How Long Before Marriage? Is it that Important?
 

I didn't want to hijack the thread on -Ever-'s girlfriend, where he wasn't sure if she was cheating and many tfper's suggested it had something to do with him ducking out of a family wedding...and I was wondering.

It really struck me as odd for people to say that at 22, and having been together ONLY 2 years (I don't think it's so much time), marriage and life-long commitment should be on the cards soon - and that would be why his girlfriend was acting weird as his not going to the wedding signalled that he didn't want that kind of commitment (with family etc.) with her.

22 is very young. Some people are ready at 22, some are not. I dare say most people are not ready at 22. And 2 years together isn't that long. I have a friend who once said to me, when I had reached a 2 year point in a relationship and was having problems, that only when you reach the two year mark do you really know the other person inside out, and even so there's always more to know.

I feel that 2 years into a relationship is a big make or break point in that you have seen all the good and the bad, more or less. And at that point is when you either really embrace the person you're with or you let go. I don't think that this "embracing" has to mean marriage.

I myself am into a 3 years going on four relationship, and at 25, I am not thinking about marriage yet. Should I be worrying? Well, as some know I'm not the biggest wedding fan, as it doesn't hold much importance to me. I'd like to get married, don't get me wrong.

My SO as far as I know isn't in a rush to get married, but I know he loves me and is there for me and plans on being with me for a while yet. We may marry, we may not. Should I plan my life around the fact that at 2 years of relationship he didn't bring up the subject of marriage, and we haven't seriously talked about it since, except to say it's a possibility? We have enjoyed each other and have done so through our entire relationship. Is that not enough?

I'd like to know what you think about this.

I was one of those women who thought I'd never get married until after my career and all that. I was looking at being a 40 year old bride. Now, at 25 my attitude has changed. I used to look at marriage as a hinderance, something that interfered with day to day life. Now, I see marriage, a good marriage anyway, as a partnership to help you and your SO (significant other right?-see, I'm learning) through day to day life. I can still go after my dream career and all that, but rather than do it alone, I can do it next to someone. Is that a correct assumption of marriage or is my head in the clouds?

Well, every marriage is different. It is what the participants make of it. Nothing more, nothing less. Finding the right person for you, and being true to your own feelings, are the things that will allow you to have the marriage that you want. No one can tell you what your marriage will be like. No one can tell you how long to date before you are ready.

It's not that, it's that after 2 years, you should be committed enough to your SO to not think twice about going to their sibling's wedding. If you don't, it makes it seem that you have no interest or care about being serious with that person, whether being serious involved marriage or not.

I agree, 22 is young, and 2 years isn't forever.

I don't think you should be "worrying" about it. Are you happy? Great. When you feel the need to take another step, get married, what have you... think about it then. I don't believe in a set time, a particular stage that you're "supposed" to be at. Some people never get married, and are very happy that way... and bully for them! Some are delighted to be married at 18. It takes all kinds... I really don't think there can be a blanket statement.

From this individuals perspective, it's difficult to say. If you haven't been married before, an inventory of yourself and the relationship should be taken, and the both of you must be on the same page on how long you wait. Then again, if you are a marriage veteran, do it as soon as you can find a Judge, Preacher, or Ticket to Vegas.

Personally, I am a Leykis 101 student and if you are under 25, you shouldn't even be entertaining the idea later into your late 20's and beyond. Get yer ya-ya's out before getting hitched. do what you want to do before submitting to the accountability of a spouse.

$0.02 given for the day :thumbsup:

I don't know shit for shit about marriage, but i find i learn more and more about everything with age, and i agree with toecutter 25+ especially if your a guy.

Actually, getting married at 24 or younger increases your chances of divorce *dramatically.* As to why, well, there could be lots of reasons, but there is no question about it, people who get married at 24 or younger are many times more likely to get a divorce.

I agree 100% with JustJess. Foget about it until you feel you should make a decision either way

I *almost* think that it should be illegal to get married before 25. However, people are different and some can handle it. I know people that started dating when they were 14, got married at 18, and have been married for almost 50 years! That is the greatest blessing of our species - variety. LT, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel and if your SO is on the same page, cheers to you! It's the same as any life-changing decision, you will know when the time is right.

As for the -Ever- Thread, I was busting his chops for trying to weasle out of going to the wedding. He was forcing his girl to go stag to her sister's wedding - bad idea. Then again, Vince Vaughn might have been there - who knows?

I got married at 21. Know what? I wasn't ready. It all worked out anyway.

Man, Martel and I got married in our hearts a week after we first kissed. But that's because we had the *much hyped* epifiany and "just knew"

Personally, I think you should do whatever feels good. If you both are fine with how things are, how the finances are handled, how mutual purchases are doled out, and how things would be handled if one of you died, then by all means don't get married until you're ready for it. However, I would advise that if you are in a long term relationship, and are unsure of how far or near in the future the legally binding agreement of marriage is going to be, you should sit down and talk about your relationship in terms of finances and property (assuming you're living together). If you are planning on being together for a long time and perhaps not getting maried, you need to set down contingency plans for money and ownership. It's just a practical thing to think about.

Remember that statistics apply to groups, not individuals.

One thing I never thought of is about is how your decision on whether or not to have kids and how many kids you want should play a role in when a good time to get married is.

Say you want to not have to worry about financialy supporting anyone else in any way after about age 60.

With a kid you have a minimum committment of 18 years of full support. Also consider that you want about 3 years as a newlywed couple that can be entirely devoted to the two of you (before you are even pregnant). Therefore you need to be married no later than 38.

What if you want to be there to pay for college? Take it back another 4-5 years, now you are at 33. What about pitching in for a wedding? Move it back about 2 years, now you are at 31. Help them out with a down payment on a house? 2 more years, 29.

Based on this, if you only want 1 kid and be free of financial obligations to him by age 60 you would want to married no later than 29. I'd say that for each additional child, you'd want to give yourself about 2 years between births. Therefore, if you want to have three kids, you would want to be married by age 25.

You know what is funny about that? It was totally unintentional, but assuming 5 years for college and two years afterwards to date and be engaged, your kids would also be 25 when they get married. Scary, isn't it?

Yeah, I don't know of many people who know how many kids they want, let alone with whom they want to have kids (if at all), by age 25. I still don't know for sure, but damn that biological clock for forcing me to think about it practically. (I am 26 and in the middle of a PhD.)

The idea of having any kids after 34 is unpleasant to me (esp. because I want to be an energetic mom who will be young enough to travel with my kids and take them on all manner of outdoor activities), which if I want to have 2 or 3, puts me the late 20's for starting to have kids. And, subtract the 2-3 years of being married and not having anyone small running around the house... well, yeah. No wonder I've become such a flippin' headcase about the future lately... I feel all kinds of pressure. :P Goddamn ovaries.

I'm 29 now and we just had our first. I'm glad we waited and all because I was too immature back then but damn, when I look back at my life and the ages that I went through my milestones there are times I wish I would have done it earlier. Our families have been so supportive throughout everything with the house, pregnancy, wedding, college, etc. and it really makes me want to be able to do the same for mine as well.

Naturally, for some individuals it works to get married before 25, but that doesn't change the fact people who get married between 20 and 24 have the highest rate of divorce...

Age at marriage for those who divorce in the United States

-------------------------------------------------------
Age.........................Women...........Men
-------------------------------------------------------
Under 20 years old.........27.6%...........11.7%
20 to 24 years old.........36.6%...........38.8%
25 to 29 years old..........16.4%...........22.3%
30 to 34 years old...........8.5%...........11.6%
35 to 39 years old...........5.1%............6.5%

-------------------------------------------------------

http://www.divorcepeers.com/statistics.htm

I will be 25 y/o in a couple of weeks. I have never been married and have no kids. There are a lot of things that I want to do and places I want to go before I settle down and make a home with someone.

I think everyone should experience living away from parents and learn to be independent before settling into a permanent relationship.

I think that marriage and kids and all that "life" stuff is dependent on the people involved. Some people are fine with not getting married, other people need that commitment. I was engaged at 18 and broke off the engagement at 21. We changed too much and grew apart. I was married at 23...was I too young, I don't think so. I was finished with college, had a steady job, and knew that JJ was the one I wanted to marry. It made sense to us and was a the next logical step. We never did the engagement thing, we just decided to get married in June and that was that.

It all comes back to the magic term...communication. If you are opened and honest about your expectations and ideals, there shouldn't be any problems. The problems will occur when communication has broken down and each person has different wants and expectations in the relationship.

Wonder why those statistics don't match...shouldn't the rates equal out? Who were the 27.6% of women divorcing? I should think it'd be 27.6% of the guys they married... :hmm:

I married a previously married man 3 weeks before my 25th birthday-kids didn't come until almost 13 years later. Would I do it again? Not at that age.
But then again, my world was a lot smaller, which it's not anymore for anyone.
You're right, Lilly...do all you can and want as a single, then do all you can and want with the right person. Life's not a practice run..too often we find that out too late.

Some of those 27.6% of women divorced after marrying when under 20 years old married men older than 20 years. That is where the difference comes from.

I'm not married and have no children. However, I'm 30 now and as they say, " the clock is ticking". Being a woman really sucks sometimes because of the whole biological clock thing. I don't think I want to have a kid past 35 because of the increase in birth defect rates. However, if I were a man I would certainly not be in a rush at this age to go off, get married and have kids at this age. Sigh.

You add the columns, not the rows.

It still doesn't matter. Sample size is what matters. It's only relevant if you look at a large group of people. Anyways, that's not the point.

My main point is that a lot of people want to do all sorts of things, thinking that they can put off kids till their mid to later 30's. Yes you can however, you have to consider the fact that the longer you wait the younger they will be when you retire, they will barely be getting started with their adult lives. You'll probably also not be able do other cool things, like be a grandparent and such.

My love and I talk about marriage. But, we do it mostly 'cause we want to sleep together every night. Sort of like how Fudge wanted to get married so that he could have someone in the room with him to scare off the monsters under the bed (does anyone else remember that book?) except slightly more romantic.

He's 22, I'm 19. We both have at least five years of school left, and there's no way we're really going to get married until we're out of school. At least 27 for him, 24 for me. that would be eight years of dating, if we stick together...

So yeah, it doesn't matter at all. Not that the rest of my post explains why... haha, sorry.

Yeah, that's our motive, too. :) The thing is, it wouldn't matter if we were like you guys, living in the same area (I think?)... and if we both had the same citizenship/residence status. I would probably not think about marriage for a couple more years, in that situation (I am 26, he is 25).

Our problem is that because he is not a citizen/resident, he is dependent on getting a job that will supply a work visa... and those are only available far away from my podunk college town. Also, I am in this PhD program where I will have to be overseas for a year in the very near future. This means that because of his visa situation, he cannot go with me unless we are married.

So the idea of marriage, while it is not that ideal in the very near future (even though we can't imagine being with anyone else), crops up when we (I, mostly) get anxious about just wanting to be near each other for more than a few days in a row, to be able to take care of each other on a daily basis, to not have to feel that constant ache of being hours away from each other (esp. if I am in the field, which is very stressful for me). It is not about the marriage, per se, it is about wanting to be together due to our difficult multi-national situation.

We want to wait to get all our ducks in a row before we commit to the big kahuna, and I especially want him to have the time to grow and feel comfortable with the idea. Again, that would be an ideal situation But sometimes it seems like the pain of getting there will almost not make it worth it, just because of our circumstances. :|

Btw: Cello, what is it about being in school that holds you back? I wondered about this last night, because I have been in school for ages... I mean, I can see undergrad maybe (I was young), but then graduate school is a different ballgame. If you or he went for an advanced degree, would you want to wait for that to end, too?

kutulu:
It's not a sample. Those are the statistics for all divorces in the US.

As for the age at which one has kids, I dunno. My mom had me when she was 32 and it seems perfectly fine for her so far. Although, I will admit that my parents are far more "youthful" than most people I know their age and from what I've experienced my family has relatively long lives (my great grandmother who was alive when I was born died at 92, grandmother died in her late 80's, and the rest of my grandparents are still living - although one of my grandfather's has alzheimer's and is 85, but has only gotten bad with his alzheimer's in the past few years).

The "sample size" is the entire United States- every marriage and every divorce and their correlations by age and sex at time of divorce. How much bigger of a sample do you need? How much bigger of a sample of divorce rates in the U.S. can you get than the whole U.S.?? There isn't one. That is THE BIGGEST sample size there is.

It's like Secretmethod70 is saying "every human on Earth breathes air" and offers up "every single human being on Earth" as his sample size... and then you come along and want a larger sample...

On-topic, I think part of the reason that they don't work out as often is because at that age, most people aren't in the "settling down" phase yet. Also, I think a lot more of the "infatuation/puppy love" thing goes on, especially the lower in age you get. A couple gets together, they're all happy and whatnot and decide to get hitched after a few years... and then they realize they're not settled with themselves... so how can they be settled with someone else yet?

I truly believe one major component of marriage is this- either you know exactly who you are going into the marriage, or- the relationship leading up to the marriage pulls everything into perspective and you become aware of who you are through the relationship with the other person (sort of a "you complete me" type of thing). To me, I don't think most people are fully aware of "who they are" until early- to mid-twenties... which would put them on track for a few years of relationship, and marriage right around 25 or so... right where the numbers say it lasts.

Man, I don't think people really think about what it means to be married until they get older. When you're young, it's all about YOU-YOU-YOU but getting married means you have a whole 'nother person to be thinking about, and that means you have to drop the "I'm the center of the universe" act you pick up in college. That can be difficult.

Sorry if you misunderstood my post but in case you didn't read closely enough here is a refresher on the history of this side topic:

This thread is about one couple's thoughts on when a good age to get married is. Therefore I stand behind my statement that one couple isn't a large enough sample size for divorce rates to apply. A woman getting married at 23 doesn't have a 36.6% chance of getting a divorce. She either will or won't. OTOH, you can round up 100 women who got married at 23 and say with confidence that 37 of them will get a divorce, however, you still cannot make any claim about any specific individual in that group.

I don't think you can ever be completely sure. You could live with someone for ten years, and get married and then wonder why the hell you made that mistake. It just depends on the couple. I myself am engaged at age 19. I was 18 when we got engaged, and we had been dating for a year and a half. However, we aren't planning on getting married for another few years. I always get the "you're too young" line, but meh...whatever.

That's probably a big part of the problem with divorces in the US. Everything about our culture is me me me.

kutulu:
"Your" is a common colloquialism for "one's." Emphasizing the "your" is, therefore, taking it completely out of context. I wasn't telling any specific person that she would get divorced if she were to marry before 25 (I'm not sure who I could have been speaking directly to anyway since little_tippler is 25). I was stating that if one takes any random woman who got married between the ages of 20-24, there is a significantly larger chance that that woman will get divorced than any random woman who got married at a later age. This statement, of course, was being made in support of the intuitive statements others had made that 25 is a good age to start thinking about marriage. The US divorce statistics agree.

Naturally, either someone is going to get divorced in the future or they are not - making some statement about statistics isn't going to change that. It will also not change, however, that 36.6% of divorces involve women who got married between 20 and 24. The statistics are not for predicting that someone will get divorced, they are for pointing out that there are factors in play earlier in life that contribute greatly to the odds of one getting divorced. As analog has said, at those younger ages it is much more common for an irrational "love" to be in play and it is MUCH more common that - despite thinking they do - many people do not truly know themselves yet. This is especially true for people who go through a university education IMO.

If I presented statistics showing that 36.6% of accidents - a larger share than any other type of accident - were caused by drunk drivers, you wouldn't say "we're talking about one person here, you can't predict they're more likely to get in an accident just from driving drunk!" you would acknowledge that driving drunk makes it more likely that the person will get in an accident. Likewise, getting married under 25, for whatever reason (and I suspect there are many), makes it more likely that one will end up divorced. Should we take these statistics and crash every marriage of people under 25 screaming not to get divorced? Of course not! But in a discussion regarding what we generally think a good age to start considering marriage is, they are certainly applicable to show that, generally, it is not a good idea to get married under 25.

In fact - and I realize this does not provide any "official" support for my statement - in my family there are many examples of this. Both my parents were married before 25 - I believe around 20, but I could be off by a few years. They both (obviously) divorced their previous spouse after only a few years and got married to each other. They have now been married for nearly 30 years and I am comfortable enough to "bet my life" that they will die married. I can also think of two uncles of mine which have lived similar experiences - married under 25, divorced, got re-married and those marriages are going strong. In the interest of full disclosure, I have another uncle who got married under 25, also got divorced, and is now having troubles with his second marriage. Of course, unlike his first marriage which lasted something like a month or two, this one has lasted 16 years (and they are not yet divorced, only having marital troubles which may lead to it). Admittedly, since they are extended family I am not as intimately aware of their relationships as I am with my parents, but I am quite comfortable stating that the marriages of the first two uncles I mentioned are in good condition. In fact, it was one of those uncles who got married under 25 and ended up divorced that first imparted the wisdom to me that it was good to wait until you were at least 24 before getting married (and this was when I was maybe 13 years old :p). After that, the statement was frequently supported in things I've read and learned in both school (such as sociology classes) and my free time. It has become a bit of an interest of mine to see the effects of age on marriage success. As for the rest of my extended family (it's large), they are either on their first marriages, or in the case of the couple others who have gotten divorced, I do not know the age at which they were first married.

I'll also say that your table doesn't say much, only the ages for divorced people were when they married. Nothing that puts it in any context such as at what age most of the population is when they get married (your linnk is dead so I can't see anything). Look at this chart:

http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/4...edimage9gk.jpg

It's only in recent years that marriage has been getting pushed back farther. Your data says that 64% of women married before 25 get a divorce eventually and 50% of men married before 25 get a divorce. Well it just happens to be that the median (as in half above, half below) only went above 25 quite recently. Around the 70's (which is when most of our parents were married) it was 23. I'd like to see more informaiton about the data in your stats but based on that the divorce rates might not be significantly higher for couples that marry before 25 (since my graph shows that most people are married by the age of 25).

We are talking mean vs median so the basis is different, mine also only includes first marriage yours doesn't specify which marriage number it is so there are things to consider. Still I think my link definitely puts some context iinto the discussion.

This is completely speculative but we could also consider whether people that get married later may be more likely to stay in a bad marriage because the threat of growing old alone may be enough to keep them from starting over again (sometimes I wonder if that is the only thing keeing my parents together).

How much time? Till you're ready to make the choice. Ask yourself wiether or not you're willing to do what it takes to be married to another person. Are you ready for the good and the bad? Are you ready to make the steps? If you can't answer the questions then you're probably not ready. When you are ready you'll know it.

I never included an other person in my future plans when I was a kid. Getting married or finding a husband…. Eh, it wasn’t a factor. I was focused on school and my interests, and only peripherally in high school did they involve boys. My parents encouraged me to get out and experience life before settling down, and I would say that I did (but most would say that it wasn’t enough). When I met my future husband, I realized fairly early on that he was “the one” and that we were perfect for each other, too good to pass up. He’s just cool like that. I figured we’d be together for a while, but I didn’t really think about making it official until he asked me to marry him.

We met when I was 18, he 22. We got engaged when I was 19. We had been dating for a little over 9 months and didn’t have the smoothest courtship, so a lot of people assumed it was because I was pregnant. I wasn’t. We’ll get to that eventually, but there are many things we’d like to do first (aka children are still not going to be a factor for a while). We got married while I was still 19 (1 year 3 mos from first date), much to the consternation of my mother (because I was so young). Actually, everyone probably thought that I was too young, but I’m an odd sort of person and I did think it through seriously. I had a few second thoughts and times of introspection during the engagement, but the more I thought about our relationship the more sure I became. Love is one of those weird things that you can never adequately explain, and was the largest part of the reasons I said yes. I love him beyond all rationality, both for his faults and despite them. Beyond love, though, I respect him, and I know that I will not always understand or even like him. I’m okay with that. We always work it out before we go to bed. Communication (and a periodic vacation) is key.

You know, I would not recommend the path I’ve chosen to many people. I’m not really the “party” type and I got a lot of the stupid stuff out of the way my first semester of college. He has an interesting past, but he put all that to rest before he even met me. I am okay with being settled, to the tune of buying a house together 2 months before we got married. I’m 22 now and frankly, I’m amazed how quickly the past 2 1/3 years of marriage have gone. 19 was very young to get married, but I was ready. We’ve had some pretty big fights, but we went to counseling when things got bad. Counseling has helped us deal with the issues that will inevitably come up in a much better way than we would have without the benefit of an impartial person. Things are good now. We both know the value of compromise.

Both sets of our parents are still married to their first and only spouses. My husband is the oldest of nine (it boggles the mind) siblings, I am the elder of two. My husband's oldest sister got married last year, but everyone else aside from his oldest younger brother (recently returned from Iraq and 20 besides) is under 18.

Bottom line, if you don’t have the urge to get married, don’t. It doesn’t matter how old you are, if you’re not ready and willing to make a commitment you shouldn’t. I was ready, but I am weird. All that age stuff is nonsense.

I met my wife in November '83, and our first date was 2 months later in january.. We married in December that same year. Married 21 years next week. When you meet "the one" you know....

I worked driving road trains, so we only saw each other maybe a dozen times in that year as it was.

.

How old were you two? That is quite the story. But isn't there a possibility that not everyone "knows"?

I am 44, she is .... well I am a gentleman....
and yes I do believe that you will "know".... when, or if you ever actually meet.
The trouble is that your perfect match may never actually meet you, and they and you will find a close matchand live happily ever after...

I had dated women that I would have married, but I was so very lucky to meet Mrs Zooksport.... And it was purely chance.

It's funny that I happened across this thread tonight because my 22nd birthday is on friday and my SO and I have our 3 year anniversary tomorrow. Although for me 22 is too young to be married... I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about being married in a few years from now. I love my SO and he means the world to me. But before we can even think about getting married and sharing a life together I think we both need to be able to stand on our own two feet. Only then can we start to think about marriage and building a life together... because although I know that "Love conquers all" I can't help the fact that stability is just so important to me... but isn't that important to every girl??