MSD

I would fall asleep and crash after the first three laps of driving in Nascar. I have no problem with anyone who finds it interesting, as some of my hobbies are widely considered to be as interesting as growing mold on cheese, but I find any sort of circle-track racing to be as exciting as, and less stimulating than, a rectal exam. This is not a gripe with nascar, it is a gripe with all circle/oval track racing. F1 on an oval? Good night. I'm not going to sit there and get sunburn to watch a bunch of guys turn left for six hours. To get me to watch oval track, one of five things would have to occur.

First, the last few cars on the starting line would be outfitted with Roman chariot wheel blades. These would be of sufficient size to not only destroy the wheels of other drivers, but of sufficient size to destroy vital engine components as well as any driver who did not outfit his door with a large steel plate that would completely throw off the left/right weight distribution.

The second option is to outfit the each driver with his choice of a caltrop dispensor, or an oil-slick dropper. Use would require careful thought in addition to the concentration required to keep yourself on the track, as you wouldn't want spikes or oil in a spot where you might hit in on the next lap.

Third, yellow flags would be restricted. The caution would end the second the driver of the disabled vehicle was safely over the barrier. Alternately, the flags could be eliminated completely, with a 30-lap penalty for hitting a driver who is trying to get to safety. If, at some point, the track were to become completely blocked, the drivers would have to get out and push the blockages off the side of the track.

Fourth, several knife-wielding monkeys who have been given a large dose of PCP would be let loose into pit lane every time a car pulls in. A man in full cowboy garb with a lasso would be stationed at each end of the lane to prevent monkeys from running onto the track. An extra member of each pit crew would be required to operate a beanbag gun, used to attempt to direct the monkeys toward your opponents' pit crews. Alternately, this member would be stationed on the back wall of the stadium facing the pit lane, aremd with an army-issue sniper rifle. He would be in charge of disposing of the monkeys bewfore they reached his team. Don't feel the need to tell me that this is dangerous to the pit crews, I know that. Shooting another team's pit crew or driver would result in the disqualification of his team for the remainder of the season, and the next season as well if the current season were more than halfway through. This option would most likely require a split screen format with the pit on the bottom and the actual reace on the top.

The fifth solution would not be applicable to races other than NASCAR due to space limitations in other race cars. The drivers would be able to reach out the window during the race to pick up duffel bags that were placed on the track by track employees armed with larger versions of the t-shirt launchers that are used to send shirts into the crowd. These men would be explicitly forbidden to aim at the cars themselves. The bags would contain one of several items. The first contains between one and five banana peels that can be deployed by means of a small roof-mounted catapult or a hatch in the floor. The second is a ceramic turtle shell that can be lobbed at other drivers. The third is a smoke bomb that could be deployed in a similar method to the banana peels. Foruth is a one-pound bottle of nitrous that could be attached to a quick connect system and activated via a button on the steering wheel. Since various powerups from Mario Kart cannot be implemented in real life, the ultimate powerup would be a card that can be presented to the pit crew, allowing them to remove the carburetor restrictor plate during the final 30 laps if the driver was more than two laps behind when pitting in.


Didn't he die because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt properly?