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A few weeks ago, I was a much happier, if not naiive mother of a wonderful teenage boy. But all that changed in the blinking of an eye when I discovered the worst horror a mother could ever discover. My son is a masturbator.

For the past couple of months I'd been noticing strange behavior. Normally when he is around the house he is a pretty intense nervous guy. But lately he has seemed so non-chalant, and has shown a very relaxed, laid-back approach to life. Then I started noticing strange changes around the house. Everytime he stayed up late, the same three things happened the next morning. The TV was always left on the same channel, and always at a low volume. Low enough that you'd have to be sitting close to hear the voice, or music. The internet history and windows documents list is always wiped clean, and the monthly toilet paper bill has nearly tripled in size in the last three months.

I knew something wasn't right. So one night, I decided to sneak downstairs while he was staying up late. I crept into the computer and TV area when I heard him walk out of the room. I entered, and Sodom and Gomorrah immediately started pointing and laughing at me. The reason he was up late, is because he was on a late night pornography binge! The lustful faces of the sinsister Jezebells stared at me from all corners of the room. I had failed as a mother!!!

Presently my son, Conner (not his real name), walked back into the room with a dirty old sock in his hand. He tried to hide it, but I was too angry to let him do any such a thing. I beat him to within an inch of his life, and then sent him to stand outside while he thought about what he had done. I couldn't prove it, but I knew within my heart of hearts that he was pleasuring himself in an immoral fashion.

In a way, I almost don't blame him. Masturbation is glorified to such a ridiculous extent in the media, it is a wonder not everyone is masturbating. Such a world would be a terrible place. It is for this reason, I have embarked on a, "Mothers Against Masturbation", campaign.

First, let me start off with the obvious. Why is masturbation wrong?

I liken mastubation unto a train. A train which gradually grows faster and more deadly by the hour. The fuel for this train? None other than pornography. Pornography often seems innocent and unharmful, but do not be decieved by the lustful seeds of the devil. Masturbation is badbecause it changes our perception of women. As the pornography addict gets further into his cycle he needs a bigger hit of more stimulating, more "hardcore" pornography, to whet his sexual appetite. This increased sexual appetite cannot help but carry over to all other areas of his life. A common scenario goes something like this:

Boy is a straight A+ student.
Boy discovers pornography.
Boy starts using degrading words such as, bitch, ho, and slut.
Boy starts dowloading large amounts of hardcore pornography from the internet.
Boy starts to abuse women.
Boy writes about masturbation on the internet.
Boy rapes his own mother.

Such a scenario may seem outrageous, but rest assured, this is not only common, this is considered socially acceptable everywhere outside of The United States. Not only that, masturbation was behind the fall of the Roman Empire. You think the barbarians are at the gate? They are already riding in your busses, going to your schools, and eating in your restaurants. Make no mistake, the barbarians are no longer outside. They are your own children, living in your homes!!!

Time Magazine reports that, " Every person that has ever killed another human being has masturbated at some point in their life usually within days of the crime". If that isn't enough to send a shiver through your entire body, I don't know what is.

I looked in my son's dresser drawer, and there was direct evidence of this cycle. Starting from the bottom of the nude woman magazine pile, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, FHM, Stuff, Maxim, GQ, Playboy, Penthouse, Clit Collector, Pesitlence Pussy Pleasers, and finally, on top of the pile, Morbid Underage Gangbangs, featuring none other than Hillary Duff. The ones at the bottom of the pile were the old ones, not needed anymore, put away to make room for a growing sexual appetite.

I knew I had to take action. Knowing it was now, in his time of despair he was a ticking time bomb, just laying in wait, wanting to express his anger in a phyical way. I followed him to the mall. He looked at a few girls, trying to look all nonchalant. I knew out of instinct he was fantasizing about them. Then, not at all surprisingly he told me he had to use the washroom. At first I let him go, then I realized what his real scheme was. I took his wallet, and made him empty the change from his pockets. I know they sell condoms in washrooms. I for one do not want to risk him having tools of sexual immorality.I must disarm him by all means necessary and possible.

We went home and he thought he was being so smart. While we were out, I had looking panels installed in the bathroom doors, and i mixed sand in the hand lotion so that he cannot use it to pleasure himself with. I have also placed him on a strict, no choclate diet. I think I know better than anyone that chochlate stimulates sexual thoughts within the body. I would not have his body controlled by sexy robots!

He is currently sleeping in my room, with chains on of course. I won't have him thrusting himself upon me when nature calls. In case he has managed to perfect the art of silence, I prefer to place a layer of styrophome padding under his bed sheet so that i can hear any sudden and intent movements during the night. Any time he is out of my sight for more than 30 seconds (30 seconds is all it takes folks), I take his temperature, twice. First is the thermometer in the mouth. Often during and after masturbation, the heart rate increases and the body temperature can keep a body warm for hours. I also employ the use of a rectal thermometer that measures the pressure of the prostate gland to determine if it is well stocked. That one is inescapable, and he seems to enjoy it too.

How can I know if my child is masturbating, and what can I do to stop it?

The most simple way is to carefully smell his unwashed boxer shorts. If necessary, don't be afraid to taste it. Don't shake your head in disgust, after all, we are all mothers, and we've obviously tasted it on more than just a few occasions.

An excellent way to discourage him. Don't let him listen to rap music. It's slow, steady rhythms are bound to remind him of slow, steady sex, or masturbation. It is also advisable to also keep the thrash metal at a distance, as that leads to nothing but ferocious masturbation. My personal recommendations for happy, non-masturbating children are any Creed, Linkin Park, or Three Days Grace.

Thank you.