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'My name's not Richard,' Richard reminds her, quietly.
Mrs Jared looks at my mother and then at Richard and asks, 'Then, what is it?'
'Dick,' he says, making it sound like the filthiest name imaginable.
'What?' Mrs Jared asks.
'Dick. You head me.' Richard takes a long drag from the Malboro and blows it across the table at me. I cough and sip my drink.
'No. Your name is Richard,' Mrs Jared corrects.
'Sorry,' Richard shakes his head. 'It's Dick.'
Mrs Jared pauses. She's slipping. She has not eaten much and has been drinking steadily, even before dinner began, and now she calmly asks, 'Well, Dick... how is school?'
'Sucks cock,' Richard says.
I'm sipping champagne when says this and burst out laughing, spraying my plate. I quickly place the napkin i'm trying to rip apart over my mouth, attempt to swallow but start coughing instead, then choking. My eyes water and i breathe in, gasping.
'What are taking... Dick?' Mrs Jared asks, looking at me, trying to hold her composure, a stare of reprimand fixed on her face. I wipe my mouth and shrug.
'I don't know. Gangbang 111, Freebasing tutorial,' Richard shrugs, laughing, digging his foot even harder against my crotch. I cough again and grab at his foot beneath the table. 'You like that?' he asks.
'What else?' Mrs Jared is clearly trying not to act nonplussed, but her hand trembles as she finishes the rest of her drink.
'Oral Sex Workshop,' Richard says.
'My God,' my mother whispers, and she hasn't said a word all night.
'What's that like?' Mrs Jared asks, still calm. Reverse psychology not working.
'I got a joke,' Richard says, still rubbing his foot against me, puffing on a cigarette. 'You wanna hear it?'
'No', my mother and Mrs Jared say at the same time.
'Paul wants to,' he says. 'See, Julio Iglesias and Diana Ross meet at this party, and they go back to Julio's place and they fuck - '
'I do not want to hear this,' Mrs Jared says, waving a passing waiter away pointing at her empty glass.
'Neither do I,' my mother speaks again.
'Anyway, they fuck,' Richard continues, 'and afterwards, Diana Ross, who's come about fifty times and wants more of Julio's dick, says - '
'I don't want to hear this either,' my mother repeats.
'She says,' Richard goes on, getting louder, "Julio you gotta fuck my pussy again, I loved it so much" and Julio says, "Okay baby, but i need tp sleep for a leetle beet -" '.
'What has happened to you?' Mrs Jared asks.
' "But you must keep one hand on my cock and other on my balls" Julio says, "and then after thirty minutes, we fuck again, okay?' Richard is getting animated and i'm just dying, tearing at the napkin.
'Oh my God,' my mother says, disgusted.
'And Diana says,' and now Richard does a really bad Diana Ross impersonation, ' "Why do i have to keep one hand on your cock and one on your balls, Julio?" '
'What has happened to you?' Mrs Jared asks, interrupting again.
Richard's getting pissed off and his voice getting louder and i slump down deeper into the chair, let go of the napkin and light a cigarette. Why not.
'And Julio says, "You wanna know why you have to keep one hand on my cock and one on my balls?" ' he says this with a fierce leer on his face.
'What has happened to you?' Mrs Jared is shaking her head and I feel sorry for her, sitting in this dining room, being abused by her son, dressed in that ugly outfit she probably got at Loehmann's.
Richard gets even angrier that she's interrupting his joke and i know whats coming, and i don't even care who Sean is fucking tonight, right now at this moment. I just want the punchline to be over with, and Richard, the asshole, delivers it loud, staring at his mother: ' "Because the last time I fucked a _______, she stole my wallet." ' And then he sits back, drained, but satisfied. The table becomes hushed. I look around the room and smile and nod at one of the old ladies at the table across from ours. She nods approvingly and smiles back.
'What has happened to you?' Mrs Jared asks for the fourth time.
'What do you mean, what has happened to me? What do you think?' Richard asks, followed by a gruff snort of contempt.
'I can see what that school has done to you,' she says.
Great, i'm thinking. It's taken her three years to find this out? Actually Richard was always a rude jerk. I don't understand what the big surprise is now. I look down at my lap as the foot disappears. I finish my rink and suck on an ice-cube, leaving the burning cigarette, unsmoked in the ashtray.
'That's really too bad, huh?' Richard sneers.
'Obviously I can see we should never have sent you there,' Mrs Jared says, as much of an asshole Richard's being, she's still a bitch.
'Obviously,' Richard says, mimcking her.
'Do you want to leave the table?' she asks him.
'Why?' Richard asks, his voice rising, getting more defensive.
'Will you please leave the table,' she says.
'No,' Richard says, getting hysterical. 'I will not leave the table.'
'I am asking you to leave the table now,' Mrs Jared says, her voice getting quieter but more intense.
My mother watches this exchange with horror.
"No no no,' Richard says, shaking his head. "I will not leave the table.'
'Leave the table.' Mrs Jared is turning crimson with fury.
'FUCK YOU!' Richard screams.
The pianist stops playing and whatever quiet din of conversation there was in the dining room is killed. Richard pauses, then takes a last drag of his Malboro, finishes his Kir, and gets up, bows and walks slowly out of the dining room, one of his feet shoeless.
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Ohayo!!!
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