cchris

Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aeroguard is worse than the flies.

And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.