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Location: Ontario, Canada
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The lies people tell
This article is about a book, which studies the lies people of each sex tend to tell. Some interesting and cute material.
My personal favourate part:
Quote:
Researchers have found some people who always tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, regardless of the outcome.
They tend to have limited and difficult social lives.
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;-)
Quote:
Posted on Wed, Jun. 02, 2004
The truth is relative to men, women
By Jeff Elder
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
Do men lie more than women?
Researchers say no. Some believe women lie more than men.
So why are there a half-dozen books specifically about men lying to women?
Why is this the topic of countless afternoon talk shows? Why did many of the women who read the first line of this story probably think to themselves, "Whatever you try to tell me, buddy, the answer is yes."
Because men and women lie in very different ways. They even have different definitions of what lying is.
And that can make the game of "he said/she said" very dicey indeed.
First, here's the truth on lying: Almost all people -- of both genders -- get the ol' polygraph jumpin'.
A 2002 study at the University of Massachusetts found that 60 percent of people tested lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation and told an average of two to three lies.
In a study at the University of Virginia, Charlottesville, college students admitted lying to their boyfriends and girlfriends in about one-third of their interactions with each other. (They lied to their moms in about one-half of their interactions.)
"We're just not practiced at telling the truth," says psychologist Dory Hollander, who interviewed more than 100 men and women for her book "101 Lies Men Tell Women: And Why Women Believe Them."
"We see the truth as brutal. A lie is an easy way out, rather than risking offending someone," Hollander says.
Researchers have found some people who always tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, regardless of the outcome.
They tend to have limited and difficult social lives.
Almost everyone lies. But how they lie -- especially how the different genders lie -- is what can make personal communication so difficult.
How a woman lies: "Oh, I love your hair! No, I don't think you went too far. I might have to get that done myself."
How a man lies: "I'm a millionaire. I'd like to marry before I turn 25. I like your cat."
Different motivations
Hollander and other researchers found that women tend to lie to spare someone's feelings or to avoid conflict. Men tend to lie to make themselves seem more impressive, or to get something. (Like sex.)
Hollander's research found that the two sexes are even different in how they define lying. Women said a lie is an intentional untruth "that hurts someone." Men said a lie was a misstatement of the facts. (Not mentioning something was not a lie, many men said.)
"Women's lies are not that sexy," Hollander said. "Men's lies can be very creative."
In fact, many researchers have found that women lie to underreport the number of sexual partners they've had.
Hollander was once interviewed for "The Oprah Winfrey Show" on the lies women tell men. The show decided not to run the segment.
Women certainly lie to men. But the overall pattern of deception in relationships -- at least the one that sells books and ends up on afternoon TV -- goes something like this:
Some men -- not all men -- lie to make themselves seem more impressive when approaching women. They see the dating game as a competition and think they have to outdo rivals. So they self-aggrandize.
Some (again, some) men then go on to lie about wanting a lasting, intimate relationship. They assume women want this, and that only by hinting at a relationship can they get love, sex and companionship.
Then they find themselves trapped in a relationship they didn't want, pretending to be someone they're not. So they lie to get space from their partner. Or they lie and cheat on that partner.
Smoke screens
And finally, they lie to escape.
Hollander says that cycle damages both people. The lied-to, obviously, feels betrayed. But something many men don't wake up to until later in life is that the liar also never feels intimacy or love. The lies are always in the way.
It often starts with men feeling unconfident in the first place.
"Many men think they need to present themselves as a worthy catch," says Sally Caldwell, a professor of sociology at Texas State University in San Marcos. "There is a great emphasis on status in our society, especially for men."
The lying cycle propels a relationship into fairy tale romance, says Caldwell, author of "Romantic Deception: The Six Signs He's Lying."
"Romantic deception is front-end loaded with romance," Caldwell says. "It may be the grand embodiment of the American dream."
But it takes time to really get to know someone, or really build a relationship, Caldwell says. If everything seems perfect, there are probably some lies being traded back and forth.
In fact, imperfection might be the best hope for truth in romance. If men don't lie in the first place to try to seem impressive, many of the other lies don't follow, experts say.
"Women are often quite forgiving of a man's flaws," Hollander says. "They like men who are funny or kind or vulnerable."
"Oh, absolutely," concurs Caldwell. "Many of the women I interviewed were deceived by a charmer, but later happily settled for an ordinary guy."
Hollander even found that men who admitted they were leery of a relationship scored points with women.
"It can be quite endearing to meet someone who's honest about not wanting a close relationship. If a man starts out by expressing his doubts, he creates an arena for intimacy. He's showing who he really is," Hollander says.
Can honesty really compete with sexy lies? In the long run honesty builds much better relationships. But sexy lies seem to entice us.
Hollander's book on lies men tell women sold well. But when she pitched a book on how to be more honest, publishers weren't interested.
Why not?
They said, "The truth is too small of a topic."
© 2004 ContraCostaTimes.com and wire service sources. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.contracostatimes.com
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http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/...printstory.jsp
Any other self-confessed "overly truthful" people out there? =)
Which version of "lie" do you agree with: is a statement or mistruth that is only to make someone else feel better a lie? Is omitting something a lie?
(note: if it asks for a password, try fark@fark.com password farkfark.)
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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.
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