bernadette

^ ain't that the truth?! ^

my questioning has changed from "when are you going to have kids?" to "why didn't you ever have kids?"

even tho i am now in my peri-menopausal years, it is quite possible that i <i>could still</i> conceive, but i will never know, because my husband & i have decided once & for all that we are simply too old & tired now to bring children into the world. it wouldn't be fair to them or us.

early on we simply put the children decision off, cuz well there was always <i>later</i>... well, <i>later</i> has expired.

i was also very concerned when i was much younger, because i had a lot of issues to resolve from my own childhood. my mother was very disturbed when i was a child. she beat my brother & me for anything & everything. sometimes it seemed there was no reason. i was scared of her until i moved 7 states away. she is on medication today & a much more balanced & pleasant person to be around. acually she changed a good deal when she had her quad-bypass in 1997.

part of me was paranoid. this world is sick. i would've died myself if i'd had kids & something awful happened to them. maybe that's a selfish decision.

anyway, i guess part of me was always a little bit fearful that i would abuse my own children as she did.

now that i am in my 40s & have come to terms with all my past demons, i do really think i could be a good mother now. if i was younger & full of energy again....

i've always been & always will be a bit regretful about not giving my husband children, because he would have been the bestest parent ever. some of that may stem from his as he puts it his "ghost father" (not spending time with his kids/no patience). luckily in his father's latter years, a good relationship was built w/my husband. (before he died last june).

just the way my husband regularily makes time for our dogs to be sure that he takes them places where they can run or he can throw a frisbee, whatever, always reminds me...


anyway, sorry for the ramble...
i never really let the pressure from family or anyone bother me. i just told them, "no, kids" & promptly changed the subject. luckily my brother gave my folks a grandson.

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