Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

MojoRisin · 06-25-2004, 07:41 PM

Don't dismiss my view as pessimistic...

Drop the therapy, drop the medication and forget modern psychology. Depression is the result of a deep awareness of the fact that humanity is fucked up in general. We refuse to accept that we must suffer (more than we know) in order to live, and as a result we lose our ability to truely experience what is great (greater than we can imagine) in life. Humans try desperately to cover up pain and make things appear ok with optimistic bullshit i.e. idealistic philosophy, belief in god, the idea that love can save you, a new sports car etc.... And when we can't live up to these ideals we begin to hate ourselves for it because we think that somehow they will save us, well we shouldn't have to live up to them because they are just means of escape. Depression forces us out of the illusion of life and it encourages us to search. A sharp pain in the chest isn't your nervous system malfunctioning, its a fucking heart attack.

Our lives will never see relief of this pain, but we can have consolation in pursuing truth. Force yourself to live in this life, to love the world for everything it is, see that it is beautiful but beauty owes nothing to morality(the modern misconception of morality is a major issue in itself) Love yourself as part of the world, not as the person that the idealist majority want you to be. Not a movie star, or a rock star, or a glorified gangster, or a sports hero, or a 'good person', the majority won't understand who you are but you should take comfort in that as those who consider themselves part of the majority (the herd) don't know whats good for them or the world nor do they care, so long as they can occupy all of thier thoughts, time and effort into aspiring to thier ideals. This is a difficult habit to break and requires much strength but if you try perhaps you will see how much this is a problem. Of all the things in this life and world the soul's greatest aspiration is to create above and beyond itself. This is impossible if we refute the way we feel.

Now I'll give a brief rundown of my experience. I've had an anxiety disorder since I was 14 which subsided when I was about 18 only because it was replaced with depression. The life I was trying to live degenerated as a result. I was on paxil for about a year and a half and went to therapy for a bit, I did make some progress which was only me trying to force myself into being 'normal'. I'm 23 now and it wasn't until about 8 months ago when I started to get suicidal and decided to say to hell with all of it, fuck the meds and fuck the therapy, I would find my own answers or I would die. I've complete withdrawn from just about everyone in my life, I have no material ambtions, I work as little as possible and live with as little as I can. I read, I write, I play music, I draw, I create and most of the time I am in pain. But there is a difference in this pain, it is clear, it is understandable and it is my motivation, I don't hide from it and I don't wish it to leave unless it should. I no longer sit in my bed staring at the ceiling for hours hoping for a way out, I don't hate myself and I don't hate the people around me even though I can't let them get to close. I belong to myself and I am myself. There is great sense of relief in my art, a feeling of freedom as I know I am headed in the right direction. And with all the dreadful emotions that I feel I know that the joy of simply existing runs deeper.

I know I can't show you the way, and perhaps this isn't possible for everyone.Therapy and medication and a 'normal' life are enough for some, but I can still see the pain in thier eyes, I know whats underneath it all and I can see into them. I see life in a way I never would of expected. I don't know where I will be a month from now, but if my heart weren't assuring me that this way is the right path, if I weren't floating on air as I write this, I would gladly check myself into the nuthouse. But this is it, using modern methods of 'treatment' are inconcievable to me.

06-25-2004, 07:41 PM	#39 (permalink)
MojoRisin Crazy Location: Just got into town about an hour ago.	Don't dismiss my view as pessimistic... Drop the therapy, drop the medication and forget modern psychology. Depression is the result of a deep awareness of the fact that humanity is fucked up in general. We refuse to accept that we must suffer (more than we know) in order to live, and as a result we lose our ability to truely experience what is great (greater than we can imagine) in life. Humans try desperately to cover up pain and make things appear ok with optimistic bullshit i.e. idealistic philosophy, belief in god, the idea that love can save you, a new sports car etc.... And when we can't live up to these ideals we begin to hate ourselves for it because we think that somehow they will save us, well we shouldn't have to live up to them because they are just means of escape. Depression forces us out of the illusion of life and it encourages us to search. A sharp pain in the chest isn't your nervous system malfunctioning, its a fucking heart attack. Our lives will never see relief of this pain, but we can have consolation in pursuing truth. Force yourself to live in this life, to love the world for everything it is, see that it is beautiful but beauty owes nothing to morality(the modern misconception of morality is a major issue in itself) Love yourself as part of the world, not as the person that the idealist majority want you to be. Not a movie star, or a rock star, or a glorified gangster, or a sports hero, or a 'good person', the majority won't understand who you are but you should take comfort in that as those who consider themselves part of the majority (the herd) don't know whats good for them or the world nor do they care, so long as they can occupy all of thier thoughts, time and effort into aspiring to thier ideals. This is a difficult habit to break and requires much strength but if you try perhaps you will see how much this is a problem. Of all the things in this life and world the soul's greatest aspiration is to create above and beyond itself. This is impossible if we refute the way we feel. Now I'll give a brief rundown of my experience. I've had an anxiety disorder since I was 14 which subsided when I was about 18 only because it was replaced with depression. The life I was trying to live degenerated as a result. I was on paxil for about a year and a half and went to therapy for a bit, I did make some progress which was only me trying to force myself into being 'normal'. I'm 23 now and it wasn't until about 8 months ago when I started to get suicidal and decided to say to hell with all of it, fuck the meds and fuck the therapy, I would find my own answers or I would die. I've complete withdrawn from just about everyone in my life, I have no material ambtions, I work as little as possible and live with as little as I can. I read, I write, I play music, I draw, I create and most of the time I am in pain. But there is a difference in this pain, it is clear, it is understandable and it is my motivation, I don't hide from it and I don't wish it to leave unless it should. I no longer sit in my bed staring at the ceiling for hours hoping for a way out, I don't hate myself and I don't hate the people around me even though I can't let them get to close. I belong to myself and I am myself. There is great sense of relief in my art, a feeling of freedom as I know I am headed in the right direction. And with all the dreadful emotions that I feel I know that the joy of simply existing runs deeper. I know I can't show you the way, and perhaps this isn't possible for everyone.Therapy and medication and a 'normal' life are enough for some, but I can still see the pain in thier eyes, I know whats underneath it all and I can see into them. I see life in a way I never would of expected. I don't know where I will be a month from now, but if my heart weren't assuring me that this way is the right path, if I weren't floating on air as I write this, I would gladly check myself into the nuthouse. But this is it, using modern methods of 'treatment' are inconcievable to me. __________________ Dropping a barbell he points to the sky and says "The suns not yellow, It's chicken!" Last edited by wicked4182; 06-25-2004 at 08:49 PM..