Wow, grebote, you completely nailed the early years between lurkette and me. That described it perfectly. She thought she was fat (at 95lbs and 5'1"
), thought she was ugly (you've seen the pics.. well, some of you have), etc. Basically anything I said that was good about her, she would reply with a litany of the reasons why I was wrong about that thing, or why that thing didn't counteract the myriad ways she was inadequate. It was really miserable.
One of the things I had to deal with most was my need to save people. I have to be the hero, the one everyone relies on, the one who rescues others. It's no coincidence I'd end up with somebody who needs to be saved so badly, right?
I honestly don't know how we got through the first years. I don't know whether she'd agree with this or not, but a lot of the time it felt like she was actively trying to make me not love her.
Ultimately I developed a sense of humor about it. I think at some point I realized that there's nothing I can do to change her or fix her image of herself. So she's say something nasty and I'd tease her a little about being so down on herself. You know, like, "Yeah, you're pretty lousy all right. That must be why everybody loves you so much." And before long I'd have her laughing along with me. She started to see how silly she was being.
She used to do this thing where she'd sneer at herself in the mirror. Every time she looked at herself in the mirror there was a kind of sneer on her face. Shortly after I noticed that, I caught her looking in the mirror, sneering, and complaining about how ugly and pinched she always looked. We got some good laughs out of that.
Over a lot of time (a
lot of time), with the help of some good counseling and (though she hates to admit it) some good medication, she's a whole lot better. She'll catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror these days and say things like, "Huh. I guess I am pretty cute!"