Is This Being Unreasonable?
 

Is it unreasonable to tell someone that you won't be their friends as long as they insist on being friends with the person they cheated on you with?

Basically, if you read my previous thread, you would know that my ex (Michelle) is insistant of being friends with the person (Phil) she cheated on me with and is telling me that I have no right to give her an ultimatum.

Her defense is that I keep a girl named Megan (A previous ex) in my life.

I would like to point out that I did tell Michelle a lot of lies concerning my ex, because at the time I met Michelle I was still mad because of what Megan had done to me (She cheated on me). However, I later confessed that I made a lot of that up and even tried to get Michelle to talk to Megan to find out the truth.

Of course, Michelle refuses to do that and even rejects Megan's offers of friendship, even going as far to curse her our for no reason. In fact, she is still stating that if she has to stop talking to Phil then I have to stop talking to Megan. When I point out the fact that Megan has never done anything to her nor have I done anything with Megan that would hurt Michelle, she tells me that it's irrelevant.

Keep in mind that Megan has had the same boyfriend for over two years now and only speaks to me on occasion.

So my question is, am I right or wrong?

I don't think it's unreasonable to state that I won't be Michelle's friend while she insists on being friends with the person she cheated on me with yet I do think it's unreasonable for Michelle to tell me that I have to stop talking to someone with who hasn't even said a bad word concerning Michelle-- Ever!

Thoughts, please???

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Personally I wouldn't put up with that bullshit. I've been in this situation recently. I didn't even have to ask my SO to stop talking to the girl, he made it clear that they would never have contact again.
So, if it were any other way I would have to be done with him. Obviously that 'other' person is some type of 'distraction' or 'temptation' or nothing would have happened in the first place.
If your SO hurt you with that other person - why would they want to continue contact with that person unless their feelings go deeper than they are willing to admit? Oh, we're just friends.... BULL!!!

No! It's not unreasonable in my opinion.

I hope I'm making sense. I apologize if not. I am very drunk.
Oh I have a question. How can you be a rookie after having been a member for 2 years? Just curious.

Because I rarely ever post unless I have something important to say...

imo, it should be the same situation with you.
if the girl insist on keeping contact with phil, just put both of them on your shit list and be done with it.

i wouldn't want to stay friend with someone who cheated on me...

You have the right to make decisions in your life regarding those with whom you will & won't be friends. You have the right to set ultimatums on your friendship.

Your friends, however, have the right to tell you to go to hell.

If you make ultimatums, be prepared to have them blow up in your face, and to follow through on your threat. Otherwise, everytime you make a threat, it will carry ZERO weight.

If your ex insists on remaining friends with the person she cheated on you with, and if you're not ready to deal with that...then by all means cut off your friendship! However, I'd suggest that you not burn bridges. Keep it civil, and possibly revisit your friendship after 6 months to a year. She may have moved on.

[One of my best friends on this Earth is an ex-girlfriend of mine. We didn't work out as romantic interests, but she's more family to me than most of my blood-relatives!]

If you're not dating Michelle anymore, I don't see why it matters so much. Would you end your friendship with her if she started dating Phil? If so, it doesn't sound like you value your friendship with her very highly. Or you're not over her. That's the real issue to work out, I think.

That said, ScottKuma is dead on--you have the right to say what works for you in your friendships with people, and they have the same right. It's not unreasonable per se, you just have to be ready to accept the consequences.

Please don't take this the wrong way because I intend no ill will with regards to what I am about to say.

First, this sounds like an awful lot of unnecessary drama. You seem a bit hung up on this issue and for some reason refuse to let it go. Like ScottKuma said, you have a right to be friends with whomever you choose. So does she. If you don't like who she opts to be friends with, then the decision is on you to remain friends with her or not. If you do not like her choice of friends, the problem is more yours than hers. Now, on to my second bit of observation...

You've mentioned that this is not the first time you've been cheated on. You have to ask yourself what is it about you that causes you to search out women who treat you like shit. I was cheated on in my first marriage. I knew the instant she came home that she cheated. The next morning she went to work. When she got home, she found a box with her more important belongings waiting for her at the door. I told her, "You don't live here anymore. Find somewhere else to stay." The fact that you've been cheated on twice - twice - and are still out for more shows me that you have some issues to deal with before you get involved with another woman. If you continue this trend, you're going to find your romantic life a parade of poorly produced soap opera episodes.

I wish you luck.

at the end of the day I dont think you have the right to tell anyone who they can be friends with.

II dont mean to be harsh, but if your friendship comes with conditions, I dont think that makes you a very true friend.

That may be true. But she should take your feelings into consideration if she's truely going to be a friend. A real friend would recognize this and would make arrangements.

IMO she values this other guy higher than you. If you were higher she would have said ok, simply because it's obviously a sore subject. I'm sure she would expect the same if you were the one who cheated and continued to talk to her.

End the "friendship" I suggest. She didnt care enough about you to stay faithful, she doesnt care enough about you to even end a simple friendship.

Yes. Your relationship is over. Who are you to decide who her friends are? You're acting like a child.

As far as I'm concerned, there are two "friend" universal truths...

1. A true friend can always tell another true friend what's what, and how things are (who to like, not to like, etc).
2. A true friend would never do it.

So, be prepared to lose her as a friend... and while it's not unreasonable, no one should try and dictate to another person who they can or can not associate with, without bluntly knowing the ultimatum might be turned down in favor of the other person. As another person said, way too much unnecessary drama.

While I don't appreciate that comment, I'll respond to it.

She cheated on me with Phil, broke up with me to get engaged to him and ignored me for seven months, at the end of which she decided that she wanted to talk to me again and wanted to work things out (Friends first, relationship later). I told her that we wouldn't be friends as long as she is friends with Phil (Who still talks about me behind my back and to my face, and isn't scared of doing it).

If that makes me a child, then I guess I'm a child >.<

Decide what you want.

Don't want to be friends? Don't be.

Want to be friends? Then do it.

If you want to be friends, however, you can't put conditions on it. It's reminiscent of high school -- "OMG like dont talk to her, I wont be your friend".. were they really that good of friends?

You can decide that you don't want to be friends with her at all, and that's totally fine. But if you want to be her friend, asking her to break off other relationships is foolhardy at best.

short and sweet...IMO you're wrong, if you want to tell her who you can be friends with, then by you're way of thinking she does too. I wouldnt dare think I could tell a true friend who they could and couldnt talk to and expect to keep them im my lives

on the one hand, you don't have the right to dictate who your friends' friends are.
on the other, you do have the right to choose not to be friends with someone because of who they hang out with.

the ultamatum is unreasonable. if i were you, i'd just explain the situation and say that you don't want to hang out anymore because its too emotionally painful for you.

[QUOTE=JinnKai]Decide what you want.

Don't want to be friends? Don't be.

Want to be friends? Then do it.

ITA

do you want to be friends with someone who cheated on u?is there a point to the friendship?if so then yes be her friend

if you are worried whom else she is friends with then u need to ask yourself why-can it really be that true of a friendship anyways if she is your ex, and also an ex whom you split up with because of a less than amicable reason?

id say carry on talking to her if yu want to but sod the issues!! :crazy:

Thanks for all your input guys (And gals) :)

As I told Michelle yesterday, I have no problems in her being friens with Phil, but I wouldn't be her friend if she did.

I guess I'm the only one who thinks the way I do, but why would you want to be friends with someone (In hopes of a relationship) who is insistant on being friends with the person they cheated on you initially?

Doesn't that defeat the purpose :hmm:...

Sure, you can say it sounds selfish, but as he in insistant on talking about me behind my back and to my face, and she is insitant on listening to him, then I stand by my decision :thumbsup:.

That's exactly why -- in bold. If you just wanted to be a friend, it wouldn't be a problem that she was friends with Phil, as well. However, if you were friends (with you having an expectation of a relationship) then of course him being around isn't healthy. She obviously doesn't want to reincarnate this relationship -- so you can either be JUST FRIENDS (no relationship) or nothing at all.

But that's the thing: She stated that she wants a relationship in the future (Not right now) and for now wanted to be friends, but I stated that I wouldn't be friends with her whilst Phil is around.

So ummm... I didn't think I was, but I guess I was wrong...

You guess you were wrong? For the love of God, man! What is this?! She wants a relationship in the future!??!? What is she waiting for? A healthy stock market? The planets to be aligned? Her tour in Iraq to end? Becoming bored with Phil and needing a convenient shoulder to cry on? I'm thinking that last one.

Seriously dude, you're dangerously close to being pitied here. If this girl TRULY loved you, she never would've cheated on you in the first place and certainly would not postpone a relationship now. The fact that she even uttered this to you is on a level of unbelievableness that would only be equalled by your approval of this situation.

DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THIS GIRL!

DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THIS GIRL!

MOVE ON!



Jesus.

Yeah, sorry man, but why do you associate with this girl still? She's really not worth your time.

You are being unreasonable to tell someone who they can or cannot be friends with. The only person who can make a decision on this is you. You can choose to maintain your friendship or blow it off.

The only thought that comes to mind about the situation is that it's all a little immature.

Sweetpea

My first thought is that she wants to keep you around as a "back-up" just in case other relationships don't work out.

do you care for your girlfriend enough to loose your ex as a friend, or to deal with her contact of this person she cheated on you with?

or do you perhaps care for your ex more?

if your girlfriend wont budge on a compramise even, perhaps weighing out the pros and cons of this relationship may be in order.
harsh, but i suggest it merely as a last resort.

Look this is how it is, read it and read it close.

1. A friend cant tell a friend who to be friends with. HOWEVER..
2. A friend would never do something like this. This shows you she's not that into you. If she wants a relationship with you (which she doesnt), she would have dropped him like last weeks bad lunch.
3. By setting your foot down saying she cant be friends with him, you created a divide between you two, and made her want to be friends with him just to spite you.
4. This "friendship" isnt going to work, you're still VERY sore (and deserve to be) about how she betrayed you. It didnt work, now she wants you back? Doesnt sound like a friend let alone anyone you want to date.
5. IMHO she's just doing this to make herself feel good. So that in her mind, cheating on you wasnt so bad, because you're friends now its ok (i.e. you're cool with it, so it doesnt count). Drop her, she doesnt deserve you.

You are a fiddle, and she is playing you.

There are 3 billion women on the planet. 3 billion! Is Michelle (or Megan, for that matter) really the best you can do? In the end, you have to maintain your self-respect, and this circle is going to have tremendous negative consequences on yours. Go find a girl that is

a) faithful
b) honest
c) etc.

The etc. part is easy to find. I have yet to find a person who wasn't etcetera.
:D

On a real note:

Seaver has it exactly correct, in my opinion. You can't tell people who to be friends with. Only they can make their own decisions. She is probably doing this for a few reasons: to spite you, to make herself feel vindicated, and possibly to try and stay away from having to make a final decision on anything. No matter what, it's going poorly, and you need to get out of the situation before it goes worse. That's my advice.

"etc." leaves room for personal taste. Faithfulness and honesty are a must!

Read Bob Biter's comment.

Then re-read it

Then print it out, and hang it on the mirror in front of which you shave everyday, on the fridge, on the frontdoor, anywhere where you can see it over and over again till it sinks in.

You're a plaything right now, she's leading you on and on.

You are being unreasonable, perhaps in your request, but certainly because you allow this to continue

Bingo. Really, I think it's as simple as that. Remove the drama, and seek out healthier relationships. Period.

this sounds gay.....if she's your ex, what do you care?? If youdon't like it, than don't talk to her.......now if she was still your gf, than the situation would be different.....but i'm surprised your ex hasn't told you to go to hell.....

A better question is why bother staying friends with TWO cheating ex's?

If my wife ever cheats on me, the only way we are talking, after the divorce, is through our lawyers, period.

I think you made a great decision by telling her that as long as she was friends with Phil, you weren't going to be friends with her. I mean you are already giving her cheating butt another chance. Whats with that anyway? I can tell you are a very good person. Keep this thought in mind also.