Peetster

We lost our middle boy. It hurt.

I was at sea, so she was "in charge". He went to the backyard to play. She went to the garage with our toddler girl to smoke and do the recycle thing.

He found the doggie door that led from his play area to the enclosed, locked pool. He found an old bike and decided to ride it.

The doctors told me he was probably already unconscience when he hit the water, due to a blow to the head. They told me that it was probably peaceful for him.

Well, no surprise here, it wasn't peaceful for us. Even though I put "in charge" in quotes, we all know that anything can happen. They are frickin kids. They try to kill themselves all the time. Sometimes, like this time, they succeed.

Guilt: She had it in spades. She thought it was her fault. She wanted to die. She hated God. She hated me for caring. She was... eruptive. All the time.

It's not your fault: I tried to be supportive. It's not your fault. It could have happened to anyone. You weren't looking, he got away from you. You weren't paying attention, sure, but it's something that has ALMOST happened to every parent.

Result: Secretly she thinks I blame her. I'm lying, she thinks. She doesn't trust me, cause I really must hate her. I couldn't possibly believe that line. I think she's pond scum, lower. I don't think any of these things, but she does. Couple a person with no self worth with a person trying to reach down and draw up and you have.....

Trouble: No closeness. No trust. No bonding. At all. No buns, and I do mean NO buns. For years. and years.

So we're finally clearing out the basement. The basement she's been avoiding. For just cause. Lots of boxes. Today she comes across the box with all the medical bills associated with THAT DAY. $6,000 for a helo flight from our court to the hospital because, well, we knew he was dead but you had to be sure, right? That there was no chance he'd be back? So you pay it.

But it's with us today. That day will never, ever go away. The stats are that 9/10 parents that loose a child divorce within 6 months. I guess we made it longer than that, but the ultimate outcome is the same. We've been to every professional, She is angry and bitter, I'm accepting and understanding.

So, I guess, after all that, I don't think it's important for me to understand God's plan. I don't think it's important that I even LIKE the plan as I see it. I just have to TRUST that there is a plan. I fully intend to use the phrase "you motherfucker" when I address God.

I hope he has a good answer.