balefire88

i'm not sure if i'm looking for advice particularly...or just needed to talk about stuff..been having a bad summer in a lot of respects..actually, pretty much every aspect..and recently...its all coming down too fast..and i'm having trouble handling it..

in school, but working for the summer, find my major somewhat interesting, nothing great, headed from a straight a student in my first year to a student on academic probation last year..its not that i find stuff to hard..i just dont seem to care enuf, atleast before i'd be motivated by fear of failure, or wanting success, or my parents brought me up to do well in school...but its reached the point that i dont care how i do animore, except on teh day my report card comes in..my job's ok, somewhat interesting, started off quite well, losing interest there too..prolly wont get fired, doing the bare minimum so it doesnt look too bad

my family's got issues, but whose doesnt..we fight and squabble abuot everything...everyone's got a short fuse...still i love them, and they love me, but my mom's throwing words aroudn like divorce...whcih i dont wanna see, but i have no right to say anthing to her or my dad, she'd just get pissed if i said anithign aniwaiz..almost wish i could just go back to school and not worry bout family stuff...tho that's not healty...to run away from shit..

insecurity...someone here called me out on it, and they're pretty right, i'm pretty insecure, always wanting to be somethign else i think...like that guy who has sex all the time, or that guy who's always out doing stuff with ppl..have a gf, but we're kinda on the rocks...that's nto helping either..need confidence...not finding it aniwhere..feel like i'm doing everything wrong..

basically, its been a really bad few days..feel like i'm somehow falling behind in everything...and i can't catch up..tho now that i think about it, not sure what i'm trying to catch up to..just feel like my life's not worth much...last nite, i had thoughts along the line of, what if everythignn would just go away...and i mean everything...kinda scared me a bit later...cause it felt knida liek thoughts of suicide...not that i'd ever do it, but i didnt feel my usual feelings of, damn, suicide's a stupid thing...not sure what it means...

partially, i think i'm just in a mode rite now, wehre i can't see any of the godo stuff, all the bad stuff is just cloudign out eveyrthign else..lookin forward to better days..