Angel

Whew. Reading that took me through a range of emotions.
The following is a long read (sorry it is so long, pass it if you like) and yet a shortened version of my experience. It is my story.

I was molested for well over a year by my sister's first husband. The first time it happened they were still dating and he came in my room and fondled me. It was dark and I could see that he had on a white shirt with an apple on the front and a army like jacket and a baseball cap. But I didn't realize it was Richard. I was terrified and I pretended to stay asleep out of fear if he knew I was awake he might hurt me worse or kill me.

After he was satisfied with his sick behavior, he walked out of my room as if to leave our home and then suddenly he stopped and I heard him coming back down the hall. As he passed my room, my little dog let out a bark. He walked into my sisters room. All I could think about was that there was a man in our house who had just hurt me and that he was going to hurt my sister.

My parents always slept with their bedroom door locked. Their room was straight across from mine. With fear and full speed adrenaline coursing throughout my body, I got off my bed and ran with everything I had and crashed through their door, breaking the frame and screaming that someone was in my sister's room and that he had been in mine.

My Papa grabbed his gun and in his under shorts, ran into her room and there sitting on the edge of my sister's bed talking to her like nothing was amiss, was Richard. I was sick! My papa asked him what he was doing there so late and he said he was about to leave and he stood up and said goodnight. Papa turned to me and said "what the hell was that all about?" Before I could reply, my mother said I will handle this.

She took me into the kitchen and asked me what happend. I told her every little detail. Her reply...It must have been a dream and the dog just happened to bark and wake me as he walked by. I pleaded with her..."no mom, it wasn't! It was real I saw his shirt, I hurt down there, he did it!" She insisted it must have been a dream and that it was time to go back to bed. She completely invalidated me. I was devistated. It wasn't until years later I learned that she had been molested and that when this happened it all surfaced within her and she couldn't cope. She couldn't deal with my situation without dealing with hers.

Not knowing that at the time, I vowed to never make another peep about it. My sister and he married very shortly after as she was 4 months pregnant at the time. And when my parents would travel out of town, they would have me go stay with them! Not my other sister, but them!

After a few times there, I was sleeping on the couch and Richard came in and he sat at the foot of the couch (I again faked sleep) and he smoked a joint and then began rubbing my leg and working his way up my body. I laid still, did not move, I took it and I kept quiet...after all, who would believe me if my own mother didn't?

This went on until one night I snapped. By then my sister was pregnant with yet another baby and I was 15. I was on the couch, fully clothed and ready. He came in, sat at the foot of the couch and smoked his joint, then reached for me. I said "don't touch me." He said "you know you like it." He continued to reach for me and I kicked him in the chest as hard as I could and I jumped up off of the couch and started calling him every filthy name I could think of. My sister came out and said what is going on? I was so angry that she didn't realize what he had been doing that I said fuck you to her and told her I hated her and I ran from the apartment.

I walked the 2 miles at 2:00 in the morning to my boyfriends house crying all the way. I stayed there and the next morning my other sister showed up and made me go with her. She began to chastize me for my behavior toward my sister and that I should be ashamed of myself...I lost it! I freaked out and told her everything. She pulled over and she held me and I sobbed like I had never sobbed before. We got to her house, called my other sister and she came over and we told her everything. She left him then. And it was never spoken of again until years later when I decided it was time to let go and stop letting it haunt my nights. I decided it was time to take back my power and stop letting the memory of him control my destiny. It was time to live, time to love me, time to release yesterday.

And so recovery began. A difficult road traveled with a wonderful therapist. I can never thank that therapist enough for giving me the tools and the know how to move beyond the pain. I used to say that if I were to see Richard laying in the street dying and I was the only one that could save him, I would gladly stand there and watch him die, watch him look at me with pleading eyes to help him and savor the satisfaction that he was as helpless in my hands as I once was in his.

But I did the work, I let go of the rage, I wrote him a letter saying he no longer controled any part of me, I role played with my therapist and responded as an adult to the things he had done to me, I found an inner strength I didn't know existed, I found someone in me to love, I found hope, I released fear, and most importantly, I learned how to stop hating.

I have not forgiven him per say, just accepted what is. He has never asked my forgiveness as it is and I don't feel the need to hear it from him. I have moved on. I am happy. I actually have one thing to thank him for, he gave me the ability to spot a predetor, to know a victim, the strength to reach out and help others too afraid to stand up for themselves. The drive to be there for the children.

I am alive! With pride, grace and dignity. And I will, until my last breath, be there for anyone who reaches out. And always, always with my eye on the sick predetor that waits in the background like the cowards that they are. They know, when they look into my eyes, that I know. And the children, they know they are safe with me, they know I understand, without a word spoken, they know. It is the link that ties us all together and gives us strength to leave yesterday behind and embrace today with anticipation of tomorrow.

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In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus