I be able to tease you about liking a girl, Kostya? And how could I convince you that John Wayne is awesome? I’d miss chatting with Ryan too. He’s been such a good friend to me these past 3 years. I just need to decide if I can deal with not being able to chat with these people on a somewhat daily basis. It’ll be hard.

I’m just so worried. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning and it’s so hard to breathe. I sit in my apartment and look around and I wonder if I made the right decision in moving out. I mean, I know I did, but it’s hard. It’s hard living on my own. It’s not that I don’t like it or that I get lonely. But I see all of my furniture and things and I know that it will take forever for me to pay it off. I think I got such a deal with it all, but I didn’t really since I’ll be paying interest forever. Every single thing I buy that gets put onto a credit card I regret. I have clothes that I’ve bought with credit and I swear it feels like they choke me. I’m on my last pair of contacts and I’ll have to go to the eye doctors to get a new prescription before getting more. My insurance doesn’t cover contacts. And they only cover exams every 2 years. I don’t need contacts but they make life easier. But yes, I can do without. I need to get Pumpkin fixed and declawed. I’ll get that done next month, but it will be a strain. But I can’t have him not get fixed, and I don’t want my furniture getting ruined. I shouldn’t have taken him, but I’m a sap.

I hate how this consumes me sometimes. I hate how I can sit in front of my computer for hours looking at a spreadsheet with my expenses. I hate how I sit there and look and play with numbers and I still can’t get out of the red. There are too many negative numbers staring back at me.

There is no one to blame but myself. And I know that. I know I’ve made my own bed. And I’m lying in it, but damn, I want to get up. I don’t want to be where I am right now. It’s not an easy place.

In about 6 months things could change so drastically for me. My lease will be up and I’ll have a decision to make. It’s hard for me to look ahead. I do, of course. But it worries me because every time I look ahead to something it changes. I don’t want this to change. My relationship means so much to me and it terrifies me. In so many ways that I don’t have time to even put to paper (or type as it is..). It’s not something I would discuss here anyway. But I just worry that because I’m in such a financial hole it will cause problems in moving this forward. I try not to think about it though. I’ll figure it out.

Things will be okay for me though. I’ll make it. I won’t starve and I won’t become homeless. I’ll be okay.