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Originally posted by gondath
The basic point I'm trying to get across is to avoid telling children what to do without any discussion. Giving a reason is a step in the right direction, even if it's as simple as that.
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Does the parent have a duty to explain themselves? You are claiming they do.
I am claiming they have no such obligation. Sometimes it would be good, and it can result in good things sometimes.
Other times it is counter productive.
A curfew of 10 pm for a 17 year old for instance. There are valid arguements on both sides. I could produce 100 reasons for and against such a cerfew.
But, in the end, the reason why there is a 10 pm cerfew is simply because the parents made that decision.
Some reasons:
Because more crimes happen at night.
To increase the chance you will wake up earlier.
Because there are fewer adults wandering around during the day.
Because you need sleep.
Circadium rhythms.
So the parents are not disturbed by people coming in late.
Makes casual sex a small amount harder.
Teaches you that the world contains stupid rules that must be followed
The morning is beautiful
Changes the ratio of your peer and adult interactions
Allows you to produce more vitamin D.
Means you can do chores in the morning.
Makes finding a job easier, and holding the job less stressful.
Makes it more likely you will eat more meals with the family
Teaches you how to keep track of time
Gives you another reason to look forward to moving out
Keeps you in the habit of obeying house rules in an easy to detect way
Diet
Should the parent list the 100 reasons for there to be a cerfew? Would it matter if the child disproved or argued against 99 out of those 100?
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I think a lot of parents are more threatened when their sense of power is challenged rather than because they fear for the safety of a rebellious child, but it could go either way.
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And many children challenge the power of their parents because they resent that power.
The discussion might be useful, if the parents and the children are the type of people who like discussing things.
What if one or the other aren't?
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Parents do need solid reasons for imposing restrictions.
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And here is where you are quite possibly wrong.
The reason "to get the child used to following and having restrrictions" is a reason that can apply to almost any rule.
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I don't believe in rules for the sake of rules. It makes no sense.
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What if I told you most of society runs on rules for the sake of rules? Down to how you move your eyes when you talk to someone, what clothes you wear, how you walk, what you say, what actions will get you beat up... All are based on a huge set of rules which often exist because they exist.
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I would take away many of this country's laws if I could. Explaining motivation to a child gives the parent a chance to review his own actions and see if they hold up to reality.
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Some people are good at, and enjoy, introspectively examining their actions and motivations. Others aren't good at it and don't enjoy it. They are unsettled by things being unsettled.
People think quite differently. And you have to learn how to deal with people who think very differently from you. Some find questioning rules for the sake of questioning rules just as disturbing as you find rules for the sake of rules.
The scary thing is, both have a point.
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Consider a scenario where a child doesn't end up a complete deviant but hates his parents. He doesn't do drugs or have a string or broken relationships with women, but he hates his parents because they never talked to him. They always tried to limit his freedoms without any sayso from him, up unto his college years at the points where he came home for the summer. He hates going back there and being around them. Is that what people want? It's really a terrible situation.
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The reaction to the parents is as much under the child's control as the parent's actions where under their control.
Anyone who
hates someone simply because their personalities don't mesh has more problems than parents who don't understand.
There are parenting classes, parenting books, parenting manuals, parrenting gurus, parenting beliefs, parenting advisors... And the one thing they all have in common is, most of them disagree with each other.
Humanity doesn't know how to parent. They don't know if corperal punishment is absolutely wrong or not, they don't know what rules you should give your child, when they should be relaxed, should the rules be negotiable...
Parenting is a
hard problem.
If humankind knew how to raise children, possibly a mandatory class teaching people how to do it would be a good idea. But, we don't. So, people muddle through.