Random Kordie

WE ARE AUSTRALIANS!

WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come
from
New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we
reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief
marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what they
think.
The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney,
has
more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its
mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to
keep
the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the
family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where
else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
claim
to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all
the
men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last
state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in
the
government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep
stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and
dusty
kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere
on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our
national
culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our
way
to Bali.

And there's Queensland............While any mention of God seems silly
in
document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that
God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect the
next.
Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in
our
lust for international recognition. Not that we're whingeing; we leave
that
to our Pommie immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem.
(So
what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the
world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL,
roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock,
the
tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians
in
the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed
little
people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian.