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yes i still feel alienated towards US born asian men. i think the main thing is just asian *groups* and subcultures that i can't relate to. these are everywhere and can be US born asians, asian born asians, or a mix of both. i myself was born in the philippines but moved here when i was 3. unlike most asians however, i was put into a little small agricultural town in OREGON so i had no sense of asian culture at all and lived my life individualistically a lot of the times (i was also an only child). i tried really hard to fit in asian culture during middle school by means of the internet. and i felt very alienated then because aside from not fitting in to their music, their clothing style, their gossip, the way they talked, etc. i also didn't even really KNOW them. they weren't really my friends.. i began to resent my own heritage and culture because of this and feeling more and more alienated to something i SHOULD belong to, but didn't feel i did at all. it was hard for me and i felt guilty as well for not liking my "own people".
to this day, i still can't relate, but i am more forgiving of myself. i was just raised differently and out of context. i have my own ideas and mindsets that have nothing to do with the asian subculture. i don't think i really belong to any sort of subculture really..
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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin
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