Your wife, your porn, and you.
 

Am I the only guy here who hides his porn from his wife?

I've never asked her if she's okay with my small porn collection. I keep it hidden anyways... I recently bought a dvd or two from eBay, because I'm tired of the same ol' material I have... But now I find myself dreading that the wife will pick up the mail and find it.

I'm not really even sure why. I guess because it's hard to explain to a woman why I enjoy staring at other naked women too.

...it's called trust and communication, and I know it sounds cliche and trite, but try it; it might just work.

I let my wife pick out our porn, much more fun that way. :thumbsup:

You never know- she may be hiding some porn from you! Why not let her in on your little secret next time you're making whoopy?

I think one of the main problems is that this will trip you up with becoming fully intimate with your wife. When you keep secrets at this level, it's hard to feel as close as possible. One downside of that is that it will affect your sex life. The more open and vulnerable you can be with each other, the more intense your sex life can be.

If you want to start opening up that door, have you tried feeling her out on the quesiton in general. Like start a theoretical discussion? Like asking her, what does she think of married guys who indulge in porn? Or ask her if she ever enjoys looking at other men's bodies? It's a place to start.

I threw all of mine out. So did she. My wife can do things that would make Jenna Jameson blush, and I can hold my own.

The interesting question is not why are you hiding porn from your wife. The interesting question is why the fuck are you paying for porn when you have an internet connection? :)

Because I'm tired of downloading a clip that by the name of it sounds good, but then it's someone taking a huge shit, or some swedish ultrahairy guy fucking someone up the arse, none of which are of interest to me.

Also, because ISOs of porn DVDs are hard to find, and I prefer the couch to the computer chair.

I feel it's important that your wife at least know what you're up to during your downtime. It isn't fair that you're hiding this material from her since I would assume you wouldn't like it either if your wife spent time and money to stare at other men's dicks. At that, why the need to stare at other naked women (that you more than likely wouldn't/couldn't sleep with) when you've got ass 24/7 (I think one of the many many perks of committed relationships)? Do you think there's a bigger issue here?

These people are all giving you very politically correct answers, but they forget this. What if he brings it up and his wife says nope, fuck that, no more porn? Sometimes you just need a quick beat before you go out for the day, or on your lunch break. Your wife isn't there, so porn it is.

I won't lie, the videos are probably a bad idea but if you look at porn every now and then, it's okay, just don't get caught.

So you're saying how his wife might feel about this situation is entirely irrelevant? At that, in hiding the issue in the first place, wouldn't he already be condemning or assuming that his wife may not possibly enjoy it too?? She's already guilty before she even takes the stand.

If a woman decides not to tell her husband that she's going to a party because she assumes he'd say no, wouldn't you agree that would be just a little wee bit fucked up?

The issue here is not the actual porn --it is the dishonesty that is kept up just for this purpose.

rylnnm- are you in a committed long term relationship? Have you ever been?

I don't think that being married/committed means you can "get ass 24/7." Matter of fact, I think that with an attitude like that a man would probably *not* be having sex that often.

I say, bring up the hypothetical situation, test the waters with your wife, then decide what you want to do from there. How long have you two been married?

I would defiantly want to have a pretty good estimate of how your wife would react before telling her everything. If she isn't approving, it might cause big problems. She might wonder what you are doing all the time, who you are thinking about when you are with her, why don't you like her more than watching 2D images on a screen... You are better off keeping the secret in that case.

Or, she might be accepting, and willing to watch it with you and recreate some scenes.

I would try buying a porn DVD for her, one that is very soft-core. I wonder if they make any movies that would be like Desperate Housewives or Nip/Tuck, with nudity and short sex scenes left in?

I actually have been in a very committed, long term relationship, and I did have sex quite a bit, probably more than I should have :D

Obviously the ass statement was an exaggeration in terms, the question being asserted was why the need for porn if you are able to satisfy your sexual appetite with your wife (the persom whom you should be sharing such anyway). The question was asked to investigate if there were other issues ensuing.

Again, my issue here is that it is being hidden, which I might have not stated in the best of terms. Why condemn your wife's point of view before you even hear it?

My wife and I have been together for about 3 years, and both of us get ass whenever we want. Two weeks ago, she called me at work. 15 minutes later we were at home. Not all relationships sizzle out.

The other strategy is to collect all the porn you can in hopes of finding your wife in one of them.

Problem solved! :)

Hmm... Interesting.

I'm currently not married, but while my current girlfriend has seen some of my porn, she has no clue as to the true extent of the size of my porn stash (nor does she need to know).

Let's just say that I have so much video porn burned on CD that I gave boxes away to friends when graduating and I still have quite a few boxes left right now.


Heh heh heh.

Well, you're just not looking in the right placees my friend!

What you need to do it get yourself a good bittorrent client, get an account on this quality site and download away! :thumbsup:

*Whew* thank god I'm not abnormal....well unless you are too will.

That or newsgroups.. yes, the dreaded newsgroups.. however there is EasyNews and some "erotic" newsgroups with ISOs.



As for pr0n, she doesn't care but I am curtious and don't really watch it when shes around, tho lately she is showing a bit of intrest... :)

You are not the only one. The difference is that my wife knows about my, let us say, "hobby," she does not like it, but she tolerates it. I've attempted to get her to watch with me, but she won't, she says it's immoral, and that's that. Once I managed to get her to look at some lesbian porn on the computer. She was sitting in the chair and I was behind her with my hands between her legs. I don't think she ever came so quickly in all her life. It was the most erotic thing. Since that time she has never agreed to look at any with me. So I just try to make sure I don't have anything on the screen when she walks by, and she tolerates my fondness for it. It's a kind of truce I suppose.

Married three years. Young. No kids. Savor that. :thumbsup:

Oh yeah....my husband emails me pics of my favorite porn. Anal. :D

Watching porn with my wife is very fun. Watching porn by myself is fun too. Less fun, but still fun.

I have some porn she hasn't seen. We haven't really discussed it. I imagine that she presumes the existence of porn she hasn't actually seen, but I know it's not a big deal for either of us.

I just got a job writing porn reviews for a new sex blog network that's starting up, so the volume of porn at my house is about to go up dramatically. She's excited about the gig, and also, I suspect, excited about the porn.

Actually, I have a 2 year old daughter. She was a pre-preschool program set up for 'gifted' kids (kids who can talk at 2).

Close enough. ;)

I used to think I was busy when my kids were little. Ha! Ain't nothin' compared to when they're teenagers.

I was married for a time. It wasn't a happy marriage, though I didn't know it at the time. I hid porn from her. Didn't feel I could tell her about it. After my marriage I had a gf that I actually connected with. She was well aware of my porn and was just fine with it. We would often watch it together. Yeah, that was a much better relationship than my marriage was.

Maybe you should try to introduce her to it again, aladdin sane. Sort of sounds to me that her actions are speaking differently than her words.

I also share porn with my girlfriend (serious, long-term relationship), and we have a great time with it, but I realize fully that many people may hold very different feelings toward pornography, so your position isn't a simple one. I must say that I'm a little shocked that porn has remained secret well into marriage, my girlfriend and I broke that seal during the infancy of our relationship. But don't think that I'm passing judgment, I don't intend that in the least.

But it is definitely something that needs to be talked about, in one form or another, because it is my belief that nobody can hide anything forever, and it's always better to bring it up yourself than to be caught in the act. ALWAYS.

You're just gonna have to buckle down and bust it out, my friend.

Oh wow thats a whole other thread of discussion right there, I will never stop wanting to look at the naked female form, I don't believe that you are not as close/intimate as you could be by not sharing porn with your wife. Every relationship is different and porn can be a huge issue or a non issue depending on the people in the relationship, only you can judge wether or not this should be something you want your wife to know about at this stage - canvass her opinions on porn first to see what she thinks about it.

Wait a gifted child is one who talks at age 2? Isn't that rather late?

On the main topic though, talking things over works well, secrets can often lead to distrust, which can lead to bad mojo (and other things like breakups...).

I agree that humans, for some reason, continue to be humans even after getting married... :lol:
And if only single guys got porn the industry would take a major hit, LOL.

But I can see a little how rlynnm could question his motivations for *hiding* it. It's a reasonable thing to question, especially since the OP has been married for a while and is still hiding it.

Yes, I can see how this could be/become a problem if the OP is dedicated to having his porn, and the wife saying, "Oh no you don't!", but I guess you really gotta consider if you want to have a life long secret, nagging at the corner of your mind for years, or have the strength to say "Hey, this is want I want to do..." (again, depending on the OP's strength of feelings on the matter).

I do think it's uncool to pre-judge the wife too, you never know (and I have to say I have been guilty of this myself). She may not jump into it enthusiastically, but if you are gentle with her introduction to it (the topic *and* the subject matter), you just might open up avenues you didn't think possible.
And yes, you might get a resounding NO. You may be pressured to give up your collection. Are you willing to consider doing that?

At least she'll likely be relieved you aren't into scat or big hairy Swedes (I think that's what you said) doing whatever... :lol:

Glad you at least see the point I've been trying to make, even a little bit.

The most bothersome aspect of the matter alltogether is the secretiveness and imposed assumptions....

I've got nothing against porn per se, in fact, in times where I wasn't sexually/emotionally involved with someone it has helped..However, when I am in a relationship, I almost automatically direct all that sexual energy to my partner.. Perhaps I'm taking the issue to a personal perspective....

I used to hide the porn because I was certain shesus would get jealous that I liked looking at other people having sex.

Then one day I came home and she asked if I ever looked at porn. I said, "yeah, sometimes." She told me that she found some porn on the computer. She then said, "At first I was mad. But then I got off."

Ever since then, we've looked for porn together. The openness about our sexuality has made our sex life incredible.

Not to one-up willravel or anything, but we've been together 7 years, married 5 and we still have lots of the sex. In fact, if we go more than 2 or 3 days, we get irritable. We've become a lot more experimental with our sex lives and have entertained ideas that we would never have even considered bringing up to each other 5 years ago.

Her finding the porn was the catalyst that brought more open communication to our marriage, making it even better than ever.

It might be worth the risk of letting her know you are a freakazoid.

My wife mails out the check for my playboy subscription. :thumbsup:
We look at different stuff together, neither of us have given it any thought. We have even gone to those adult parties where you order some toys.

porno is such a cool way to find new maneuvers to try! why hide it?

anyways, if she cares about you then i doubt she'll over-react and tell you to get rid of it. I get the feeling most women already suspect that their s.o.'s look at it. Initiating the conversation about it would be better than her stumbling across it in the mail.

So long as you're not looking at kids or anything, I doubt she'll really care. She might appreciate it if you shared the wealth.

When we were first married, when bought me a subscription to Playboy. Now that we have this newfangled internet thing, I DL movies and we watch them together.

Looking at porn is OK. Getting off to porn all alone is OK. Having a secret life from your wife...not so good.

Clavus pretty much summed it up right there.

Shoot, I have more porn that my boyfriend does.

I dont know if porn is a secret worth counting as a secret. If someone spends tons of time watching it or lying about it if asked, then I see a dishonesty issue. But if its just occasional browsing I dont see the harm in not volunteering the info.

I actually prefer porn and self pleasure over partner sex for a ton of reasons and I'm a female. Your wife might not be as shocked as you're thinking she will be.

Bingo.

Prince, are you pretty sure that she's so uptight that she'll be shocked or disapproving? Are you afraid she'll have jealousy issues re: you looking at/desiring other women? Is it standard porn or does it involve fetishes that you think might freak her out? Do you know anything about her fantasy life?

I just find it hard to fathom that people enter into the lifelong commitment of marriage when they haven't discussed something as basic as what kind of stuff gets them hot and what images they get off on...that's just me, though. I've used porn since I was a kid--but then, I doubt that any guy who'd known me in the Biblical sense would think for a moment that I was the kind of girl from whom he'd have to hide his porn. I'm assuming you have some reason for thinking that your wife wouldn't appreciate your little stash--or are you just working from some assumption that women (or maybe "nice girls" like your wife) don't get off on porn?

Have you ever broached the subject? Do you know her feelings on porn in general? Need more info before I can advise...

You worded this so wonderfully. Thank you for adding your insight.

Shocked, no. Disapproving? To a degree. I'm 96% sure she wouldn't tell me to get rid of my porn, but she wouldn't exactly approve of it. I subscribe to Stuff and Maxim, and she is alright with it, but I can tell that the fact that I enjoy these magazines bugs her at least marginally, as she always makes a point of making fun of the contents of the mags. I've asked her before if she is alright with me getting these mags and she said "yeah, it's not like they're Playboy or something". To me, Playboy isn't exactly hardcore.

I don't know about fetishes, but I prefer porn that features young adult females, around the 18-20 range. You know, cheerleader stuff. These girls are thin, perky, etc. She's not the cheerleader type, but she is the most gorgeous woman to me. However, underneath women never seem to fully grasp this. She's always had her share of insecurity issues about her looks and weight, as have I about mine. As for her fantasy life, I can't say I know much about it. According to her, she doesn't fantasize as such, mostly dreams as she sleeps. She will tell me about any erotic dreams she's had. Her views regarding sex are more conservative than mine.

She never got into porn. She never watched porn out of her own accord. I was her first partner, and boyfriend. There wasn't a whole lot, from her side, according to her, to share. I am at a loss as to what sharing sexual fantasies with her in detail would benefit me, if those fantasies are more likely to upset her than not. I am all for being as open as possible in a relationship, but some things are, at times, best kept to oneself. Or am I totally wrong about this as well?

Yeah. She doesn't care for porn. According to her she doesn't get anything out of it. The few times I've subjected her to a clip I've had on the computer, she hasn't remarked at all at anything she found the least bit arousing; au contraire, she would laugh her ass off on how ridiculous it all looks. I like to look. She doesn't get off on the visual.

This sounds just like my response to porn before I was assured of my husbands enjoyment of my body. I felt in competition, jealous even, and my reaction was to belittle the skinny bodies that were younger, thinner, and more lithe than mine. He was very attentive to reassure me of my attractiveness to him. Once I got past that I was able to enjoy it and even get off while looking at it with hubby. Until I got past it I would get off in secret after looking at it.

Hubby hid it from me for a little bit. I was suspicious and caught him one with it on his computer. It was then that we started looking at it together. He doesn't hide it from me now. We just try to hide it from our kid.

I was concerned at first when I found it. Almost more concerned BECAUSE he was hiding it. When I told him that I felt like I was in competition with those women that he was looking at he calmed my fears by explaining how he felt about it. He told me that NOTHING could beat the real thing and that he LOVED me while he just enjoyed looking at the pictures of annonymous women.

The hiding will probably be more of a problem than the looking. Ask her how she feels about porn. Tell her that you like to see porn but that she's the real thing.

Heehee. No, not to me, either. When she "makes fun of the contents" of Maxim and Stuff, is she making fun of the hot chicks? The poses they strike? The general vapidness of the articles? The abominable writing? I'm just curious, because if she's making fun of the chicks (or their outfits/poses/facial expressions), then I'm pretty sure that her objection to porn stems from feeling threatened by the thought that you enjoy looking at younger, thinner women...If she makes fun of the articles and the writing, maybe she has more of an intellectual objection to porn...

No, no, you're definitely not wrong about that. I agree that just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you have to share every single thought that crosses your mind...

It's just that hot sex has always been a really important facet of a relationship to me; I like to know my partner's fantasies, so that I can help him realize some of them...See, for me, the solution to the cheerleader thing is to go out and find a good cheerleader outfit, or break out the short plaid skirt, the white knee socks and the mary janes (or the 7" plats, whatever he prefers)...Make a few ground rules, and have at some serious roleplay. I love that shit. Okay, so I'm not 16 anymore. But we can put the hair in pigtails and pretend, right?

But everyone's different. I've had a really vivid fantasy life since I was very young, and I'm happy when I find a guy who gets off on hearing about it...but I've also been with guys who I didn't think could handle it (my fantasies tend toward the twisted). I've been with guys who didn't seem to have a particularly active fantasy life themselves, or whose fantasies (and former girlfriends) were so tame that stuff like a quality BJ or mutual masturbation seemed kind of edgy or novel to them...

I guess I was hoping that maybe your wife had some secret fantasy life, or had shared some fantasies with you, that might give you some opening, some crack in her armor to introduce a little porn to her that she just couldn't help but get off on...Like, I love that story of the guy whose wife just lost it when he showed her the lesbian porn...(that was hot! Keep workin' on her...she definitely has some freak potential. ;) )

I mean, I guess all women don't have to like porn. I just think it greatly enhances a relationship when you can explore the further reaches of your sexuality together, and porn can help facilitate that kind of exploration. But I realize that some people just aren't up for that kind of adventure...

Hmmm....I think reanna74 offered some really good insight in her post. I'm pretty sure that the barrier to enjoying porn for most women is insecurity. My relationship to porn is a little different, perhaps, because I've worked in the sex industry myself...

Of course, all the studies say it's true that men tend to be more visual in this regard. I admit that visual images can get me going, but I prefer really filthy stories--i.e. well-written hard-core erotica. (ok, it doesn't have to be that well-written. But the Beauty books by Ann Rice are a good example.) Maybe she'd enjoy some tasteful erotica, without the pictures of 18-year-old cheerleaders to make her think more about diets and botox than sex?

Based on what you've said here, though, it sounds like there's nothing terrible about declining to share your porn collection with your wife. I mean, I'm a biologist and a birder...but if I'm with a guy who could care less about birds, I'm not gonna force him to look at my field guides...I mean, I'm not gonna hide them, either...but if your wife's just not interested in porn, why force it on her? Why share?

It seems that something about hiding the collection is bothering you, though, or you wouldn't have posted the question. I still hold out some hope that maybe you can find a way to share some porn/erotica and use it to improve your sex life....

My wife is not into porn, so I don't own up to my small collection. She is too concerned that the kids would find it.

^Well, I admit: I found my parents' porn and look what happened to me. :p